February 1989

1 February 1989-Wednesday

The first meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society was held at the Crossroads Urban Center at 7 :00 p.m. In attendance were Robert Smith, Rocky O’Donavan, Neil Hoyt, Robert Erichssen, Grant Cheever, Brook Hallock, a woman friend of Rocky who chose to remain anonymous because of fear of retribution from the Church Archives, and Liza Smart who had given Rocky and Robert a ride. It was a nice turn out.  Rocky O’Donavan was elected Director and Robert Erichssen was elected as Secretary. Everyone else in attendance agreed to be part of the first board of directors. Erick Meyers may be another officer when we vote again next month.  Rocky gave an overview of the research he has been doing on early Gays and Lesbians in Utah History.  We set our next meeting for March 8^th. Always the second Wednesday in the month. Brook Hallock landed a bomb shell on me at the meeting.  She is convinced that Derek Streeter is a church spy what she calls a “duck”. She confronted him at Unconditional Supports last night at coffee. He just smiled and not denying it just asked Why do you think that? My first reaction was that it's not possible but after Brook made her case I was swayed. I too now think he’s probably a church plant. I am so honest and upfront with people that its not in my nature not to accept people at face value even though I always thought him rather odd. 

2 February 1989 Thursday-

A snow storm dumped over fifteen inches of snow over night and Davis District closed schools  so I didn’t have to go to work today. I spent a lot of the day up in the sauna at the University of Utah. At The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah tonight I assumed the duties of Secretary/Treasurer. Did okay I guess.  It was a small meeting probably due to the snow  that was dumped last night. After Community Council Brook Hallock held a meeting for community leaders about the nature of informers who she called ducks. Brook Hallock was herself a duck in several conservative women’s group, infiltrating their meetings to gain access to their secret agendas. Brook Hallock said there were three types of ducks. Decoy Ducks were Gays who were blackmailed or coerced into spying by governmental or religious organizations. “If you are truly repentant you will do this for us”. Ring Neck Ducks are paid Gay informers who do it for the money, and Mallard Ducks are actual Church Security or FBI or CIA plants. Brook told me that she thought Derek Streeter was a Ring Neck doing it for the money and loyalty to the Mormon Church.  Her reasoning was that first Derek Streeter attends every Gay meeting and function there is. Secondly he’s been out of work by his own admission and yet drives a new car, has a nice apartment, and has money to take trips to national Gay conferences. Thirdly Derek had worked for the Church for the last 15 months at the Missionary Training Center in Provo. Fourthly he does not break the word of Wisdom, still wears his garments, believes that the Mormon Church Leaders are inspired and that homosexuality is a sin. Fifthly He is well known at the Mormon Archives where Rocky O’Donovan was banned and he had Christmas dinner with Brent Metcalf a known Church Security Spy. And Lastly Derek has been out for six months now and has not grown in Gay consciousness one iota. He didn’t even protest or act shocked at Brook’s accusation when she confronted him. Whether he is a duck or not GLCCU probably need to be more careful about who has access to our membership list. Other then than I see no real reason to feel concern or we might be feeding into homophobia. I certainly don’t want to get hysterical. John Reeves called me before the meeting and I let him know about Derek. Today would have been my cousin, Gregory Williams 27^th birthday had he not been murdered.

3 February 1989 Friday-

  I went back to work today. I showed a movie “Willow” during the last half of the day as a “Gold Slip” activity that the class earned for good behavior. It was a cold nasty day. The arctic blast is beating down on us. I just stayed in this evening because it was too, too cold. I listened to some cassett tapes of phone conversations from 1986 and 87. Hearing Billy’s voice is so bitter sweet. But it seems when ever I think of him anymore it’s not the good times I remember. They were too few. It’s the bad and sad times that are my memories. John Reeves called me again from Boston to tell me about a conversation he had with Geoff McGrath recently. McGrath related how two boys from the Utah Valley’s Men’s Group were taking an Ethics class at BYU. The Instructor asked the class to write about an ethical dilemma they have had which would be held in strict confidence, These guys wrote that they were lovers and the Instructor turned them into BYU Standards Office. McGrath said that Derek Streeter and this professor were best of friends. Just a thought.

4 February 1989- Saturday

I spoke to Dave Malmstrom most of the morning about Derek Streeter. Dave and Chuck Thomas have come to the conclusion that Derek is probably a plant. They had thoughts for a long time that either Derek or Lawrence might be church spies. Derek is always calling Dave for addresses and such. Alan Gundry, the LDS Church’s so called liaison with the Gay Community is forming an EXODUS type group for Gay men who are trying to stop being Gay. He is the same man who lied to Dave Sharpton and Dave Malmstrom about how the church was going to become accepting of Gay people. The Phoenix Foundation later called Evergreen Foundation an organization founded to help Mormon men overcome the homosexuality. Dave said he's very dissatisfied with Mormonism now. Well it’s a bullshit theology, based on greedy, elitist, racist, and sexist concepts. I went up to the sauna this afternoon but got caught in another blizzard waiting for a bus. I had to stand for fifteen minutes out in the howling arctic wind which cut through me to the very marrow. It had been below zero. When I got home and while thawing out Darrell Webber dropped by to pick me up for an Unconditional Support officers meeting at his home in West Valley. I really didn’t want to go but I agreed as not to hurt his feelings. Alan Peterson and Ray Neilsen never showed up. Kind of a wasted evening. I never got to go grocery shopping and I am out of cat food. Nasty weather out. So, so cold, like ten below zero at night and that’s not counting wind chill. I came out of the closet three years ago. 

5 February 1989 Sunday-

I didn’t go to Meeting this morning. It was just horrendously cold about ten degrees. Jeff from Sandy called and wanted to get together for sex. So I cleaned up my apartment and he came over about one. He was a tall, lanky cowboy type originally from Coalville, Utah. He didn’t have much meat on him but what there was, was all dick. We hit it off so we ended up going to bed. We just fucked mainly. He brought his own condoms even though I had my own. That shows to me that he’s probably careful. He came pretty quickly but it was good while it lasted. We lain in bed and talked a little. He said he wanted to take me out dinner tonight and a movie. I was touched in a corny kind of way. It was a sweet gesture. He wanted to go skiing so he left and he never called back which I didn’t really expect him to do. But it was a nice experience. About three another man called me named Scott. He also asked if he could come over and I said certainly. He was really gorgeous. Rugged brunette, nice frame like a skiers. He didn’t have much hair on his chest. He asked if he could take a shower and I watched him strip. While in the shower he asked me to join him so I undressed and stepped in with him. I took some soap and sudsed up his ass and cock then his back. With lots of hot water streaming down on us, I gave him a blow job. I was spitting water but it was fine. When we got out of the shower we dried each other off and applied lotion on each other. He had a raving hard on as I slipped a condom over his cock. It was large enough that it was nt easy to slide the condom over it. Then he penetrated me and we had great sex, doggy style, legs over his shoulders, on my stomach, and draped over the bed. I finally ended up eating his ass while he jacked off. It was a hot way to spend a cold, cold winter day. After he left I just watched TV for most of the rest of the evening.  I talked a lot with David Sharpton today and we discussed what people are saying about Derek Streeter and about trouble at the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. I also called Jeff Swell who has been dating Derek to let him know what people will be saying about Derek. Dick Dotson who founded a food bank for the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation left the foundation along with Donald Steward who was the program director of the People With AIDS Foundation as Dave who was the founder of the People With AIDS Coalition. Dave claimed that the SLAF was spending its resources inappropriately by hiring too large a staff, and not making adequate efforts to use the trained volunteers. David Sharpton and Ben Barr have had a stormy relationship for some time.

6 February 1989 Monday-

I called in sick today because I was just feeling a little blah from this nasty weather. Its like twenty below zero at night. I’m glad I called in sick because Susan McCoy called and said her truck wouldn’t start due to the cold. She asked me how to get to school on the bus. I did up my bills today. I have about $150 to last me for the rest of the month I think. Mark Lamar  called me this morning from Indiana. We chatted for a while and I guess he is finally getting used to being back home. In the evening we had our first official Beyond Stonewall 89 meeting with all the committee chairs. All were in attendant except for Neil Hoyt who was speaking at the Utah Valley Men’s Group. The heads of the committees were the following-Ben Williams Program Director, John Bush Registration and Finances, Guy Larson Hospitality, Dan Fahndrich Accommodations, Neil Hoyt Promotion, and Mike Anderson Publicity. We kicked around some wonderful ideas. Guy is going to have his staff be responsible for a group of cabins, placing candies, flowers, etc. in each cabin. Wonderful idea.

7 February 1989-

I had to take the bus this morning going back to work. Susan’s truck is still not working. It was a bitterly cold day thirteen below zero. I wore two coats to try and stay warm waiting for the bus. Jon Urban came over last night and we fucked until ten thirty so I was kind of spacey today. The kids were all cooped up not able to go outside so they were acting bratty. Susan McCoy said her husband Floyd was coming to pick her up this afternoon so I did get a ride home. I made some Valentine poster for the Unconditional Support dance this Saturday and for the school dance. At Unconditional Support there was a really different crowd turn out. There were a lot of men I didn’t know. Derek Streeter didn’t come and Ray Neilson held the meeting on “Ducks”.. At the very beginning I said “I don’t think any body’s name should be discussed here tonight.” It was a pretty good meeting and more upbeat and positive then Affirmation’s. Billy showed up at the beginning of the meeting. It made me a little disconcerted and distracted. After the meeting I purposely went out of my way to avoid hugging him or having to talk to him. I just tried to have fun with the others. I said I was going to start a new organization called “Gays R Us” which would be on call to help other Gays out in crisis’s such as excommunication, legal spats, and etc. I was kind of spoofing but I do see some value there also.  I had to get home right after the meeting mainly because I did not want to deal with Billy. I didn’t want my tears to freeze as I walked home. Falling into bed I cried and cried. I am so lonesome for him. I miss our walks, our talks, his touch, his smile, his eyes that light up like no one else. I miss his stinky breath in the morning, seeing his bulge in his BVDs, holding his rough strong hands. Why do I still love him? I saw Willy Marshall and Jon Butler at the meeting. It’s been three years this month that I first met Jon. He was one of the very first people I met at the Restoration Church. A lot of time has gone by since then. A lot of living in these three short years in the prime of my life. 

8 February 1989 Wednesday-

Gawd what a day at work! I’m sure Patrick Stamps was on drugs today. Adam Shaffer mooned me after class and Darren Carabajal’s aunt caught him stealing . He was the one who stole the money from Mrs. Johnston’s purse and other things at school. I also found out my second evaluation is this week ugh! I had to get up at five thirty this morning to catch a ride at six thirty with Susan and Floyd. So it was a long day anyway. This evening I spent 3 hours from 6 to 9 p.m. typing up the minutes from the Gay Community Council from January and February with Chuck Whyte at the Crossroad Urban Center and mailing them out. Michael Ortega the director in charge of the CUC was there also and I kept coming on to him. I am so glad to have the minutes done

9 February 1989 Thursday

What a day I am having! Oy Vey! Eric Rogers was caught with cigarettes in his pocket. Did Jeremiah Kite keep all these jerks in line and now there’s a power vacuum?  On top of this I have an evaluation tomorrow in Social Science. Ugh! Who has time to think of that? Gawd? I spent most of the evening cutting out paper pictures and all that fun stuff to pull a lesson together for tomorrow. Ray Neilsen dropped by. He said he made Alan Peterson is acting like a big baby. What’s under his craw?  I guess Ray made him mad by mentioning that it was Derek Streeter who nominated Alan for director at coffee last Tuesday. Derek showed up at Dees but strange that Billy didn’t. Well I’m exhausted and am going to bed. The weather is warming up. Its twenty degrees. Well good night sweet prince. I’ve go to get a card off to Fran for her birthday that’s coming up,

10 February 1989-Friday-

I am so glad to see this week end. I had to do my evaluation today. I had so much going on that I really didn’t care. Its been such a bitch of a week. I took the Valentine posters home for the dance tomorrow, When I got home I called the Central City Community Center to make sure all was okay for the dance. Then I went up to the U of U to sit in the sauna. It snowed lightly walking around. I also cruised OSH a little. No activity to speak of. Tony Feliz appeared on Geraldo Rivera to promote his book Out of The Bishop’s Closet

11 February 1989 Saturday-

Bizarre day. I got up around eight and cleaned my apartment. I took a late shower about ten thirty and as I stepped out of the shower there was a knock on my door. Putting on my robe, I answered the door and to my shock and surprise there was Billy. I had him come in while I got dressed. He even took my trash out for me while he was waiting. Anyway he said he came over to get Ed Benson’s address because he wanted to pay him back some money he owed him. I couldn’t find it right away so then he asked me if I needed to go shopping. My mind was reeling but I said yes because I needed to get some heavy ten pound bags of cat food  and I didn't want to have to take the bus. Besides I wanted to find out what he really wanted from me. At Smith's at 8^th and 9^th  Billy slipped me a $50 bill!  He said he wanted to finish paying me back. Later I said that I was only accepting this money because it means so much to you to be able to pay me back. He  also wanted to go to Cahoots to look at cards for his sister. I wanted to buy a birthday card for Fran also so I went along with him. Still wondering what this is all about. Leaving Cahoots Billy got into a minor fender bender and that totally stressed him out. However he does now have insurance. Back home I fixed us some lunch and my resistance was finally worn down and I put my arms around him. I just wanted to hold him close to my heart. He stayed until five thirty and we talked a little about us but it was the same old shit. He was letting me hold him and he held me and yet  I still didn’t understand why he is here. Is it just his quarterly check up to see if I still care? When John Bush came over for the Delta Institute Board Meeting, Billy left. I invited him over for Sunday dinner as he left. Anyway John and I went down to check the PO Box. Nothing except a letter from Alan Peterson. Very Bizarre. He said he was resigning from Unconditional Support and kept protesting that he was a not a Mormon spy just because Derek and he were friends. I later called him an calmed him down and asked him not to resign and come down to the dance and communicate with us. So he said he would. Blessed are the peace makers. Anyway only John Bush and Dave Malmstrom met with me for a Delta Institute Board Meeting.  However Dave did bring his boyfriend Chuck Thomas along. They told me that Tony Feliz appeared on Geraldo Rivera to promote his book Out of The Bishop’s Closet. Anyway we talked a little bit about the Restoration Church and my early days with Russ Lane before leaving at eight fifteen to go set up for the dance. The Community Valentine’s Dance began at nine and lasted until midnight at the central city community center. We made $136 so we had about 48 people throughout the night. I was paid back the $45 I fronted and plus we reserved $45 for the next dance. I kicked in enough money to be able to give $50 to help bring the Names Project Quilt to Salt Lake. Billy showed up about ten and he was being a real dink. He at one point said I “smelled” complaining of my sweet patchouli oil and he never commented about how successful that the dance was or even asked me to dance. When Richard Morris played “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin I just grabbed Mike Anderson and made him dance with me. I said “This is Billy and my song” and I wanted to bet away from him. Anyway most of the evening was fun and Billy was mostly a sad distraction. I kept kissing Shawn Hughes from the youth group. I always thought he was sweet. Doug Fenstermacher took me home after the dance was over.  I was too keyed up to go right to sleep. What a strange, strange day. It’s so bizarre. Derek Streeter showed up at the dance and I just treated him no different than anyone else. Fucked up. Ray Neilson, Alan Peterson, and Darrell Webber  and I finally were able to connect up and communicated Peterson’s feelings and assured him that we supported him as director.  That was major too. When I left the dance with Doug, Billy said to me that if I need a ride I could crouch in the back of his van. He had Mark Haslim in the front with him.

12 February 1989 Sunday-

Today is Fran’s 44^th birthday. I sent her a card and $20. I stayed up too late last night and was tired all day. I did fix a vegetarian lasagna  for Sunday dinner just in case Billy did show up although I wasn’t expecting him to do so. However he surprised me by showing up. However In the middle of a nice dinner my kitchen sink began to over flow with this black greasy yuck like a demon possessed house. Instead of thinking that my kitchen sink had a pipe line to hell, I ran upstairs and sure enough a plumber was there. Whatever he was doing was pushing up crap through my sink and onto my floor. Gawd! Well I cleaned some of it up and after the plumber fixed the drain and left, Billy and I went to the couch to talk. I held him but he pushed me away emotionally. I saw his eyes become dull and I knew he was going through another mood change. He then told me that he didn’t love me. That our relationship was sick. That he only wants me when he’s down and needs my nurturing. When he’s well he seeks other people. Another blow upon a bruised heart.  I then told him that I don’t need him like he needs me. I’m independent, able to make it on my own, have a regular sex partner, and have built myself a nice life. I said I don’t need you. I love you. I told him also I thought he was a dink for treating me the way he did at the dance. I also said that  “let’s make an agreement. Admission through my door has a price, You must kiss me and allow me to make love to you. If that’s too high of a price to pay then don’t come around anymore. With that he left and I was fine until I was watching the Tracey Ullman Show and heard the song “Someone to Watch Over me”. It made me burst into tears. About nine thirty Jon Urban called and asked if he could come on over. I said certainly. We made love and I needed some physical intimacy. Although while Jon was fucking me, Billy’s face kept flashing before me. I know It will never happen. Jon afterwards said I was the best lover he’s ever had. That was sweet of him to say and something I needed to hear after Billy’s rejection. Jon is great in bed too. Great stamina and virility.

Boyd Paul former member of Affirmation committed suicide in Washington DC jumped off a bridge on to a freeway. 

13 February 1989 Monday-

 Tired at work all day. Probably from the emotional strain from the past weekend. After school I met with some of the parents of some of the boys in my class. It was awkward for me but I think I handled it well. Justin Wiberg said that I would call students in my class “Shithead”. The lying sack of shit. I’d never call any of my students that. I spent 2 hours at Crossroads Urban Center typing up the membership lists for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. I was so tired. John Reeves called me later in the evening. Boyd Paul former member of Affirmation committed suicide in Washington DC and a boy I once dated jumped off a bridge on to a freeway. I made love to Boyd in September of 1986 but we drifted apart. I hope he’s at rest now. 

 14 February 1989 Tuesday-

Today was a different day at school because of Valentine’s Day. We had the valentine’s dance at the end of the day and the students did a good job with refreshments and decorations. The kids exchanged cards and little candy hearts. Susan McCoy and I, this morning, stopped at Smiths in Sunset and bought a bunch of suckers to give out with work certificates that the kids could redeem for not doing an assignment. At the dance, I danced with my girls Becky, Meriah, and Farrah. When the kids were doing a line dance Mrs. Gorringe and I danced together down the line. It was cute. In the evening I went to Unconditional Support. Chuck and I made an ad for the March dance before the meeting. Yesterday I went to the Community center  and paid $25 deposit on a dance for March 25^th. There was a fairly big turn out and Ray Neilson led the meeting. He had us share the most romantic date we had ever been on.  After the meeting a group of us went to see Torch Song Trilogy. There’s too much to write about to properly convey my feelings about that movie, It touched some strong chord in my own life but a lot of what was in the movie I had been struggling for here in Utah. I’m glad I came out here in so many ways. It made me a stronger faggot.  

15 February 1989 Wednesday

Justin Wiberg’s step dad came up today wanting to know why Justin had to stay in during recesses. I told him for lying about saying I was swearing at my students. The dumbshit then admitted he lied at Monday’s meeting. I forcefully made it clear to the step dad that I never swore at my students and called them shitheads. As I said last Monday I used “street talk” to get their attention when they were being so unruly but it was never directed at them. I also said while Justin is in my class, he will obey my class rules and not disrupt my class. He then yanked Justin out. Good.

16 February 1989 Thursday-

Both Justin Wiberg and Eric Rogers were absent today and I am hearing that Justin may transfer into Mr. Burrill’s class. On the way home tonight, Susan McCoy’s truck broke downin Bountiful We stopped for gas and the trunk would start back up. Since there was absolutely nothing I could do and she was at a convenient store, I decided to try and catch a bus home rather than wait for Floyd. I walked about a half mile to a 70 Route  Bus stop and finally got home at seven. It was a long, long day. I wanted to go to Boyd Paul’s viewing which was held in Sandy, Utah but I couldn’t get a hold of anyone so just staying home and stayed warm. I went to bed at nine because I have to catch a bus to work tomorrow.

18 February 1989 Saturday-

I cleaned house most of the day and went through my files. I was kind of productive, Susan and Floyd McCoy came over to pick up Susan’s homework and tests from her class that I brought home for her. They also went to the liquor store for me and I bought $20 worth of white zinfandel and Mogen David  wines. Michael Anderson called and wanted to go to the benefit held at Back Street for the Names Project. Michael Anderson and I went to the Crossroads Urban Center to meet people from Unconditional Support but only Derek Streeter showed. So we caught a ride from him. At Back Street I got so drunk on just a half pint of Vodka. I was totally shit face. The benefit raised $2500 for the AIDS Quilt. That was wonderful. Darrell Webber took me home.

19 February 1989 Sunday

It snowed almost all day long. I had a hang over this morning. I never had a hangover before. Jeff from Sandy came over this afternoon and we fucked. He’s a nice man. Mike Anderson called me to see if I wanted to go over to Laren and Tom’s for dinner about nine. I walked over there and it was really slushy. It’s starting to warm up today finally. I suppose be in the forties all next week. Yesterday I introduced Mike Anderson to Robert Smith at Backstreet. They wanted to do some “Revues” at Backstreet. At Laren’s watched some videos and listened to mundane, boring, meaningless chatter between Laren, Tom and some other airheads that was invited over. I know they must have some redeemable traits for Michael to like them so much. But intellectual stimulation isn’t one of them. 

20 February 1989 Monday-

No school today for Presidents Day holiday. Yeah! The buses were running today so I didn't have to be a prisoner in my apartment. I graded all my students papers this morning. It took me about three hours. I had so much to do. About one I took a bus up to the U of U and sat in the sauna for a couple of hours reading the newspaper. That felt wonderful. I cruised OSH a little. No action. Jon Urban came over this afternoon about five and we fucked. He was meeting with an old lover tonight and he was nervous about that.  I was tired this evening and wanted to just stay in but Jim Hunsaker called about seven and wanted me to go with him to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Since I haven't been in a million years, I decided to go. Garth Chamberlain led the meeting on dealing with loneliness. Lots of new faces. Still too young of a crowd for me. I needed LGSU at one time but I've outgrown it. George Marshall was still his obnoxious self proclaim leader of LGSU. Joe Dewey wasn't at the meeting but Liz Pitts was. I asked Brook Hallock to do a work shop for Beyond Stonewall. I also gave the Youth Group a Delta Institute application if they want to join. 

21 February  1989 Tuesday-

I went back to school ready for a major confrontation with Eric Rogers mother and Justin Wiberg’s mother. However Mr. Olearain fought that battle for me and supported me 100 percent. Thank god he thinks I walk on water. Justin got transferred to Mr. Burrell and Eric’s mother told Jack she was sorry for blowing up at me. Anyway it was anti-climatic. I was so stressed out but very little happened after all about my alleged conduct.. I went to Unconditional Support this evening. Jim Hunsaker brought a masseuse, Bill Blevin, to show the group the techniques of massaging. Bill Blevin gave Jim, who was nude, except for some strategically placed towels, a full body massage. At the beginning of the meeting Derek Streeter asked if he could have some addresses of some members and I said I don’t give out that information. He then asked if I thought he was a Mormon spy. I said “I don’t know if you are or not. Only you can answer that.  I know that people do that sort of thing,  although I can’t conceive how or why they would.”  I also said that it didn’t matter what I think anyway because he will always be welcomed to come to Unconditional Support as much as he wants and that whether he was a spy or not, I never did trust him. I said “As long as you profess to be a card carrying Republican with first allegiance to the Mormon Church I would never trust you. We all have to prove ourselves trust worthy. All of us. Even you. I don’t see you as one of us. We defend you but you never defend us.” I think of the Mormon Church, the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, the Catholic Church, and Islam as the enemy to Gay and Lesbian people. I can never have complete trust in people who still have vestiges of loyalty to these organizations. Anyway Billy Bikowski sneaked in at one point without me noticing.  When I saw him my spirit went to lead. Thoughts flew back to a time when I massaged his beautiful body and our energies flowed back and forth between my hands and his silky warm skin.  This man named Tyler Shaw showed up at the meeting. He called me last Sunday about Beyond Stonewall. He is a beautiful, rugged,  young man. Quiet and reserve though. Shy? I’m certainly not. Anyway after the meeting Billy came up to me to say hi. I was cordial to him. As long as he’s at Unconditional Support I will treat him cordially but if he ever shows up at my place again he better have his lips puckered or I’ll slam the door in his face. I went out for Coffee and walked down to Dee’s with Robert Smith, Jim Hunsaker, and Mike Piplim and Billy tagged along. Mike is leaving at the end of this month to move back to Moab where he said he’s going to manage a restaurant down there. I sat in a booth away from Billy and he visited with Brook Hallock mostly. Before going to bed, John Reeves called me from Boston. He said he had a wonderful date with a man he met on the computer exchange line. He also said that Massachusetts is pushing for a Gay Rights Bill and he wants to get involved in the political process. I told him about Mike Anderson and I wanting to go to New York City this summer for the 20^th Anniversary of Stonewall ad would like to see him in Boston. That would be so much fun. 

22 February 1989 Wednesday

The weather is finally letting up and its beginning to thaw. Susan McCoy wanted to leave about four so I was home fairly early today. I just tried cleaning my apartment. I am kind of worn down and wanted to go to bed early but Jon Urban called about nine and wanted to come over. We fucked and after he left about ten Jeff Wood of all people dropped by! I thought how bizarre. I was curious to find out what he might want. So I had him come in. Basically he said he wanted to be my friend, that I had a lot of qualities which he wanted in a friend but he doesn’t want to have sex with me and doesn’t want me “coming on” to him. After politely listening to him I finally said, “Don’t you find this just a little odd? I mean you come all the way over here at ten o’clock evidently because I have something about me that you need  and then you tell me that you just want to be my friend and then you set boundaries to that friendship? Don’t you think that is kind of strange?” Well I do. I was much kinder to him than I should have. I should have dropped kicked him and sent him on his way. What kind of friend says, “ I don’t find you sexually attractive?” It’s not only rude by unkind. I sent him away.

23 February 1989 Thursday-

I went to Gay Fathers after work today. The weather is warming and there is a thaw in the air. There was a  small turn out. Only about six of us.  John Bush and his boyfriend Mike Connors have given up smoking and they are climbing the walls they said. I am so grateful I don't have that monkey on my back. I went after the meeting to The Other Place this Greek Restaurant on 3^rd South with them. . There Mike said something to me that kind of hurt my feelings. I was telling John Bush about what  Derek Streeter said to me last Tuesday and Mike Conners jumped all over my case saying that I had no right to with hold information from Derek and I said I most certainly do. Anyway I felt like I was being personally attacked more than anything else and I thought “Fuck you”. I’m still mad.

24 February 1989 Friday-

So glad that it’s Friday. We had some members of Ballet West perform this after noon for an assembly. Other than that noting exciting is going on. Susan dropped me off downtown and I went to the Post Office on 2^nd South. There was a rejection letter was in the PO Box from Louise Hays. Dan Fahndrich had asked her to speak at Beyond Stonewall.  Then I went over to the Crossroad’s Urban Center  where Chuck Whyte and I put together the minutes for GLCCU to mail out. I was there at four thirty and worked until seven thirty. I didn’t do anything else but straightened up the apartment before going to bed fairly early.  Fran called me this evening. I was kind of down and tired so we didn’t talk much. The snow is melting. Yay. Its been up in the forties which feels wonderful. Glad this long winter is breaking up

25 February 1989 Saturday

I got up this morning about eight and watched Pee Wee Herman’s Playhouse while fixing breakfast. I straightened up the apartment before catching a 9^th East bus to go to Smith’s this morning. There I boughta March bus pass and some groceries, especially cat food for Billy Cat.  In the afternoon I took a bus up to the U of U to soak in the sauna. I saw Duane Dawson there and we spoke. I guess I’m not mad at him anymore. He said he makes $46,000 a year as a nurse. How would it be? Oh well money isn’t everything and I have enough for my needs I suppose. After leaving the sauna I went over and cruised OSH. Spring fever I suppose. At one of the bathrooms I had a close encounter  of the weird kind. Some guy in the stall next to me was cruising me and wanted to give me head. So I get down on the floor and he was giving me oral sex as I was feeling him up under the stall. Anyway he then gets up and come next door to see who was in the stall and I qas surprised to see that it was Glen Camomile! We both turned beet red. Then I started to laugh and I said “You meet the strangest people here” and he smiled and said, “No, the most wonderful.” He was right. I still think it’s funny in an embarrassing sort of way to trick anonymously and then find out it is someone you know. Oh well. I came home after that walking down the hill rather than taking the bus as it was such a nice day and I was sick of being cooped  up. In the evening, feeling restless, I started calling people on the phone. Nobody was home or either they were going out and couldn’t visit.  I was so frustrated that I threw my address book against the wall. FUCK!! Then Doug Fenstermacher, the sweet thing, called and wanted to know if I wanted to go out to the movies. His boyfriend Don Penrose had gone to play Dungeon and Dragons and Doug was all alone so we went out.  Doug is such a sweet, gentle spirit. I really do love Don and Doug. Before he came over at nine thirty, Mark Lamar called to say he was in the hospital. He had lost a lot of weight and his white cells and blood platelets are way down. He also has gotten some lesions on his face. He’s scared to death that he’s contracted AIDS. I’m not even going to deal with this possibility until his test results come back.  Anyway Doug and I went to a late show and saw Tom Hanks in The Burbs. It was okay with some funny moments. We mostly went to see it because nothing else was playing so late. I didn’t get home until about midnight and I was so tired. I went and fell into bed. Why can’t I find someone as sweet and wonderful as Doug only closer to my age?

26 February 1989 Sunday-

It rained off and on for most of the day. I walked to my Quaker Meeting in the rain under my trusty umbrella. It was like a rainy spring day. It was good to be at meeting again. Rocky O’Donovan spoke at Quaker Meeting about making an AIDS Quilt panel for one of his friends.  I spoke and said “The other day at work I over heard someone say “I’m so sick of hearing about AIDS, and when I think of my friends dying of this disease and another one calling me yesterday saying that he was in the hospital with a low white cell count. I’m sick of hearing about AIDS too.” Anyway after the meeting I walked home, read the Sunday Newspaper, and then took a nap. It was such a rainy day and sleeping weather.  In the late afternoon a guy named Joe called me and wanted to come over to fool around. He was a good fuck but came too soon. Anyway I decided after he left that I wanted to go to Affirmation so about six fifteen, I walked up to 13^th East. There was a pretty good turn out even if we had a time getting into the Unitarian Church building because Russ Lane was late with the key. Tony Feliz was in town promoting his book Out Of The Bishop Closet. John Butler and Willy Marshall was at the meeting along with Duane Dawson. It was almost like old times. Neil Hoyt led a wonderful meeting on “Touching and Getting In Touch”. He had us hold hands with someone who was a stranger to us and later taught us touch techniques. It was a really good meeting and just what Affirmation needed to break down some real attitude problems.  Billy Bikowski was at the meeting and once while I was sitting by myself, he came over and sat by me. He asked me if I was going to sit in the circle and I asked him, “Does that mean you want to sit next to me?” He said he didn’t think that far ahead. But I knew that it was his way of being with me. I know my Billy. Anyway I walked home after the meeting and it was such a nice evening and not so deathly cold. Halfway home Duane Dawson stopped and gave me a ride down to my apartment.

27 February 1989 Monday

The snow has almost completely melted off the playground finally. So sick of snow, I had the kids put up new bulletin boards with spring time themes. I have twenty five students now when I started off with thirty. Just with those five gone, it makes all the difference in the world. Bac in Salt Lake I went to the downtown library to check out another book to read in class. I finished “Ollie Dibbs and the Dinosaur Cause.” Before that I read to the class Blubber by Judy Blume and bullying. I’m going to read next “It’s Not the End of the World” by Judy Blume this week. At home made some tostados  for supper before Michael Anderson and Neil Hoyt dropped over for our Beyond Stonewall Meeting. John Bush couldn’t make it. Mike is publicity and Neil is promotion. We basically discussed deadlines for the Triangle an getting something together for Coronation. We also made a list of people whom I’m asking to be facilitators  at Beyond Stonewall. They included Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Dr. Patty Reagan, Dr. Michael Elliott, John Reeves, Richard Rodriguez, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Dr. Kristin Ries, Becky Moss, Mark Winter, and Rocky O’Donovan. Our meeting lasted from six to seven then we all went up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union where the topic was Paganism and Wicca. Brook Hallock and Nancy Diatima Perez, Tom Abizu Jensen and Becky Moorman were the presenters.  It was interesting. George Marshall was obnoxious and pretentious and the room was filled with attitude. I was very, very good at keeping my mouth shut until George Marshall started ragging on how the Christian were killing the witches in the middle ages which started the band wagon of piling on  about how Pagans are good and Christians bad. I finally gently reminded the group that the Pagans sic the lions on the Christians first and no group had a monopoly on intolerance and inhumanity towards mankind. The meeting closed with a Pagan candle lighting circle.  When each person lit their candle I declined and simply said “my life is my light.”  Matriarchy is wonderful as long as it allows Gay men to develop our own gentle ways. Heterosexual patriarchy based on dominance and submission is sometimes mirrored in our own community.

28 February 1989 Tuesday-

The kids at school are doing such a wonderful job on their bulletin boards. It makes me happy just to see their creativity. Dancing Leprechauns, happy bunnies, and lots of rainbows. I am so sick of winter. I went to the CrossRoads Urban Center early about six to work with Chuck Whyte on some community Council business such as membership lists etc. Then I attended Unconditional Support where Alan Peterson led the meeting  on the topic of Dating again and it was boring. But then I was tired and was just trying to stay awake. Allen has no pizzazz, no oomph. Which doesn’t make him a bad person, just wearisome. Oh well, he’ll grow into it. I hope. Billy Bikowski showed up at the meeting and after our group hug, I saw him going around and hugging everyone especially Derek Streeter. He gave him one of those deep heart to heart hugs and it hurt seeing that. Well we went to Dee’s for coffee after the meeting.  Wayne Schneider of the Restoration Church was back in town with Tony Feliz. At coffee Derek Streeter asked me about the Restoration Church and I told him about my former association with the church and what it then believed. Derek said it was the first time he ever heard me talk serious about Religion. Garth Chamberlain then asked me if that was the reason at I didn’t participate in the candle lighting ceremony yesterday’s LGSU meeting or did I just not have a candle. I said I chose not to participate in a pagan ritual because of my own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I told  them that all I have ever done in the Gay community or tried to do in the Gay Community is from a personal love for Jesus Christ. Very few people know that because I keep my spiritual beliefs concealed like at yesterday’s meeting when I said “My life is my life”.  Anyway, from coffee we went over to Trolley Square to go to the late showing of Torch Song Trilogy. I was however really tired and didn’t feel up to it but I wanted to be a trouper. I saw Mike Pipkin at the show. He said he’s not going to Moab after all. He's staying and will work up in Park City. Then I saw Billy Bikowski in the theater and something ripped open inside. Maybe I was just tired or maybe feeling vulnerable but I began to hurt deep in my soul again and I couldn’t bear to be at the show. The movie touches too close to home anyway, and to be there with Billy and yet not with him either was too much for this poor boy to bear. Anger, anguish, angst or what ever carried me home but before I had a chance to feel good and sorry for myself, I smelled smoke in my apartment as soon as I opened the door. Somehow the stove top burner got turned on to high and was burning up a cake pan I left on the stove. It was just a hazy greasy smoke inside but I was so grateful to God that I came home when I did and caught it before it burned up my cat and all my journals, I opened up all the windows to air out the place. It was thirty four degrees  outside so while it was cold at least it was possible to keep the windows open. About ten thirty Jon Urban called for some loving. I told him that I was absolutely dead and let’s get together later in the week. Well Billy and Jeff  might not find me sexually attractive but at least Jon does and he has his shit together far more than those boys combined. About midnight the phone rang and woke me up before it stopped ringing. In my crazed delusion I fantasized that it was Billy. That somehow that movie had gotten to him and he finally, finally realized the love he has in me and that he loves me too. Sick Why do I love that man still?