March 1989

1  March 1989 Wednesday

The first day of March and what a wonderfully warm day at fifty six degrees. All the snow is gone and it was so pleasant out. I took the kids outside for P.E. and we played kickball. I got paid today and they finally stopped taking out the American Federation of Teachers dues from my paycheck. Last fall I inadvertently signed up for both the AFT and the Utah Education Association. With pay from career ladder days I cleared $1,045 for February. When I came home I paid off some bills. I sent $113 in for the 1988 taxes that I owed after doing the EZ tax form. Also I paid $200 to rent, paid off my Weinstock account at $230 and some little bills such as Sears, lights, and my record club. I still have to pay phone and Levitz Furniture but I haven’t gotten those bills yet. I would love to pay off one major bill a month and then I’d be able to afford a car payment. In the evening John Reeves called from Boston. He’s excited that he may have two good job interviews coming up. It was good to hear from him. He said that Bob Hope us going to do some ant-Gay violence public service announcements to help stop fag bashing. I’ve written a response letter to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune regarding an article I thought was anti-gay. I haven’t typed it up yet to send it. Mike Anderson dropped by with some news about what he wants to do for Beyond Stonewall. He’s gotten Danny Keele and a friend of his named Mark to help him with publicity. These are a list of names I am going to ask to participate as facilitators for Beyond Stonewall- Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Patty Reagan, Michael Elliott, John Reeves, Richard Rodriguez, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Kristen Ries, Becky Moss, Rocky O’Donovan and possibly others.

2 March 1989 Thursday-

It rained off and on all day and Susan McCoy got sick and went home early at noon that meant I had to take the bus home. I didn’t even wear a coat  today. I was feeling kind of blah today myself so I decided to stay home tomorrow. Pat Stamps and his partner in crime Eric Rogers cut school today after lunch. Oh well. In the evening it lightened and thundered. It was a strange kind of storm. Anyway at The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of there was a pretty good response considering the weather. Some people from the Socialist Worker’s Party showed up and wanted us to endorse something of theirs. Brooke Hallock and Chris Brown said they had reservations about endorsing anything by the Socialist Workers Party because they are not friends of Gay and Lesbian People. Gay Pride Day is in June this year rather than July. Good. Dave Sharpton was rather rude at the meeting. I suppose he thinks he can get away with it.  Val Mansfield gave me a ride home from the MCC so I wouldn’t have to walk in the rain. At GLCCU I asked Brook Hallock, Ben Barr, and Bruce Barton if they would do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall and they all agreed to participate. Great.

3 March 1989 Friday 

It had snowed last night and it was winter wonderland once again. I am getting sick of it. I wasn’t feeling well like I had a tad bit of a cold. But I went to the Utah AIDS Foundation to give Ben Barr the AIDS panel that I made for Michael Spense last year. I also wanted to get tickets for “Beirut” that the Salt Lake Acting Company is doing as an AIDS benefit next Tuesday. Ben wasn’t in his office but I used his office to type up a formal letter to the Beyond Stonewall presenters and my letter to the editor of the Tribune as a response to a homophobic letter printed on the 1^st. David Sharpton must be totally frazzled because he is so rude to everyone anymore.  Chuck Whyte was also up at the foundation working in their food bank for the People With AIDS Coalition. It was the first time I had ever been up to the new offices on 9^th East. I gave Patty Reagan’s application for Beyond Stonewall to a woman named Karla who Ben said was a liaison person for Patty. After getting my letter typed up and printed, I sent off ten letters to Marc Potter, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Brook Hallock, Becky Moss, Patty Reagan, Richard Rodriguez, Michael Elliott, John Reeves, and Rocky O’Donovan who I’d like to be keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall. I also sent off my letter to the tribune in response to a homophobic letter sent to their editor. I then went up to the sauna at the U of U which was so relaxing. There was hardly anyone in the sauna today. I hate the snow. Yuck. Anyway I walked over to OSH where I met this interesting looking student who was cruising me. There wasn’t anyone else around so he fucked me there in a stall which was great but kind of kinky. In the early evening Michael Anderson called and wanted something to do this evening. I wasn’t feeling well and up for a night out. I had called in sick today after all but Mike prevailed upon me to go out with him. I reminded him about Dan Fahndrich’s “Jack Off Party” at his house which he was up for. I really, really didn’t want to go but Michael said it’s just one of those things you have to experience as a Gay man. So I said, “oh Gawd” and agreed to go with him.  We called Dan and he agreed to come down from his place in the Avenues and pick us up at eight. When we walked in I knew this was going to be tacky from all the strategically placed towels on all the furniture. I thought to myself that perhaps we could just unzip and be done but no we were required to strip. I’m not a total prude but I did kind of feel uncomfortable being nude in front of so many guys I knew socially. People at the party were of course Dan Fahndrich, then Scott Anderson, Dave Reed, Glen Camomile, Mike Anderson and myself.  Glen and I usually don’t get along. I don’t know exactly why, but he doesn’t like me even though I inadvertently gave him a blow job a month ago. Watching three hours of porno is not my idea of a good time and when Dave had to leave at eleven, I got dressed and went with him to give me a ride home. I like the line from Torch Song Trilogy when the old queen says, “I can’t have sex with people I know.”  Michael stayed at the party when I left. I have to say it was interesting but not my cup of tea. I like my sex live and not Memorex.  Also I think I have a hard time being in Dan Fahndrich's place with all the memories of when Billy was his house mate. When I talked to Dave on the way home he said he understood perfectly as he was quite familiar with Billy’s charm. Billy’s a geek. I don’t want to love him anymore. I was in my own bed by eleven thirty and a little sad.

4 March 1989 Saturday

I called Mark Lamar back in Indiana this morning to find out how his health was. He said the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him. I’m so glad. We talked about me taking a trip back east this summer for the 20^th anniversary of the Stonewall riot. I’ll be leaving June 11^th so I guess I will miss Gay Pride Day here in Salt Lake City but New York will be great.  Mark said he has already made his train reservations. I’m getting really excited about the trip. Michael Anderson says he wants to go too but we will see how that goes. I wanted to send a copy of the Triangle  to John Reeves so I went downtown to the post office to send off a packet of my journals to him and I stopped at the Crossroads Mall to buy an extension cord for my phone so I can carry it into my bedroom. I stopped in at the Radio City and I was surprised to see Jon Merrill working there as a bartender on Saturday, Sunday evenings, and Monday evenings. I sat at the bar and visited with him to see how he’s been for most of the afternoon. It was delightful and so much more fun than that Jack Off party last night. In the evening I just stayed home, cleaned the place and watched some TV. I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go out with so I went to bed early about ten thirty. It was a nice day weather-wise, cool but overcast.

5 March 1989 Sunday

I woke up about seven so I decided to just get on up. I cleaned the kitchen and piddled around before going to church. The weather was nice enough to walk on up to the Quaker Meeting.  It was a small turnout but I was glad I went. I saw Rocky O’Donovan and asked him if he would be our keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall. He said certainly. I also asked Robert Erichssen to be my assistant at the camp and he agreed. When I started actually planning out my responsibilities, I finally realized that I also need an assistant responsible to me only to free me up to do all that I will need to do that weekend. After the meeting I walked home and fixed a vegetarian lasagna to eat on for the coming week. I called Becky Moss to see if there was a show to do tonight for Concerning Gays and Lesbians and we decided just to do a bunch next Sunday. So that freed me up for the evening but I didn’t want to go to Affirmation. I didn’t want to take the chance that I might see Billy there.  This is the 3^rd anniversary of the founding of the Wasatch Chapter of Affirmation.  It’s been three years and for most of that time I’ve been miserable over my feelings for Billy. Instead I went down to the Radio City about six thirty to see Jon Merrill again. Mike Anderson was supposed to have met me there but he didn’t show up. I stayed until nine and it was kind of fun meeting different people who knew Jon. However am I going to met the caliber of person I want to be with in a bar? When I left I waked over to the Magazine Shop on Main Street to see if they carried a copy of Tony Feliz’s Out of the Bishop’s Closet. Jon Merrill said he had bought it and is reading it. I’m wondering if I should buy it for a part of my own history but I’d rather not line his pockets with my cash. What to do? At the store I saw Bruce and Phillip who is writing a book about his Gay Mormon Experience for Signature Books. He said he and Derek Streeter are best friends and that Derek had dinner with Brent Metcalf at Phillip’s house. I am so confused about Derek. I walked on home and went to bed by ten thirty. The Triangle still hasn’t come out. 

6 May 1989 Monday

Back to school on this drizzlely and overcast day. I was so glad it was a short day with the kids and I was home by four. I called John Bush and said it wasn’t necessary to have a Beyond Stonewall meeting tonight. I just updated him on what I had been doing and said let’s just have a general meeting in April. I was wanting to go to the show tonight to get out of the house and was planning on going alone until I called up Eric Christensen just to visit. He and Shawn Hughes are on the outs, so he wanted to go to the show with me. We went to the Tower Theater to see “Scrooged” and “Oliver and Company.” They were amusing. Yesterday I had gone to a Sunday Matinee at Trolley Square and saw Torch Song Trilogy again. This time I did cry. Before going to the show Eric and I went to Radio City to pick up a copy of the Triangle that was finally out. I was really mad when again nothing was printed from the articles I turned in by me or Unconditional Support.  I am upset but not mad enough to cut my nose off. It wasn’t even a decent issue. Well at least they put in the dance ad. I guess I can’t bitch totally

7 May 1989 Tuesday

It was cloudy and overcast all day. I didn’t get to see the partial eclipse either. Today was fine until this evening. When I got home from work, Michael Anderson called and said his friend Mark was going with us to see “Beirut” at the Salt Lake Acting Company theater. The play is an AIDS benefit for helping bring the AIDS Quilt and managed to raise $2000 for the Names Project. Anyway I was in fairly good spirits and having a lot of fun seeing people from the community I knew there. We had front row seats and I was joking with Michael trying to be clever but I could tell that he was becoming standoffish to me and I couldn’t figure out why. And then right before the play began he says to me “Ben, I don’t mind letting you be part of my life but I don’t feel comfortable about talking about Ben Barr with his people right behind us and making comments about the actors on stage. I have to be around these people and I think you are being extremely rude.” Michael who I had considered like a gay sister might have as well stuck me with a knife. Is that how people perceive me? Am I just a bitchy rude ass? And even if I am why doesn’t Michael after all we have been through together love me anyway. I always have looked pass his faults. I thought we had a special bond. A tight friendship. I could hardly sit and enjoy the play. The evening was ruined for me. If I could have left without making a scene I would have. The play was just an hour long and was over by eight thirty. The director opened the rest of the evening for a discussion about AIDS. I left and walked home feeling really wounded. I stopped in at Dee’s to see people there from Unconditional Support. I would have stayed for the company but Billy was there laughing and having a good time so I went home, fell on the couch and bawled. I was so heart sick. I want to get the fuck out of Utah where people treat you like shit. I build these support organizations that are no use to me when I need them. But Billy who doesn’t do shit flits around all of them, laughing, having a good time, people interested in his butt while I lay here in the dark, alone, and crying. Its not fair. I’m sick of it. Where is there someone to watch over me? To take care of me. To comfort me. I’m just a scared little boy too at times.

8 March 1989 Wednesday

I am still smarting from Michael Anderson’s caustic remarks yesterday. I would not have gone out or done anything today if I hadn’t already made a commitment to Robert Smith to go with him to the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society tonight. He came over at seven and we walked to Curtis Jensen’s house at 40 South and 1200 East where we held the meeting at seven thirty. About fifteen people were in attendance and it was a nice crowd. John Lamborn, Erik Meyers and his lover, Chris Brown, Neil Hoyt, Robert Smith, Grant Cheever, Steve Oldroyd, Curtis Jensen, Brook Hallock, Becky Moorman, two women from OWLS, Rocky O’Donovan and myself and some others drifted in and out. Rocky gave a presentation about Edith Chapman an early day Lesbian. It was an interesting presentation and afterwards we had a business meeting. We voted that Brook Hallock, Rocky O’Donovan, and Liza Smart would be the representatives to the Gay Community Council. Rocky asked that we meet at my place on the 22^nd for an organizational meeting to write by-laws and incorporate and to discuss whether to affiliate with the Delta Institute.  The meeting ended about nine thirty and I walked home with Robert Smith. He said he wanted to walk me home and my heart fluttered but then crashed when he said he wanted to see if Jim Hunsaker was home. Well scratch him off the list of potential suitors.

9 March 1989 Thursday

It was such a beautiful day at seventy six degrees and record breaking temperatures. I had the kids play softball because it was so nice out. I was suppose to go to this AIDS thing tonight but I was tired, horny, depressed, and whatever. I needed time for myself. It was such a beautiful warm night out that I walked down to the central library to cruise the upstairs men’s room. It was interesting but not spectacular. I stayed until closing, came home, and made some phone calls. I called Ben Barr to ask him to come in Sunday at KRCL to do a program. I also called David Sharpton and we talked about a half an hour bitching about everything going on in our lives. It was great to get it out of my system. We both agreed we were over committed, under sexed, and extremely frustrated. Becky Moss said she’s going to do one of the Beyond Stonewall workshops but wanted to know if she could also bring her girlfriend Catherine for free also.  I said I’d have to think about it but probably not. I don’t have anything against Catherine but why should she get to go for free? What has she done for the community besides be Becky’s lover?  I don’t know of anything. What a position to put me in. As it is we are having eighteen free participants, myself, John Bush, Neil Hoyt, Mike Anderson, Guy Larson, Dan Fahndrich, Richard Morris, and ten facilitators: Ben Barr, Michael Elliott, Patty Reagan, Richard Rodriguez, John Reeves, Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Becky Moss, Robert Smith and Bruce Barton and we all are going to be working at the retreat. Who knows, maybe Becky felt it doesn’t hurt to ask but it hurts me to have to say no. John Tower was denied by the Senate to be Bush’s Secretary of Defense.  Yay! 

10 May 1989 Friday

Another beautiful day but boy is my hay fever kicking in. I’m going to have to make an appointment soon for some allergy relief before I get as sick as I was last year. I have a new student. I got her last Tuesday but she came today. Now I have twenty-six students still down from the thirty I began with at the first of the school year. Susan McCoy dropped me off downtown and there I discovered that my wallet was missing. I wonder if it fell out of my pocket while I had the kids outside for P.E. and I was doing calisthenics with them or maybe its still in the classroom. Who knows? Only thing important in it was my driver’s license and bus pass and since I don’t drive I miss my bus pass more. Later in the evening I went up to the U of U and sat in the sauna and afterwards cruised OSH. Nothing going on there that I could see. It was such a beautiful night out that I just walked on home. I went to bed by ten thirty. I took some antihistamines that Michael Anderson had left here two years ago before going to bed because my eyes were itchy. I never did see my letter to the editor in the Tribune so they probably didn’t print it. Oh well.  

11 March 1989 Saturday

I slept in until nearly ten thirty. Surely I was knocked out by the hay fever drugs I took last night. I was only wakened by the telephone ringing when I had a call from John Reeves. We visited for nearly a half an hour. I let him know about my plans for the summer. He also wanted to do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall on forming a political action committee. He is getting involved in the political process back there in Boston.  After I got dressed for the day, Alan Peterson dropped by. He’s apartment hunting because he got a full time job down here in Salt Lake City. I let him know where I was emotionally with Unconditional Support and that I am suffering burn out. No, more than burn out- a nuclear melt down. I am on my way to china if I don’t get some relief even if it’s a break from everything. After Alan left I took the bus to Smiths at 8^th and 9^th.  There I ran across Liza Smart who was at the Historical Society’s meeting on Wednesday. We visited for the longest time and she is a neat woman. She wants to get involved with the publicity aspect of Beyond Stonewall, especially within the women’s community. I spent a lot of the afternoon down at the Radio City Lounge visiting with Jon Merrill and Curtis Robinson. There some drunk fag basher came into the bar and started getting belligerent. Curtis was ready to jump down his throat but Jon asked us not to goad him on. That was the first time I ever saw that in a Gay Bar. We have no safe spaces evidently. Anyway I left around six thirty and was home by seven, I thought about going down to the Deerhunter but I was already tired and also Doug Fenstermacher dropped by to visit. I fed him some dinner and gave him a massage. He’s such a sweet man and I could really fall for him if he wasn’t already involved with Don Penrose. After he left I went to bed by ten. When I checked my phone messages I heard that Billy had left a message on the Info Line for Chris Brown. A friend of his had been arrested Friday at OSH for misconduct. I gave the message to Chris.

12 March 1989 Sunday

It was another beautiful day and not at all cold like the weathermen had predicted. I went to my Quaker meeting and saw Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen there. I told them about Grant Cheever paying for the membership of the historical society in the Gay and Lesbian Community Council for voting privileges. After the meeting I walked over to Memory Grove and laid out in the sun and read the newspaper. I enjoy Memory Grove but it does make me miss the good times I had with Ken Francis there a lot.  I stayed at the park until one thirty and then walked  on back home. I didn’t do much else before getting ready to do a program on KRCL. Ben Barr picked me up at six but Becky never showed up until seven thirty. It was frustrating because Ben had to leave to attend another meeting even though it was nice just visiting with him about gossip at the Foundation. While waiting I gave him a nice neck and back massage. When Jim Rieger showed up at seven, he and I did a show about the AIDS Quilt that is coming to Salt Lake next week. We interviewed Don Steward who is on the committee helping it come to the Salt Palace. Jim engineered the show while I did the interview. It was the first time I ever did a show without Becky engineering. When she did finally show up we did two more half hour shows. One was on condoms and Gay teenage suicides. The other was just a generic program on Gay lifestyles. I was out of there by ten and in bed. I am just pooped. Thursday Becky, Jim, and I will be interviewing people’s reaction to the AIDS Quilt for another program next Wednesday after this coming week. I am really suffering from burn out but I have to get an ad into the Triangle for a dance in April.

13 March 1989 Monday

The weather has changed once again and it’s really cool out. I did not find my wallet up at school so it really must be lost this time. Oh well. At school I made some decorations for the community dance this March.  When Susan McCoy took me home I had her drop me at the Central City Community Center where I finished paying the deposit for the dance and also made a reservation for April 22^nd for our dance in April. I then walked to my bank to have them issue me another instant cash card for the money machine. I will have to get my driver’s license replaced over the Easter Break. I went to the library to turn some books back in and realized that I cant check out anymore books until I replace my library card. In the evening I stayed home and made decorations for the dance while watching ALF, Katie and Alice, Murphy Brown and Designing Women. James Conrad called me and we visited a little. He was singing the blues having been the one that broke off with Frank Fatah this time. 

14 March 1989 Tuesday

I was really tired today and had to stay in Sunset until five for this In-Service class we have to take for being better teachers. I really didn't get back to Salt Lake City until almost six.  Jon Urban came over last night and stayed until eleven. That is why I think I’m so tired. I am also seriously considering breaking off with him. Last night he asked if I knew Derek Streeter. I was surprised but only said yes. He wanted to know a little about him because Duane Dawson fixed him up with a date with Derek. I said Derek has his faults but I couldn’t see any reason for him not to go out with Derek. I told him I had some personal problems with Derek but I think on the whole, he’s okay. Ever since Derek got this “Spy” reputation I have thought of him as an underdog and I feel sorry for him.  Anyway the more I thought of Jon and me, the madder I became. I always thought Jon was just too busy with work and school to date anyone or for us to go out but now that I know that he is dating and going out with others, I feel used. Billy just wanted my nurturing skills. Jon just wants me for sex. I am getting sick of people just using me and not giving me back anything I might need. Neither Billy or Jon would even kiss me. They didn’t love me. Not really. I walked over to the Crossroads Urban Center around six and did some Treasurer work for the Community Council with Chuck Whyte. I told Chuck that the Secretary Treasurer position should be divided in to two positions with the Vice Chair taking some of the work, It’s just too much work for one person. While there I used Chuck’s computer to generate an ad for the Spring April dance to go into the Triangle. I stayed for about a half hour at the Unconditional Support meeting. Ray Nielson was leading and he makes Ken Francis seem like a mental giant. Both incredibly sweet guys though. I was tired probably why I am so bitchy and walked home to bed by nine.  

15 March 1989 Wednesday

I bought a ten speed bike from Susan McCoy tonight for $50. It had belonged to Floyd who paid $250 for it originally. I am so excited about having wheels again. We left right after faculty meeting so I was home by four thirty. On my door was taped a note from Jim Hunsaker wanting to go with me to the Candlelight procession tonight. He also asked me to go with him looking for a rattan bathroom cabinet so I did. While out with him I bought a lock for my bike too. We walked together over to St. Mark’s Cathedral and we were there around six fifty and it was already packed. We barely got a seat because there were probably five hundred people in attendance. The service was really moving. Towards the end before we got up to join the march, Curtis Robinson came and and joined us. We went outside with our lit candles and were at the head of the procession. The Salt Lake Police estimated that only fifty people would attend the march. My weren’t they way off. Ten fold.  Curtis and I walked down South Temple while holding each other and it was so beautiful. The weather held up for all of it. I can’t remember other candlelight processions in Salt Lake City. The energy was tremendous as we march right past Temple Square. I thought about the social significance of us walking arm in arm in front of Utah’s Kremlin. The march ended at symphony Hall with us singing We Shall Overcome. 

16 March 1989 Thursday

At school we held our Sixth Grade Science Fair for most of the afternoon. Susan McCoy was staying for the PTA meeting tonight so I took the bus home. It was so slow going tonight and it took nearly two hours to get home. I then grabbed something to eat before getting ready for the opening ceremony for the Names Project. I took another bus downtown to meet up with Jon Merrill and Curtis Robinson in front of the Radio City. We all wanted to go together. Steve Oldroyd was in the bar and he joined us. The Quilt was displayed in the Assembly Hall of the Salt Palace where Coronation is held.  Curtis said you could feel the energy level in the air surrounding the event. The walkways were laid out but the center squares were empty until the unfolding. Many of the 12 feet by 12 panels squares were already hanging on the walls including twenty-five individual panels of Utahns which were displayed prominently on the stage wall including the one I made for Michael Spense. That made me proud that I made a quilt panel even as busy as I am. It was a somber atmosphere within the Salt Palace as if at a funeral. At seven the unfolding ceremony began. David Sharpton was the conductor of the event and introduced the dignitaries who read off the names of people who had died of AIDS as the unfolders laid out the squares to fill the empty spaces. Some of the unfolders who I knew David Malmstrom, Chuck Thomas, Ric Belnap, Erik Meyers, his lover Rod, Neil Hoyt, Garth Chamberlain, and many many more that I just can’t recall as I write this. The emotions and senses of those participating were reeling. I didn’t think I’d cry after seeing the Quilt in Washington DC but I did.  On stage reading names were Mayor Palmer DePaulis, his wife, Bruce Lindsey from KSL, Cathleen Block from KUTV, Bruce Barton, Ben Barr, Bruce Harmon, Larry White of the Golden Spike Empire, and many many more. The unfolding ceremony lasted about an hour then people began to mill around on the walkways between the squares.  Curtis and I walked arms around each other and looked at the colorful and tragic memorial. While I was viewing panels I came upon Clair Harward’s panel. I burst into tears. I didn’t know someone had done one for him. It was a very emotional evening with people weeping, consoling and hugging each other.  On a section of the quilt where we allowed to write, I wrote the name of Mark Bluto from the Restoration Church. The TV cameras were rolling everywhere and even Becky Moss and Jim Rieger were doing interviews for Sunday’s taping for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I was too choked up to even attempt to do interviews. So very many  names and yet only a forth of the quilt was on display which even in it’s entirety only represented a fifth of everyone who has died from AIDS. And some say I’m not suppose to be radical nor political when the government has spent more on finding a cure for male pattern baldness than a cure for AIDS. I walked home by myself in a slow steady drizzle. Even the heavens are weeping. 

17 March 1989 Friday St. Patrick’s Day

It was a long, emotional day after yesterday’s viewing of the AIDS Quilt. I was glad that Susan McCoy had to get home early because I was so exhausted. I laid down on the camelback couch as soon as I got home and was unable to get animated for the rest of the evening. I was so emotionally drained. So I cut out decorations for our dance next Saturday for the rest of the evening. I was going to go back down to the Salt Palace for the live presentation between nine and ten but as I said I was wiped out. Instead I watched it on Chanel 2 and was glad I did. They did a documentary on the Quilt showing Wednesday’s Candlelight march, the unfolding ceremony, and a little bit about the Utah panels. I was shown with Curtis Robinson as we walked arm in arm in the Candlelight procession Wednesday. I have to get a copy of the video because almost everyone I know is captured on film. It was like a family album. I was crying throughout the program. I am glad I stayed home to watch it. I was in bed by ten thirty really, really tired. 

18 March 1989 Saturday

I was up early around seven thirty to clean my place. It was in really bad shape and I also did my wash. About ten I decided that it would be nice to make come cookies for the volunteers at the Salt Palace so I made about six dozen oatmeal applesauce cookies. I also called Ben Barr to see if it would appropriate to bring cookies and he said certainly just bring them through the back entrance. So I took another bus downtown and was there by noon. I was to be a reader of names at noon with Jon Terrill. That was a powerful experience  and I really tried to choke back the tears when reading the list with just all the single names of Bill or Billy. There must have been thirty of them or more and to read one after another nearly broke my heart.  Rocky O’Donovan the sweet thing cried in my arms. One of the names I read off was John Glorioso. He was a Quaker. I stayed  at the Names Project until around two thirty. Leaving the Salt Palace I walked over to the Radio City to kill some time before catching the bus to Smith’s. Curtis Robinson was there as was Jon Merrill who was bartending. It was good to get away from all the sorrow and laugh and tell some jokes. My favorites are “Why are Mormons buried thirty feet underground?” “Because deep down they are really good people” “what’s the difference between a pig and a Mormon?” “ There are somethings a pig just won’t do.” There were two nice guys, Wayne Elliott and Kerwin,  sitting with us telling is these jokes. I was only going to stay about a half hour but I got to having so much fun I stayed until five before catching a bus that went directly to Smith’s without me having to transfer. I had to be back at the Salt Palace  by seven to read off some more names so I rode my newly acquired bike rather than take a bus. Names of people who had died of AIDS was consistently read although the day and evening and we had to take turns reading to avoid fatigue. I stayed at the Names Project until closing at nine. I added Charles Van Dam’s name to the panel you could write on. I spent much of my time in the company of Ben Barr and David Sharpton who both looked exhausted. At the Salt Palace I came across Darrell Webber who was with Mike Casey and Erik “Chase” Carlson. They wanted me to go with them to see the Rocky Horror Show and since both Mike and Chase were virgins I agreed to go with them. I rode my bike home in the rain and then Darrell came by to pick me up. Darrell had a scar on his cheek ad I asked him how he got it. He said about two weeks ago a man he picked up while cruising pulled a knife on him and stabbed him. Yesterday Mark Lamar called me all upset because he was attacked while walking home from a bar back in Indiana. This black man just hit him for no apparent reason except that it was obvious Mark is Gay. Thank God Mark was near his home and didn’t get beat up. Anyway we went out to dinner at the “Other Place” but I just had coffee. Michael bought everyone else’s dinner. He would have bought mine if I would have eaten. I was miffed at Chase because I think he’s really using Mike because he has a good income from working in the oil fields near Casper, Wyoming. Mike is about 45 years old, a little portly but nice and just coming out. Chase is twenty two and works as a waiter and I think he’s just using Mike as a sugar daddy. Oh Well. It’s not my business. Darrell said Chase even moved in with Mike. People are so vulnerable their first year out. Rocky Horror was fun as usual at the Blue Mouse and it was three in the morning before I went to bed. 

19 March 1989 Sunday

I slept in until nearly noon. I didn’t make it to my Quaker Meeting because of the weather. It rained and drizzled all day. Surely the heavens are weeping over us. It was so warm and beautiful the night of the Candlelight Procession but has mist or rained ever since. I finished putting clear contact paper on all my decorations for the dance next Saturday. I made faeries, elves, mushrooms, unicorns, frogs, and toadstools to decorate the walls with. It should be fun. Around four there was a break in the weather so I rode my bike on down to the Salt Palace and stayed there for nearly another two hours visiting with the folks I knew. About five thirty, Cecilia from the Metropolitan Community Church came up to me to ask about the dimensions of the panels because she wanted to make one for Stephen Baustrad. I asked “Stephen, dead?”  and she said yes didn’t I know? "He passed away February 28^th in Phoenix of AIDS.” I just then burst into tears at the horrible news and held her as I cried not believing it. Stephen dead? And what a place to hear about it. I just cried and cried not caring who might see my grief and thought how much I really hated all this death around me. Its a damn war zone. About six thirty I rode my bike down to the KRCL studios to do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I wanted to be done by eight to go back to the Salt Palace to see the closing ceremony but we didn’t get finished until nine fifteen. It was a wonderful program with interviews from people’s reactions to the opening ceremonies. It was a nice tribute and I dedicated the show to Ben Barr and David Sharpton and all the many volunteers who made this event possible. Too many emotions swirling around me to even articulate one and write it down. They are so, so elusive and they melt away as soon as I start to write. Powerfully draining have been the past five days. Seeing so many friends at the Names Project it felt a lot like a family reunion or perhaps, a funeral. At home after doing the program I called Mom and Dad. They had just returned from a trip to Texas. Mom said Grandma is getting so feeble. She just lays up at the rest home in Littlefield and cries. 

20 March 1989 Monday

The first day of Spring. Yay! I survived another fucking Utah winter. I don’t care if I die in the Spring, summer, or fall but please God not in the winter. Ugh! Back to school and was so glad it was an early out day for the kids. I was home by four thirty and I took a nap until five thirty. I should have slept more but I wanted to goo to the library to look up books on African Art because we are studying that continent in Social Studies. I stayed there until around six thirty then walked on home. I watched ALF and wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I missed the seven thirty bus so I took the eight fifteen one. I don’t know why I bothered. When I got there at eight thirty there was a not on the classroom door saying they ended early and were over at the Union Building. The only reason I went up at all was to announce the dance this Saturday. However at the Union Building no one was there I knew except Joe Dewey and Garth Chamberlain who both were involved in a game of chess. I talked to Garth briefly but Joe didn’t even have the courtesy  to look up to say hi as if I didn't even exist. I really do think he’s worthless and a self centered jerk. Perhaps when he grows up he’ll change.  I left and just walked on home feeling rather blue, hating being in Utah and feeling unappreciated and unloved. I'm, tired of living alone but on the other hand I’m glad to be living alone.  I want friends  but I am tired of starting all over again as people move or die off. I am missing Billy Bikowski and hating him at the same time. I am a bundle of conflicting emotions. At home I called Steve Brackenbury in California perhaps just to link up with someone from the past who might understand how I am feeling. Time changes everything. After getting off the phone I read from my journal from 1986 until I went to bed at eleven thirty. I should not have stayed up so late. I’ll pay for it tomorrow.

21 March 1989 Tuesday’

It seemed like a Wednesday all day to me for some reason. After getting home from work, I went right over to the Crossroads Urban Center on 4^th East. I was tired because of the In-Service class I am taking now from three fifteen until four forty five. Anyway at Crossroads I received the Gay and Lesbian Community Council’s minutes from Chuck Whyte and typed them all up. I stopped at seven to make an announcement at Unconditional Support about the dance this Saturday and gave out some information on the Human Rights Campaign Fund. After making my announcements I went back up stairs and typed until eight. Billy was at the meeting but I tried not to let him distract me from my task.The meeting for tonight was on people’s reaction to the AIDS Quilt. Robert Smith brought his roommate Troy Lunt to the meeting for the first time. Mike Casey was going to lower the seat on my bike after the meeting but I guess it takes a stupid allen wrench. I guess I’ll have to wait until next week. Oh well I am used to a sore butt. Billy came over to my bike to see if he could help. I didn’t ask him to help so he left, then he stopped and turned and gave me a sad look. I just gave him a slight resigned sigh and a look that said, “I know its over between us and there’s nothing we can do about it but I wish you well.”  I stopped in for coffee at Dee’s for a brief minute. While there Rocky and Darrell paid their registration fees for Beyond Stonewall in full tonight. 

22 March 1989 Wednesday

I am glad to see this day end at school. I was dragging my ass so much. I am really going to enjoy my four days off this week for Easter Break. I was home by five and spent most of the time cleaning my apartment for the business for the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society. Liza Smart, Robert Smith, Rocky O’Donovan and I spent about three hours going over our articles of incorporation with finally agreeing to let me write them and then go over them with everyone next Wednesday at Liza’s place.  I really like her. Perhaps kindred spirits. I don’t know. We decided to move our meetings of the Historical Society to the last Wednesday of each month.  It was a good productive meeting. I love building community and this historical society is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time anyway. I gave Robert Smith a facilitator application to do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall. 

23 March 1989 Thursday

I met a fascinating man at Gay Father’s tonight named Bill. He’s just coming out and I am strongly attracted to him. I only went to the meeting to give John Bush the checks for Beyond Stonewall I’ve received but after seeing this man I decided to stay. He’s from Brigham City and had just separated from his wife. I hope he will be okay. He’s staying with Beau Chaine so Uh Oh. Beau says he’ll be starting up a new catering business this fall for the Gay help line.  Anyway I went into work this morning with Susan McCoy until one. It was a Career Ladder day and the kids are all off but I was delighted that Jeremiah Kite came up to school to see me. That touched my heart because it makes all the low pay and bull shit worth it to know that you‘ve made a difference in someone’s life. If I didn’t mean something to that boy he would never have taken the time to drop by to see me. Maybe he realized how much I cared for him and wanted him to achieve something in life.  After getting home from Sunset, I went over to Crossroads Urban Center  from two until five making thirty six copies of the minutes, stapling them, and stamping envelopes to mail out to paid members and organizations of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council.  So glad that is done. It was a fairly warm day and I rode my bike around for exercise. It’s suppose to rain on Easter but if it’s warm tomorrow I’m going to lay out in the sun. Gay Fathers was pleasant meeting Bill. He’s about six feet four inches tall, dark hair, highly masculine profile. Good looking but sensitive. Strong powerful hands. I would like to give him a massage. 

24 March 1989 Friday

I cleaned my apartment a little and did some errands this morning but mostly suffered from hay fever. I don’t know what kicked it in but I am miserable and doped up. I’m taking Benadryl and antihistamines and bee pollen pills and I’m still miserable. Ugh. I went up to the U of U and sat in the sauna for a long time and that seemed to help a lot. I just feel drugged out.  Some daffodils are up and the lilac bushes are just beginning to bud. Well some history was made here in Utah up at the University. Some scientists were able to create fusion at room temperature. They say it will possibly change the way we live and use energy. That would be wonderful. When the capitalists can figure out a way to make money off of it and not take an economic dive because of its investment in oil perhaps we will see something come of this yet. In the evening I watched Mary Martin in Peter Pan. I remember first seeing it in 1955 on TV. The next day at the doctors I remember asking my mother if we could watch it again. She said may be in ten years. I never saw it again until  tonight. “ I’ll never go grow up never grow up not me.” I was so strung out that I didn’t go out or anything. I went to bed by ten. I keep thinking about Bill from Brigham City. Fran sent me an Easter Card filled with jelly beans ha! And a small name tag. It surely doesn’t feel like Easter break to me. 

25 March 1989 Saturday

What a lousy stinking day. I slept in until ten. I think I am still drugged out on all the hay fever medicine I am taking. I spent much of the morning calling people to remind them about the community dance tonight. I don’t know why I bothered. I Just could not get energized this morning or in the afternoon but I did drag myself downtown to the Radio City. It wasn’t very fun today. Probably because of my rotten attitude. I just felt blah.  I left there and went down to the city library to look up a book for Bill from Gay Fathers and I also cruised a little. Never too tired for that. I was home by six to start rounding up stuff and decorations I made for the dance. Darrell Webber said he’d pick me up at eight and when he did we went to the store to get some punch and cookies. We were at the Central City Community Center by eight thirty and I started decorating the multipurpose space. When Allan Peterson breezed in his attitude was like “I’m here now! What do you want me to do?” No take any initiative on his part at all. So I said help move tables to open the dance floor but they stood around and all Darrell and Allan could talk about was their cruise they are going to go on together. I was just frantic trying to get all the decorations up by nine when the dance was suppose to begin. However Richard Morris didn’t even show up with his equipment and music until right at nine and it took a half an hour to set up all his speakers and sound board. I was getting more and more frustrated by the minute as people were coming and milling around complaining that there was no music. Finally it was nearly ten before the dance really got on the way and about then the rickety table that Darrell had set the refreshments on collapsed when some people were leaning on it. Punch spilled all over the floor but at least the glass bowl didn’t shatter. I saw it happen and just sat down discouraged. People were looking at me like “Aren’t you going to take care of this too?” Allen looked at me and I said to him, “I’m not cleaning it up”.  But the spill sat there for fifteen minutes with no one bothering to clean it up so I thought “Oh fuck it”. I went and retrieved a mop and bucket and swabbed it all up myself. I was so mad. Allen, Darrell, and Ray Nielson are the officers of Unconditional Support and none even bothered to lift a finger to help clean up the mess. By ten forty five most of the young people had left the dance and at eleven I told Darrell I was going home and they could lock the place up. Unconditional Support made about $100 tonight and while that is wonderful what am I getting out of it? I guess I am expected to just be an old work horse, an old nag so that the young thoroughbreds can cavort with each other. I miss Chris Brown and Dave Malmstrom when we worked as a team on these dances. I am through with my last community dance. I’ve thrown my last one. I hoped they enjoyed it. After walking home to the Juel on 6^th East, I stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live in my basement apartment. So I didn’t get to bed until nearly one thirty. At two thirty in the morning I woke up choking from my hay fever because I couldn’t breathe lying down. I got up and went to the front room feeling so awful and congested. I hate spring in Utah for what it does to my allergies. Ugh. I hated today. All throughout the dance I just wanted to go outside and scream in pure frustration but no, the show must go on. I’m just tired of caring more than others do. 

26 March 1989 Sunday Easter

It rained and drizzled all day which was very reflective of my dreary mood. I didn’t make it to church because of the rain. I didn’t go anywhere nor call anyone. I watched Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, which is one of my favorite thrillers, for most of the afternoon. During an interlude from the rain, I decided to get out and I rode my bike down to the Radio City because Jon Merrill was going to be working Easter Day and there he was dressed as his drag persona as Dixie. It was pretty depressing let me tell you spending Easter Sunday in a Gay Bar in Salt Lake City. Forlorn hope. I did spend much of the time visiting with Steve Oldroyd. He’s upset because he just got a one week notice for his job ending. Anyway I decided I did not want to spend Sunday evening in a bar so I came home and then walked up to the Affirmation Meeting in the Unitarian Church. Besides I had a lot of information I had to give Neil Hoyt from the Community Council. I mainly visited with Dave Malmstrom about how things are going on in the community. I told him that trying to get anyone to assume responsibility in Unconditional Support is like pulling teeth. He said the same about Chuck Thomas because evidently he’s not much of a go getter either. Russ Lane was at the meeting tonight and it was just about three years ago that I got him a job at Utah Title so he could stay in Utah. Billy Bikowski showed up too but I just ignored him so he couldn’t bruise my heart and I continued on with my conversation with Dave until a video tape from KUED’s AIDS Quarterly program on a documentary about Malcolm Pace who died from AIDS at the age of 39-years and a HBO documentary called “What Sex Am I?” about Christine Jorgenson. When Jeff Wood came into the meeting hall, he motioned to me to come sit next to him so I did. Why I wasn’t sure but he acted really warm to me and sweet. He put his arm around me and ran his fingers through the back on my hair. It felt good to have the attention especially in front of Billy.  I could tell that he was noticing all the affection that Jeff was giving me and at one point he got out of his seat and Billy walked by me brushing against me before taking another seat in front of me so that I would have to look at him. However I didn’t play into his little game. I had a nice time after all at Affirmation even when Neil Hoyt was being rather snotty to me for some reason. At the end of the meeting he made an announcement about changes being sought by members of Wasatch Affirmation and I enthusiastically said Amen and the Neil sarcastically directed his remarks to me saying “Paid member’s views are considered more valuable than those who haven’t paid up.” And I piped back at him, “There wouldn’t even be an Affirmation to pay dues to if it wasn’t for Ben Williams!” and Russ Lane stated “that’s true.”  So there.  After the meeting Jeff gave me a ride home so I didn’t have to stick around and dwell on Billy or wonder whether he’s going to offer me a ride or not. I was in bed by ten thirty. Happy Easter.

27 March 1989 Monday

It’s the last day of my Easter Vacation and I really didn’t get much accomplished. I made an appointment with my Family Health Plan FHP provider to get some relief from my hay fever. But my bus was so late getting down to 7800 South in Midvale that I had to get off at the Fashion Place Mall to call and cancel my appointment as I knew I’d never get there  in time. While getting off the bus,  it started to rain so hard that I barely got into a Denny’s to call before it really down poured. I made another appointment for April 10^th at five forty five with FHP. So I spent nearly two hours riding the bus for no reason. In the late afternoon,  I went up on campus to sit in the sauna to sweat out the pollen in me and it felt so good. While there I met a man who was looking for some action so we got together and I nearly had heat stroke before he came, but it was worth it. I had to be home by six for a dinner date with Jim Rieger from Concerning Gays and Lesbians. He took me to the Samurai Restaurant at Trolley Square and he treated me to dinner. I had vegetable tempura and egg rolls. We sat and visited for about two and a half hours about his life in California where he spends half his time for his work, He’s very witty, intelligent and a charming individual but I never felt any real spark of attraction for him. We walked about Trolley Square afterwards looking at the shops. It was a nice evening.

28 March 1989 Tuesday

Back at school and I was dragging all day from the lack of sleep from my hay fever. Then I had an in-service class from three until five so I was really tired by the time I finally got home. I tried to cat nap a little before attending Unconditonal Support but I didn’t really feel all that rested until right before the meeting. So I decided to walk down to the Crossroads Urban Center just in case Bill from Logan might show up but he didn’t. Neither did Billy Bikowski. The meeting was on Gay Rights and Allen Peterson is so boring. He just doesn’t know how to liven things up or speak in anything but a soft monotone voice. Oh Well. The real objection I have to his style is that he doesn’t give everyone a chance to talk by at least going around the room once so people can comment if they wished to do so instead of letting a few monopolize the topic. Steve Oldroyd told me he thought my likening our Salt Lake Gay organizations to forts on the frontier was a wonderful analogy. Bryce Beesley announced he wants to start a couples group for those in a relationship.  Chuck Whyte gave me the GLCCU agenda for next Thursday’s April meeting. He said he wouldn’t be there as he is leaving for San Diego for two weeks. After Unconditional Support I went with others to Dee’s for coffee. There Jim Hunsaker and I had an argument over the direction of the Youth Group was going. I finally thought he doesn’t have the faintest notion  of how the youth group was formed last year so why bother discussing it with him? After Dee’s, Mike Casey, who was down from Casper Wyoming came over to my place and he fixed my bike by lowering the seat so it would be more comfortable for me to ride. Now at last it’s really rideable. My hay fever is acting up again and I’m getting a cold sore on my lip from blowing my noose so much. Don’t ask ne how the two are related. 

29 March 1989 Wednesday

I was a zombie at work today. I was so glad when the faculty meeting was over at four so I could go home. There I slept for about twenty minutes but not nearly long enough. I tried straightening up the apartment. A small place can get messier quicker than a large one. Then I went over to Liza Smart’s place for a business meeting for the historical society. In attendance were Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Smith, Liza Smart, and myself. We hashed out the articles of incorporation that I had written up and now all we have to agree on are the by-laws. The Executive Council will be Rocky, Liza and Brook Hallock with Rocky acting as chair and director. We worked until ten and I was really ready to hit the sack. Before leave we decided to hold our first Board of Trustees meeting next Wednesday at Curtis Jensen’s house. It was kind of fun creating this new organization. Its what I like to do. Hopefully one that will last if it's built on a good foundation. 

30 March 1989 Thursday

We had our faculty picture taken  for the year this morning at school. My hay fever has really kicked in. At home I spent much of the evening making music tapes for the kid’s dance tomorrow. The first tape I made broke so I had to stay up until midnight making another one. I know I will be a basket case tomorrow.

31 March 1987 Friday

Today would have been my Grandma Williams’ 87^th birthday. I was so exhausted this morning from staying up so late plus I am having a major hay fever reaction. Susan McCoy and I had to stop at a store this morning before going to Sunset to get some punch for the dance this afternoon. While there I bought more hay fever mega drugs. My eyes were almost swollen shut from allergies. They were so puffy and gross and red and itchy. I almost went home because I was feeling so lousy but decided to stick it out after telling the kids that I was in bad shape and just have mercy on me today. My class lost to Mrs. Pickett’s fifth graders in a state and capitals naming contest. I have to make cupcakes now for her class. The kids enjoyed their dance and I got paid today. After school, I deposited my monthly check and went up to the U of U to sit in the Sauna  to sweat out some of this water I am retaining and is bloating me up. I hate this so much. Yuck. Well this is the end of March. Winter is over and spring is here and I’m still in Utah and I’ll be 38 years old in April.