1
December 1989 Friday
James Edgar Clark Wachs was born 21 years ago this very
night. I was seventeen years old, working at the Home Silk Shop on Harbor Blvd
and Chapman Avenue in Garden Grove as a stock boy. I had not yet fallen in love
with John Cunningham but I knew I was Gay or at least queer. I couldn’t have
loved James anymore if I had him myself.
Indeed at times I was a more attentive mother.
So glad its Friday and got paid today. I had an extra $56 in my check
for career ladder day. That was a pleasant surprise so I made $950 this month.
I put $150 into Valley Bank in savings. I have $925 in there now. It’s my
little nest egg and the first time I've ever had any real savings. I went to the
Post Office to retrieve my mail. I had a letter from Mark Lamar which really made
me smile. He's gone and started a church. Its great and I love it. This
partially deaf guy, Wayne Thompson came over this evening and bored the living
shit out of me But I tried to be sweet and supportive. I the news President
Bush is over in Malta to meet with Russian President Gorbachev. It’s pathetic that
we don’t have some real leadership during this historic time. Where are our
leaders? Today is National AIDS Day
Today was interesting. I straightened up the apartment in
the morning then took a bus up to Smiths in the Avenues where I ran into Kevin
McCloskey. I went back with him to his
house to visit for a while and we made plans to go home to California together
for Xmas. His folks live in Riverside. We discussed the Sacred Faeries and
other metaphysical concepts. After taking me home, I paid rent $380 and made
out some bills. I only owe about $400 to Levitz Furniture. I sent them $75.
Later in the afternoon I walked downtown
and stopped in at a “tea-room” in the Eagle Gate Plaza. There was a hunky young
fellow there and we got it on. That brought color to my cheeks. On the way over
to Radio City, to check to see if the Triangle was out, I ran into John Merrill
on his bike. It made me want to get mine fixed. We talked a little about the
nature of public sex and the raw power there. Anyway I breezed through Radio
City and on the way out this tall cute guy, with bad teeth, winked at me. I didn’t
know about the bad teeth until later but it was fun being winked at. I spent
the rest of the evening home watching TV. I went to bed fairly early about ten
thirty. The hazy smoggy weather is choking me. I’ve never been this affected by
the smog before in Salt Lake City Yuck!
3
December 1989 Sunday
I really didn’t do anything today. I feel like my body is
trying to fight off something, so I’m just taking it easy. Late in the
afternoon, I had a lot of company dropping by and phone calls all about the
same time. Steve Oldroyd came over to pick up the Color of Love Book and he stayed to visit. Rod Sheiffer then
came over and I handed over all my Beyond Stonewall information to him. I just
took a deep breath and handed my records over to him. It was sort of like
sending a child out on his own and placing him in the care of others. Oh Well.
I think it will be fine. I still would like Beyond Stonewall to be a fundraiser
for the Community Center. Anyway Mark Lamar called about his new church and how
he set me up as an ordained minister in his Gay ministry. It made me laugh.
Good old Mark. More about that later. Dave Sharpton called and invited me to a
party this Saturday. He may be leaving Salt Lake City too, for Washington DC. I
stayed home tonight and copied a colorized version of the Gable and McDonald’s
San Francisco movie. Now back to Mark Lamar. I think this church concept is important.
I can’t put my finger right on it but there’s a thought, or vision behind this.
Mark may have put it together and completed the paper work but if its to be meaningful
I will have to put forth some major effort. Perhaps in Mexico.
4 December 1989 Monday
Back to school and I’m so drained. I must be fighting off something.
In fact I was so tired; I went to bed at eight thirty. I’ve written out about
twenty Xmas cards with more to send out. I’m sorry I don’t have more to write
about today but I am pooped and going to bed.
5 December 1989 Tuesday
School is hectic! I had to sit on my class today because
they were so hyper. I had them make paper poinsettias in art. I also bought
five boxes of See’s Candies for all my nephews and niece in California. After
school I went to the Utah Idaho School supplies and bought an activity book for
December to try and keep the kids buzy, buzy. I also bought a calendar for the
Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. Bobbie Smith called me and said he’s
been in touch with the leaders of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and they
want to do an activity with Unconditional Support. Jim Hunsaker took me down to
the Crossroads Urban Center for Unconditional Support where the discussion was
on Holiday Depression. I’ve out grown Unconditional Support so much. What to do
next? I made a list of Gay and Lesbian Community Officers
beginning in December 1986
- 1987-1988: John Sassaman moderator Dec 1986 to August 1987, John Bennett Chair Sept 1987 to March 1988, Lyle Bradley Vice Chair Sept 1987 to January 1988, Jim Hunsaker Secretary Sept 1987-March 1988
- 1988-1989 John Bennett Chair Jan 1988 to March 1988, Satu Servigna Vice Chair January 1988 to March 1988, Jim Hunsaker Secretary Jan 1988 to March 1988; Chair April 1988 to January 1989, John Reeves Vice Chair March 1988 to August 1988, Reina Horton Vice Chair Sept 1988 to January 1989 Bruce Barton Secretary March 1988 to January 1989,
- 1989 Neil Hoyt Chair Feb 1989 to December 1989, Chuck Whyte Vice Chair Feb 1989 to December 1989, Ben Williams Secretary Feb 1989 to December 1989
6 December 1989 Wednesday
“They’re writing songs of love but not for me” Mrs. Day was
out today and Mr. Unger was pissing me off with his cavalier take charge
attitude not caring what I might want to do with the fifth graders. I really
don’t like him. He’s a fucking passive aggressive Mormon. It was really ugly
today. It was kind of rainy and nasty out today. I taught the kids about Hanukah
today. Yesterday I bought five one pound boxes of See’s chocolates for $28. That’s
a good deal. Allan Peterson of all people sent me my first Christmas Card.
Gawd. This means now I am going to have
to forgive him. Mike Pipkin called me today. I’m probably crazy but I said he
could stay here for a while and if he wants to pay me $100 he can stay through
January. I guess he will. I’m still feeling blah! Trying to fight off a bug I
think. Kids are dropping left and right at school with the flu. Talking to Steve
Oldroyd last Sunday when he dropped over to borrow The Color of Love, he told
me he saw Billy Bikowski at the Deerhunter. I’m sending Terry Johnson a
Christmas Card. Jim Hunsaker is so in love with this Stuart Character, the poor
sap. The guy is not ready for what Jim could give him. It’s funny I’m
surrounded by people such as Jim Hunsaker and Mike Pipkin who have become my
close friends through attrition since the ones who really loved me are gone. I
am pooped and so will go to bed. Darkness all around. Mother Goddess please
bring the light of thy son back to nurture my life. What a silly faggot I am to
still love sweet William after all these
years.
7
December 1989 Thursday-
I should not write
when I am so furious but I will. Tonight
was elections for GLCCU and Chuck Whyte was not elected Chair of the
council. Robert Austin was elected.
While I have nothing against Robert and I think he'll do a good job, I am
really furious with Rocky O’Donovan and upset with Liza Smart for not voting
for Chuck. I made two major appeals for
Chuck's election, based on his experience and even more so because he has
earned it. The least I felt I could expect from Rocky was loyalty to me if not
to Chuck. As Dale Sorenson said I voted for Robert just because I knew him more
than Chuck even though I value your opinion. And I replied “Yes but evidently
not enough” As I said to Bruce Harmon who did vote for Chuck, "Doesn't loyalty mean anything
anymore?" and he replied
"It's not 'in' this year."
What do we have now in this community, individuals all with self serving
interests? Aren't we a family anymore? Even if some in the council didn't know
Chuck that well, they knew me. And that is what I cannot forgive. Rocky is cut
off and is not among the people I love anymore and Liza I am going to let go
too. They are not in my family anymore. As far as I am concern, after all I've
done for Rocky with helping him start the Gay Historical Society, getting him recognized in the Gay
community, promoting him at Beyond Stonewall and ending my relationship with
the Quakers because of my sense of loyalty to him. Robert Smith was about the
only one at the council I could truly trust and count on.
Chuck was elected to be Vice Chair because the council cynically knew
that he would do the grunt work. Robert
Smith who I also nominated was elected Secretary. I got
a motion passed that smoking is prohibited in the main meeting during our
business hours. I tried to get the plaque motion going to honor past officers
but Neal Hoyt the asshole said it was a Stonewall Center issue while Donald
Steward the pig said “Let them pay for it.”
8
December 1989 Friday
I had a disturbed peace this morning from the restless
sleep I got last night. I am still
reeling from the slap to Chuck Whyte’s dedication to the council. I dreamed that I told the council off. We now have a squeaky clean all American boy
image for the council again and a Gay Professional activist for the first time
since he collects a pay check from the Utah AIDS Foundation. I think the era of Gay volunteerism is
closing and the era of Gay professionalism is beginning. It’s a sad day when loyalty is replaced with
politicking and self interest. Well I
finally caught the cold that is going around. Probably why I am so bitchy. After
lunch I started sneezing and my nose was runny so here it is. I stayed home
this evening. I stuffed myself silly with cornbread and pinto beans and Vitamin
C pills. I wanted to see Sonia Johnson who is in town but just didn’t have the
energy to go out into the cold. Luci Malin left a message on the phone answering
machine saying that Sonia Johnson has received death threats, someone calling
saying they will blow up the Mormon Queer. I wish I was feeling strong enough
to be there and support Luci but I am tired. Worn out.
9 December 1989 Saturday
I certainly do have a cold. I am just worn out. I took the
bus to 8th and 9th to get some groceries at Smith because
I was all out. I don’t have a runny nose or anything. I am just worn down. I
would have liked to have gone to hear Sonia Johnson last night but it’s quite
impossible. I bought a coffee maker today- a twelve cupper. Mike Pipkin moved
in with me today. Probably a mistake but I don’t care right now. He needed
help. We went to David Sharpton’s “People With AIDS Coalition” Christmas Party.
Lots of people there but just a few that I knew. But I had a lot of fun talking with the women
about social issues and being a Gay man.
Mike Pipkin went with me and I think enjoyed him self too. I’ve been
missing Terry Johnson a lot today and I almost broke down and called him but I
didn’t. He has my number too.
10 December 1989 Sunday
It was supposed to have stormed and snowed this weekend but
its been chilly and clear instead. I stayed home almost all day nursing my cold
except going out in the afternoon to walk over to the Post Office. Nothing
exciting there. Just a bill from Sears. Mike Pipkin had a date with a guy named
Brandon Burt in the afternoon so I was home alone most of the evening. I didn’t
want to do a show with Jim Rieger so I just said I was sick. Which I am. What
are my thoughts? I don’t know. I’m kind of letting time swirl around me without
anything really special going on in my
life. The Gordon Church- Michael Archuletta murder trial is in the news and I’ve
been trying to follow that in the paper. I walked over to talk to Bobbie Smith
while I was out but he had a “friend” over so he couldn’t visit. I got an Xmas
card from Allan Peterson. That was strange. I suppose he is trying to build
some of the bridges he burned last summer. I’m willing to let bygones be
bygones but not with Rocky O’Donovan. He betrayed a trust and does not deserve
my loyalty anymore. I wrote out some Xmas cards today. I am sending Fran $50.
She probably can use it. I really can’t
think about much more to write about. Communism is coming apart at the seams in
Eastern Europe and events are happening much too fast to be absorbed properly.
What is going on? God’s inscrutable will is poured out upon the people of
Europe this holiday season. Funny I don’t seem to care about much of anything
or anyone right now. There’s no music in my soul, no joy in my feet and no
happiness in my heart; with all that I have I am contented least.
11
December 1989 Monday
I’m feeling better but damn its cold outside. I didn’t do
much at school all day except practice the 5th grade Christmas play.
At home I didn’t do anything but work on mid term progress reports. Mike Pipkin had his friend Brandon Burt over. I watched a tremendous Designing Women’s
episode called “They Shoot Fat Women don’t they? Truly it doesn’t matter how much we have or
how we look, but how we feel about ourselves and how we treat each other. Tomorrow
is the last full moon of the 1980’s.
12
December 1989 Tuesday-
It was a cold, Cold day again. Yuck! I finished up mid-terms
today. The kids are doing a whole lot better. I had a crisis meeting after school
concerning a possible teacher’s strike in January. I donated $10 to the Union
as well as my regular dues. In the evening Mike Pipkin and I walked down to
Unconditional Support tonight to be with Bobbie Smith who is leading the group
now. He led a meeting on dating and it
was a pretty good meeting but small.
Mike, Bobbie, John Goodman, Rick Eden, Jerry Lars, Willie Goodman,
another Mike, and a guy named Wayne attended tonight. There were three men at the meeting including
myself who were school teachers. That was fun. Willie Goodman is holding a
Christmas dance and dinner at Affirmation. That should be fun. I’ll be in
California.
13 December 1989 Wednesday
I
made plans to have a substitute tomorrow since I am so worn down from the play rehearsals
and the kids being so wild as Christmas approaches. Brandon’s mother came in
this morning all hot under the collar because of the F I gave him at mid-term.
She said, ”I don’t understand how he can go from being an A student to failing.
I am taking him out of your class.” So when I left school I took all of Brandon’s
grades home to figure them out for a confrontation on Friday. Oh Well. Mike
Pipkin went to the beer bust at Radio City tonight and I went up to OSH to
cruise but nothing was going on. When I
got home Jeff Wood had called and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the show
with him. It was late but since I knew I wasn’t going to work tomorrow, we went
to the ten o’clock showing of Steel Magnolias. I loved it and laughed and
cried. Jeff liked it too. I just held him in the theater because we were basically
alone. It was after midnight by the time I got home and Mike had just gotten
home himself so I stayed until one talking about life in general. I hope it
works out between Mike and me. As long as he keeps working I think it will.
14
December 1989 Thursday
I was up at six to call work and tell them I wasn’t coming
in and that they needed a sub for me. It’s the first time I’ve called in sick
this year and I needed the break. Jim Rieger’s friend Kent is up from
California to help Jim move out this weekend. I’m not certain what his last day
is. I went and had my beard timed and hair cut and then went to the grocery
store. I really didn’t do a whole lot. I had a phone call from the phone
company this morning saying that if I didn’t pay my phone bill from last July
that my bill would be turned over to collections. I really thought I had paid
that bill and the strangest part is that they said that they had sent several
statements to my P.P Box which is weird because while they had the correct address,
I have never received a single notice.
It was only $40 and I didn’t mind paying it off, which I did right away, but I
do think it’s kind of strange. Willie Marshall picked Mike and me up about
seven to take us to the Metropolitan Community Church’s spaghetti dinner. I
didn’t eat the spaghetti but I did donate $3 anyway. Chuck Whyte wanted me to
sign off the signature card for the bank account of the Gay and Lesbian
Community Council which I did. He also told me that I had accidently tape recorded
the whole election from last Thursday and he heard all the mean things that
Donald Steward said about him. He was rather upset. Lennie Fisher was at the
dinner. It was fun seeing him again. He was the first person I really got to
know in the Gay Community before I was even a part of it. It was a nice evening
and we were home by nine. Beck Moss was over at the apartment to see Jim Rieger before he leaves to move
back to California. They were visiting and I was sitting in the front room,
when Jim started in on the Stonewall Center Committee again. I had had it with
his negativity and I lambasted him and we got into a shouting match. He accused
me of not supporting him in the community and I said you don’t even know how
often I defended you against criticism in this community. Anyway rather than
fight anymore I went to bed.
15 December 1989 Friday
I told Brandon’s mother today that the reason he doesn’t do
well in my class is because he only turns in about half his work and that I
wanted her to monitor his daily assignments. I threw the responsibility back on
her. Mr. Stanger said he thought I handled the whole thing excellently. Oh
well. At home Mike Pipkin said that he was invited to a party out in Riverton
and asked if I wanted to go. I thought “why not meet new people” so we went out
with Willie Marshall and his boyfriend Lars. I brought a bottle of rum that
Steve Barker gave me from his trip to Haiti. I was getting drunk on rum and
coca cola. Since I didn’t know any of the people there I just decided to be my
old gregarious self. However when Willie
and Lars left at ten, I left with them rather than stay at the party with Mike.
I was not sure how I’d get home. It was probably just as well I went home and
it felt good to be safe and snug in my own bed and in from being out in the
cold.
16 December 1989 Saturday
16 December 1989 Saturday
I am so glad I went home last night because the weather
turned nasty and it snowed really heavily. Jim Rieger moved out today. He was
just going to leave his bed but I paid him $75 for it. I didn’t want to take an
underhanded advantage of him. I may not agree with Jim on most things but I’d never
want to cheat him. I went over to the post office and found a letter from Mark
Lamar with my minister’s license from the Church of Unconditional Alliance and
Support for Gays and Lesbians in it. How fun! I also had a Christmas card from
Terry Johnson. That melted my heart and
I began to miss him all over again. So I called Terry today and we are getting
together on Monday. He’s not well
either. He said he has a disease which is causing his muscles to deteriorate. Jim Rieger just barely left for good when the
meeting for the Political Coalition and Caucus began at four. I barely had time
to straighten up and of course Jim left in a whirlwind, not cleaning or
anything. He just took his stuff and left. I baked an Apple Brown Betty with
red hots cinnamon candy in it for Curtis Jensen’s birthday party before the
Political Meeting began. A man named Doug Wortham, John Martin, Rocky O’Donovan,
Willie Marshall, Bob Waldrop, David Nelson, his friend Andy Dalrymple, Liza
Smart, Luci Malin, Rhonda Nielsen, Brenda Voisard, Mike Pipkin and his friend
Russ, Steve Oldroyd, David Kessler, and more who I can’t remember right now
were at the meeting. We discussed our various Agendas and what we hoped would
be a purpose and why we each came to the meeting and hoped to get out of it. It
was a very good introductory meeting. Curtis Jensen had to leave early for his
own party because the meeting lasted until six. We agreed to each bring our
agendas when we meet again next January the 6th at four again in my Apartment. I love the dialog we
had and think that we got off to a good start. Bob Waldrop suggested we form a “Gays
for Dan Marriott” club because he is so conservative and it would piss him off.
Any way Mike’s friend Russ, Mike and I went to Curtis’ party. Russ‘s a sweet
man. He has “ARC” and is kind of thin but good looking. Curtis hugged me when
we arrived and said to me we don’t see each other enough. Curtis is 23 years
old now. I knew him since he was 19. A lot of growing up in those four years.
Me too. I brought a bottle of wine and my brown betty to the party and proceeded
to get drunk. There were lots of young pretty boys at the party saying “oh
gross” at everything and chain smoking cigarettes. Gag me. Anyway I decided if
I can’t date any of them I can at least intimidate them which I proceeded to
do. That was a lot of fun. I ignored Becky Moorman and snubbed Rocky O’Donovan
at the party as they are on my shit list. Chris Brown called form New York City
to wish Curtis a happy birthday. Chris said that he heard that Dolly Parton is
dating this woman and contributes to the Lambda Defense fund as a confirmed
Lesbian. Interesting side note. Anyway
Mike, Russ, and I left about midnight and Russ and I slept together. Nothing
unsafe; just a lot of kissing and masturbating. It felt good to be sleeping
again with someone curled up in my arms. Laying with him, I wished that I had
healing hands to take away this disease from Russ but since I don’t I will just
love him as another human being and be grateful for the time we had together. Change
and decay in all the world I see Oh Thou who changest not abide with me.
17 December 1989 Sunday
Willie Marshal came by and took Mike Pipkin, Russ and I to the
Metropolitan Community Church. I really don’t get much out of MCC services
anymore. It is way too highfaluting, too much pomp and circumstance, for my taste
but I enjoy seeing people from the community there. The meeting must be having
about seventy five people or more attending now but it’s way too long, two
hours and I am use to the Quakers 45 minutes meetings. Anyway Russ, and Mike went
out for brunch while I stayed home. Mike’s done such a nice job rearranging the
furniture and fixing the place up.. I have been eating a lot of corn bread and
beans lately. I’m so old fashion that way. I tried to take a nap but Jim Rieger’s young friend
Alan came over. He didn’t know that Jim had moved. I visited a little with him
because I think he was lonesome. There’s so much less tension here now with Jim
Rieger gone. After Alan left Jeff Wood came over about five and wanted me to go
to the movies with him but I said I had to go do a radio program for Concerning
Gays and Lesbians instead. He was in a funny mood giving off a horny vine so I
gave him a body massage and after Mike, Russ, and Brandon Burt left to go to
Radio City I ate Jeff out. Royally. He loved
it. Anyway, Jeff left happier than when he came and then Becky Moss came and
picked me up at seven thirty. We were at KRCL’s station until nine. We let Jim
Rieger’s Xmas show stand without any
alterations. We did an end of the year program so we don’t have to return on
Xmas Eve. I couldn’t anyway because I’ll be in California. After the taping we
went up to Federal Heights to pick up a book that we’re reviewing so we can do
a program with its author. I was home about ten fifteen and I went to bed as soon as I could. It was
a strange weekend and Mike is sleeping in the small bedroom now.
18 December 1989 Monday
This
is going to be the week from hell. Tonight I went over to see Terry Johnson.
Tomorrow I’m leading the Unconditional Support meeting. Wednesday I’m writing
up the minutes for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council. Thursday evening will
be the Xmas play for parents and Friday I’ll be on my way to California. This
is almost a deed week at school because the kids are too wired and are
completely unteachable, just like when school gets out in the summer. When I
got off work I walked to Albertson’s on 2nd and 4th and
bought a carton of Marlboro soft pack at $15 for a Christmas gift for Terry. I
also gave him a card with $20 in it. I took the 3rd East bus out to
1400 South to his place. It was so cold. Terry said he wasn’t feeling well and
that he had had a seizure yesterday. I asked him if he thought about being
tested for AIDS. He’s been so sick since I have known him. I wonder. Anyway he
had his brother’s car because his truck was reprocessed. He took me back home
so I didn’t have to take the bus. There we visited and held each other. Terry
is a part of a circle of people I do love. It was almost eleven before I was
able to get to bed
19
December 1989 Tuesday-
Today is Mike Pipkin's 29th birthday. School went by fairly fast with the Sixth
Grade’s Christmas Pageant in the afternoon. I was upset that Mrs. Fisher would
put on a full blown nativity Christmas play with shepherds, angels, the whole
works. The only redeeming feature was they used the word minister instead of
Bishop. Otherwise I would have considered a law suit. This a public school, not
Sunday School, or even a parochial school. Oh Well. After school I came home
and took a nap before getting ready for Unconditional support. Robert wanted me
to lead the meeting tonight because he was exhausted. I did it on Gay morality
and ethics. It was a small turn out. Lennie Fisher and Doug Winkler were new
faces at the meeting. I ended the meeting about eight forty five and walked
home with Lennie. Mike was taken out to dinner by Allan; one of his many beaus.
We talked a little before Lennie left and I went to bed around ten. I got an
Xmas card from John Reeves and from my sister Charline Wachs today. John said
he found a good support group in Boston. A week from now Xmas will be over and
I’ll be on my way back home to Utah from California, Ho Ho Ho. I wonder what
Billy Bikowski is doing this year? I don’t
know if I still love him anymore or it’s just a bad habit. The Cold War is
ending and peace is about to break out unless Bush and his CIA cronies so
something stupid. He was taken out to dinner by one of his beaus.
20
December 1989 Wednesday
President Bush did something stupid. He invaded Panama in
violation of international treaties and the War Power Act. I can’t believe it.
American troops are in Panama and are being killed for what? So that Bush won’t
look like a wimp? I can’t believe we are in Panama. On Monday Panama declared a
state of war existed between them and us because of our involvement in last
October’s attempt to overthrow Noriega. The CIA put him in power in the seventy’s
and now they want him out.Busy day at school with a dress rehearsal for the
fifth grade Christmas Play. Tomorrow is the big day. Kevin McCloskey said he wouldn’t
be able to make it to California so I guess it will be bus city for me. I know it’s
way too late to take a plane. At home tonight I spent a quiet evening trying to
get my bedroom put together after moving everything into the large room that
Jim Rieger vacated.
21
December 1989 Thursday-
The Winter solstice began today. At school we had two performances
for the lower grades and the upper grades and evening performance for the
parents. So the entire day was pretty well spent around the play. The kids
really came through when they needed to and while it was hectic I was really
proud of the stinkers. I went home at three to get away and to get something to
eat before then taking a five thirty bus back to Orchard. The evening
performance of the Little Red School House in front of all the parents was our
tour de force. The play went on without a hitch. The kids were excited, the
parents beaming, and Mr. Stanger very pleased with our efforts. Mrs. Day’s
husband gave me a ride back into Salt Lake City so I didn’t have to wait out in
the cold to catch a bus. Downtown the bustling crowds were everywhere and the
twinkling lights were so Faerie like. Anyway
I drew some money out of the bank and went to Albertson’s to buy some cookies
for tomorrow’s “cast party” for the kids. I finally was home about nine. It was
a long, tiresome, but exciting day. I am so glad the plays are finally over. I
talked to Michael Pipkin some today because he was kind of bummed out. He
thinks he has scabies and may have infected Brandon Burt and Alan. He’s rearranged
the apartment again and its really cute. I went to bed by nine thirty
exhausted.
22
December 1989 Friday-
First full day of Winter. The kids were so wired today. We
just had the fifth grade all come into my room and watched the Incredible
Journey which I had just finished reading to my class. That took most of the
morning and after that I had my class clean the room and take down all the
Christmas decorations to take home and worked on some holiday puzzles. After
lunch we had a small party with sprite and cookies. Finally school was out at
one twenty. I left school at one forty five and was so exhausted when I got
home. So I took a nap at two and slept until Bobbie Smith came over at three.
He brought me some Christmas presents; the sweet thing. One was a bunch of
Uncle Scrooge comics! I loved it. That really made me happy. Anyway I went down
town with him and went to Valley Bank to pull out some money for the trip to
California. There the fuckers wouldn’t let me because they said I had to have
two signatures to withdraw money from the Delta Account. I explained that I had
set up the account where I was the principle signer and if anyone else signed
they had to have two signatures. Well it never got put on the card that way and
with the account being transferred to a new branch the bottom line was that I couldn’t
access my money. I was so furious that I wanted to cry but then decided well
maybe I’m not supposed to go home for Christmas. I am really tired but I am
still mad at Valley Bank and I am going to take out all my funds as soon as I
can. I wanted to cry coming home and I don’t know if it was from being
frustrated at Valley Bank or disappointed over not going home. When Mike Pipkin came home from work I told him I wasn’t going home and it’s probably fate. So I
gave him a one pound box of See’s Candies and he just devoured it. Then Bobbie
Smith came over later and offered me two hundred dollars so I could go home. I
just hugged him and thanked him. That really touched my heart but I told him I
am resigned to not be going home for the holidays. There must be a reason for
it. So I talked to Mike this evening about conditions regarding living with me
if he planned on staying here. I said he must take out the trash everyday and
be responsible for cleaning the bathroom every Saturday. I’m going to only
charge him $100 but he must pay half the phone bill and the utilities. He
agreed but he later got wasted smoking pot with his friend Russ. Later tonight
I read Russ’s medicine cards. His main totem was a Dolphin, representing Kindness and playful energy Interesting. In the news wqe are still fighting
in Panama and they are unable to capture Noriega.
23
December 1989 Saturday
I got up early around seven to do the dishes and clean up a
little. Michael Pipkin got up about eight and started getting high right away
with beer and pot. I told him that I was glad he’s here so that I can see what
I’d be like if I was practicing my disease. He was too high to get my sardonic
remark. About eleven I walked over to the post office and then over to Bobbie
Smith’s place on Delmar Court by the Greek Orthodox Church. I wanted to use his phone to call home and let
them know I wasn’t coming. Mom sounded so disappointed that I began to cry and
regretted my decision. So I called her back and said I’d be on the ten fifteen
bus tonight. Once I was resolved to go, I borrowed fifty dollars from Bobbie
and had to go back home to make the arrangements. However first this morning at
eleven I was in a protest march at the Federal Building to protest the invasion
of Panama. I was interviewed by a woman
from Channel 2 News who remembered me from Gay Pride Day. I didn’t get to see it on the ten o’clock
news. Back at my place I did some wash and tried to pack. Mike went with
Brandon Burt to Quickbeam a pagan Winter Solstice Ritual. I would have liked to
have gone but had so much to do. I carried my shoulder bag and walked down to
the bus terminal on South Temple where I bought a round trip ticket for $122. no
one was there to see me off in the crowded station. It was a mess down there.
My bus left at ten thirty.
24 December 1989 Sunday
Around three in the morning we arrived in Beaver, Utah.
There I was so surprised to see Jeff Sewell at the bus stop where people were
allowed a bathroom break. He was coming up from
Arizona and I was going down to California. That was kind of neat and
surprising. Ships that pass in the night. My butt is sore from sitting cramped
up in my seat as the bus was crowded. Fortunately in Cedar City around four I
was able to stretch out across the seat when several people got off the bus. I
was never able to really sleep but did get to cat-nap some. The bus made more
stops in St. George and Mesquite before arriving in Las Vegas at seven this
morning. I was so travel weary and in Las Vegas we changed drivers and he was a
real prick. At noon Utah time, the bus pulled into Victorville and I saw mom
and dad waiting at the terminal but the Bus Driver wouldn’t stop and was
getting ready to pull back onto the freeway. I said “Aren't you going to stop?”
and he snarled at me “I don’t have anyone getting off at Victorville and I said
“I’m getting off at Victorville! I bought a ticket to Victorville.” Well
instead of going back to the station he made me get off about a half mile from
the terminal and I had to walk back carrying my luggage. I was so mad. I lodged
a complaint against him once I was back at the station. Even the station master
said the bus driver should have taken me back but also said it was the ticket
master in SLC’s fault for the guy who issued me my ticket wrote out my ticket
for San Bernardino and had told me just to get off in Victorville. Anyway all’s
well that ends well and I was able to connect up with Mom and Dad who had left
but came back to get me. What a trip! I am so tired. Mom’s new house is
beautiful but it still feels strange, however. It’s not Dale Street for sure.
Anyway Mom and I had a nice visit about me being Gay. She said coming to Salt
Lake this summer had really helped her get over it and she said my being Gay doesn’t
bother her anymore. I was taking a shower when my uncle and aunt J.W. and Pauline
Johnson arrived from Texas. It was really good to see them. My cousin Kay is
still living at Shallow Water and my cousin John is farming a thousand acres in
Fieldton. His son Christopher Johnson is in the air force or just getting out.
It was a shock seeing my niece and nephew Denise Wachs and Michael Wachs as
they are so tall and good looking. Denise is eighteen and engaged. She’s just
gotten back from a trip she had won to Jamaica. Anyway only my nephew James was
not up for Christmas Eve so I guess he is spending it with his friends. We had
a nice Christmas meal including Grandpa Williams’ chili although I just ate
beans and cornbread. All said and done it was nice to be home with my folks. I
called John Cunningham but he wasn’t home. I also called Terry Johnson and he
sounded wonderful and really upbeat. I guess the medicine he is taking is
working. He went and was tested for HIV last Thursday and I think I will also
when I get back to Salt Lake.
25 December 1989 Monday Christmas Day
Today was a very nice Christmas spent with my family. I
slept in until seven thirty and then got up feeling more rested. When my sister
Charline and her kids Denise and Michael came this morning, I fixed them a
breakfast of biscuits and milk gravy which is wat Denise wanted. We just visited
most of the day catching up with our lives when Milton and Marie came around
two thirty just in time for Christmas Dinner.
We had more food then we had good sense. I called John Cunningham again
and got through this time. It was so good to hear his voice again. He said he had
dislocated his shoulder and may have to give up his fireman job. He also said
he wanted to move from California. I asked him to come stay with m for a while
to see if he liked Utah. He said he might but I really doubt it. Wouldn’t that
be a trip after these 20 years? Anyway after having a big old Williams dinner
we just had a nice time spending the afternoon reminiscing about family
occasions. I know Milton and Marie were glad to see me. The weather was super.
26 December 1989 Tuesday
I was up early about six thirty California time and watched some of the news. Noriega is hiding out in the Vatican Embassy in Panama City and the Romanian dictator and his wife were executed yesterday. What a strange and different world we are living in. I fixed J.W. ad Pauline and Mom and Dad a big breakfast this morning. Milton and Marie didn't get back over here until eleven this morning. That's when my sister Donna showed up with her boys Kenny Jones and Kevin. Jones. Kenny is fourteen and taller than I am. Kevin is a nice looking kid too. He's in fourth grade. They are still pretty quiet and reserve around me but then they really don't know me. I really didn't have much to say to Donna. Maybe one of these days it will be different. Milton and Marie are completely accepting of me being Gay as I think Mom and Dad are, Marie told me that Charline knows I am Gay and if she knows then Donna does too. Rally didn't do much today except overeat. I'm glad I am going home tomorrow so I can give my stomach a rest. Its been pleasant here in California but it feels strange that I'm not on Dale Street or in Orange County even. I thought about John Cunningham a lot today... my first real love and heart break.
27 December 1989 Wednesday
Time really went fast today. Mom took me down to the Mervyn
department store to exchange my sweaters that were too large and we then went
out to lunch at some Mexican Restaurant. It was really good. I’ve had a nice
time with my folks but it will be great to get back to my life in Utah and stop
all this binge eating. I’m glad I came home even if I feel like I am catching a
cold. It’s good to rebuild family ties. I am more than ever convinced that
Albuquerque will be the place for me. Salt Lake is too much of a detour for my
family to come visit while Albuquerque is between California and Texas. Anyway,
I just visited until it was time for my folks to take me down to the bus depot.
I hugged everyone goodbye and had them leave me there rather than sit around
with me waiting to board the bus. The Greyhound
finally came around five California time and the rest of the evening was spent
sitting on the bus traveling back to Utah.
28 December 1989 Thursday
The bus arrived in Salt Lake City near seven in the morning
Utah Time. It was so cold, foggy, and nasty out. I thought I’d freeze to death
before walking the five blocks home to A Street. Mike got out of bed when I
came home and we visited a little but mostly I just wanted to fall into my own
bed. You can’t sleep on a bus and I know I have a cold. In the afternoon, I
went over to the offices at the Covey and signed a lease until the first of
June so that’s taken care of. I then went to the phone company to have a phone
installed in my apartment. They said they’d turn service on this Saturday. I
called Terry Johnson from the payphone to tell him that I was home and he said
he’d come by tonight but he didn’t. Oh well. Not the first time he’s
disappointed me. I just stayed home this evening and watched TV. There was
nothing special on. My cold has settled in my chest. Ugh. I don’t feel
horrible, just miserable. Actually I am
glad that Terry didn’t come over.
29 December 1989 Friday
I cleaned the place this morning before going up to the U of
U to sit in the sauna. I stayed there over two hours trying to sweat out this
cold. I was way too tired to do much today. About five thirty Terry Johnson
came over and said he was sorry about not coming over last night but right
after talking to me he got a phone call to come into work. He’s working tonight
also but said he would come over tomorrow to spend the night. I just stayed home and watch TV and the news.
I am so glad the 1980’s are almost over. I don’t have any plans for New Year’s
Eve. Terry said he’s coming over but I wont hold my breath. I’d kind of like to
go to Backstreet out of tradition. I wonder how Billy Bikowski is doing? I don’t
know why I should still care. May be its just this time of year we get
nostalgic. Who knows? In the news U.S. Troops are still in Panama and Noriega
is still in the Vatican Embassy.
30 December 1989 Saturday
I rose early and then scrubbed the kitchen. When Mike Pipkin got up he cleaned the bathroom so he is keeping up with his part of the arrangement. Only time I went out tioday was to walk over to the Post Office. My pay check was in and a package from John Reeves. He sent me a "White Trash" cookbook. Mom collects cook books so I will send it on to her. for I couldn't really use it as It's mostly cooking with meat. However it was sweet to have sent it. Dave Malmstrom came over yesterday to sign a check so I can finally close out the Stonewall account. I think I will send $166 to Mark Lamar that he needs to cover the cost of his sitting up his church, but I need to get a little more control and get him to stop making financial obligations without my approval if he wants my involvement. Anyway the phone was never turned on today and Terry never came over either to spend the night. I'm sure he'll come up with some lame excuse this time too. Well it's soon to be a new year and a new decade. It is time to cut loose people who are draining my energies. Time to stop my co-dependency and being a care taker, I've been off sugar now for a day. I want to become sugar abstinent completely this coming year. It was windy out today but it blew all the shit out of the air. Goodnight.
31 December 1989 Sunday
A closure, not just to a year but to an entire decade. Time
cleanses all wounds so philosophers say. I’m sitting here in my front room alone,
listening to Nancy Griffith’s “there’s a light beyond these walls, Margaret”
and I am feeling a little melancholy. Mike Pipkin has had Brandon Burt over
here all day so in the afternoon I went out to the movies and saw “War of the
Roses” which I really enjoyed. Anyway I felt blah for most of the day and rather
isolated from people. The phone wasn’t turned on yesterday like it was suppose
to have been so I don’t know if anyone has been trying to get a hold of me or
not. So ends the year. I have the sniffles and I’m not planning on going out.
Backstreet will just have to carry on without me. What are my feelings? I am feeling too much.
I want to cry but sure why. Maybe because I need someone to hold me and say it’s
going to be fine. Why isn’t Terry Johnson here to hold me? That’s all I needed
from him. Maybe that was too much for him. I kind of would like to go to
Affirmation but why I am not sure. It’s Duane Dawson’s Affirmation now and a
strange to me. Just as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Steve
Barker and his nephew Spencer Barker came over like a whirlwind and had me sign
up for three thousand free bonus frequent flyer hours. What a trip they are. I
have no idea what that was all about but it seemed to have made them happy.
They told me that Walt Larabee is hosting a New Year’s Eve Party for
Affirmation and that Bobbie Smith is sick with probably the same cold I have. I
wish I had a phone to call some people and wish them happy New Years but Oh
Well. What is, is. God will keep them
safe in her loving hands. No wonder I’m so melancholy I just remembered that
thirteen years ago tonight I had asked Fran to marry me. What a strange journey
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