1
October 1989 Sunday
I finished cleaning the apartment this morning and took my
allergy medicine which wiped me out for most of the day. I didn’t make it to my
Quaker Meeting nor to anything else except to Memory Grove where I read Gray
Magic for most of the afternoon. Its a book that Bobbie Smith gave to
me. I stayed there in the bright autumn
sunshine beneath a shady elm and listened to the musical City Creek charm me. I
was surrounded by a Kaleidoscope of reds, yellows, oranges and soft
greens. It felt good to be alone and I
fell asleep several times in the warm sunshine. I didn’t want to go KRCL tonight because I was
so wasted from the cold medicine but I did anyway. I wasn’t very animated at all. I was home by nine thank goodness and
then I went straight to bed. I am really missing Terry Johnson. I haven’t heard
from him since Friday.
2
October 1989 Monday
School is still very draining of my energies. One of my
girls brought her big white Labrador to school who caused quite a commotion
especially when he peed down an aisle of desks during the middle of the
spelling test. Oh Well. I just took the kids outside for PE because after that
I couldn’t get them to settled down. After school I paid my debt to society of
$125 for being busted last summer up at the University of Utah. I also paid
Rent today which was $369. I stayed home all evening and watched ALF, Murphy
Brown, the Famous Teddy Z and Designing Women before going to bed. Terry
Johnson called me from Laramie, Wyoming. He said he was on his way home. He
said his mother was doing better as that her tumor has shrunk down to the size
of a match head so Terry is feeling so much better about his mother chances. He
should be home tonight he said. I miss him a lot. I can’t believe its October
already. Time is just zipping along. The weather has been fine so far but it
supposed to cool off this week. There was an article in the paper about this
seven year old Russian boy who’s in the Mayo Clinic because of a pituitary
glandular problem. He’s already over six feet tall. He looked so sweet that I
just started crying for him and I prayed that God watch out for him. Tomorrow I’m
going to have my students write a get well card to him in care of the Mayo
Clinic.
3
October 1989 Tuesday
I wonder if I’m in the right profession. Perhaps in the
right profession but in the wrong state. I have thirty five kids in one class.
I am just worn out all the time and falling behind. I wanted to get midterm
grades out this last week but didn’t have the energy. Fussing with Phillip Roat
who stormed out of my classroom. I did have my class write get well cards to
Igor Landau, the boy who is seven years old and six feet tall. The weather sure turned cooler. Very fall
like. When I got home from school I heard a message form Terry Johnson on my
answering machine. His brother David and he had car troubles in Rock Springs,
Wyoming so I might not get to see him until tomorrow. I stayed in this evening
and watched a little TV and went to bed by eight thirty. I guess I am burrowing
in for the coming winter like an old stoat.
4
October 1989 Wednesday
I spoke to Phillip Roat’s father this morning. I certainly
hope that’s all worked out. It seemed like such a long day. After school I was
so exhausted that when I came home I borrowed Jim Rieger’s car and deposited a check from
Career Ladder Day unto my Savings. I now have $925 in Valley Bank and $234 in
checking in my Key Bank account. I am not sure what’s in Guardian Bank. Afterwards I didn’t go out for the rest of the
evening. I haven’t really been feeling well anyway. Too much stress at school.
My uncle R.L. Williams called today. He’s in Utah staying with his cousin J R
Peacock and his wife Mary.
5
October 1989 Thursday
If I didn’t have to go the Community Council meeting tonight
I wouldn’t have. I am really beat. School is so much more exhausting with these
extra large classes. I have been doing mid-terms progress reports this week so
my evenings are just taken up going through my grade book. Terry Johnson
finally called me when I got home from work. He said he had to spend a couple
of days in Rock Springs while the car was being fixed. I’m glad he’s home. He
told me about a truck he wanted to buy but his insurance money hasn’t come in
yet. He needed $279 for the down payment and everything. He said it was a good
deal and was depressed that he couldn’t get it, because he’s stuck without
wheels and without a place to live he’s up against it. It wasn’t an easy
decision for me but I decided to loan him the money. It really gives me mixed
feelings doing so. I don’t want to be a fool again like I was with Billy
Bikowski but I want to help him out also. I know last September in 1988, I was
really bad off financially and Dave Malmstrom loaned me $200 until I could get
my first paycheck from teaching. I must send the karma back out again. Now it’s
up to Terry to make sure it stays good karma. I told Terry to meet me at four
thirty tomorrow and I’d get him the money. Jim Hunsaker gave me a ride down to
the council meeting. Liza Smart, Dale Sorenson, and Jim have been contacted by
Jim Rieger to do an interview about the Stonewall Center Project which is the
name we’ve chosen for the center from my suggestion. However, later Jim said he
was angry with Jim for talking behind their backs and criticizing the survey
that was given at Pride Day about what the community wanted to see in a center.
Jim Hunsaker was so upset that that he refused to do an interview with Jim
Rieger. However he said that he’d love to do one for Becky or myself. Anyway
Rocky O’Donovan wants me to attend the Quaker Meeting this Sunday for a
business meeting because Robin is introducing a minute for the Quakers to celebrate
Gay marriages. He wants me to give my input. The council meeting was small and
dry mostly. I did introduced and passed two motions that all future meetings be
taped recorded for security reasons and that the by-laws be altered so that
elections for officers take place in December with them assuming office in January.
Jon Schild opposed me. He’s an odd one. He goes to all the functions I create,
came to me for support when he was arrested in Davis County, and yet he never
supports me in any motion I make in the council. Strange, I made my views of
separatism known at the meeting too. I don’t care. It’s still just another word
for sexist and segregation. Bruce Harmon and Julie Pollack were elected chairs
for 1990 Gay Pride Day. Bruce can be so arbitrary and conservative in his
views. I hope he will listen to others. Dale Sorenson took Bobbie Smith and
myself home after the meeting. Bruce Barton said he still wants a copy of my
speech that I gave at Gay Pride Day.
6
October 1989 Friday-
Its Friday Thank God! I’m making a haunted house bulletin
board for my classroom so I took most of the materials I needed home with me to
work on it over the weekend. I’ve been kind of nauseous for the past couple of
days. There must be a virus in my intestines. I feel bloated and gassy and I
don’t want to be too far from a toilet. I’ve been taking slim fast each morning
this past week. I wonder if that is upsetting my system and clearing me out.
Anyway as soon as I got home, Terry and David Johnson were waiting for me. I pulled
out $50 from Guardian Bank and $200 out of Key Bank to give to Terry. I think I
have about $15 in each account now. Oh well. This means a lot to Terry. We went
to Vountiful and Terry bought this GMC pick up short bed for $158 a month for
two years. Anyway I was glad to help Terry and I told him he could pay me back
$100 a month if that would help him out. Terry’s been good to me. He tells me
he loves me and makes me feel sexy. I don’t know what the future hold. Who
does? But I’m not a fool to be helping out a friend. Terry spent the evening
with me and we had a pizza and watched TV until the Nerd Pack came over. Terry went to bed about nine thirty so I went
in with him and we made love. Then I let him sleep in my twin bed while I went
back to the front room and worked on my haunted house until two in the morning.
I slept then on the couch.
7
October 1989 Saturday
Terry Johnson was up by six thirty so I got up to be with
him until he left. He had things to do today and he wanted to go see his kids.
I had to stay home and clean up this sty of a place and do some wash. I know
now I’ll never get any help from Jim Rieger. But first I went back to bed.
After getting back up, I picked up the front room, vacuumed, waxed the furniture,
did up the dishes, put a load of wash on, and cleaned my bedroom. I also finished working on my haunted house.
I didn’t hear from Terry today. I was a little concerned but figured he just
got tied up working on his truck. I didn’t go out of the apartment at all
today. I never even left the place except to do a load of wash outside my back
door beneath the stairs. Anyway Jim’s nerdniks came over while I was watching
Sunset Boulevard. I wanted to tell them to shut up because they were so loud I
could even hear the TV but since it might lead to more confrontation I just
went to bed early and left the place to them and went to bed early. The kid
Doug is not bad. He’s quiet and just watches TV but I can’t get Chris to shut
up and he’s loud. These kids are in high school and I don’t see why Jim hangs
out with them. They aren’t even Gay. In the news Bette Davis died Friday night.
Goodbye Now Voyager. Hungary has voted out the Communist Party. Now both Poland
and Hungary’s government is not controlled by the Communists.
8
October 1989 Sunday-
Terry Johnson called me this morning and said he had to go
out to Wendover yesterday because his brother David’s car broke down. He said
he’d call me when I get back from the Quaker Meeting. I told Rocky O'Donavan that
I would go to the business meeting to help support the Same Sex marriage minute. I
walked to the Meeting House and was there about eleven thirty and the meeting
lasted until three. They didn’t discuss marriage until the very last. While listening to people's positions at the
meeting, at first I felt good about the motion to give people more time to
educate themselves about the whole marriage concept and then set a date for a
threshing meeting before formal discussion could commence. However it did seem to me that many people there
were more concern about protecting Quaker process than standing up against the
injustice of heterosexual privilege.
Several homophobic attitudes surfaced and at one point this one jerk
said something that actually made Rocky cry.
I thought to myself, " this
is our fucking lives you are playing around with, not some abstractual concept.
We are your "Gay"
Friends." After the meeting I
came home so upset, so fucking edgy, nervous, and anxious. I went on an eating binge but I stopped after
recognizing what I was doing. Terry said he was coming over but never did. At six
thirty I finally went for a walk to get out of the house. As I walked over to the post office, the more
I walked the angrier I got over what transpired at the meeting today. By the time I reached Robert Smith’s place, I
was resigned to withdraw from the Quakers.
Not one person in the meeting took our part. It was the faggots having
to do all the heavy lifting again. When
will I learn to never trust non Gay people to support Gay Rights? Walking back
to A Street I was also upset that Terry stood me up again and over the
battering we took at the Quaker Meeting. I was crying all the way home. I feel
betrayed and realized that it’s me and just the Lord again. I just don’t think
what I am seeking is out there. Is it? I went to bed by nine. I was so weary
but not before writing a letter of resignation to the Quakers.
·
Robert I. McQueen, former editor of the
Advocate died at home in Los Angeles of AIDS. Born in Price Utah, he graduated
from the U of U in 1967. In 1969 he earned a graduate degree in Journalism and
his first job was with the Salt Lake Trubune. In November 1975 David B.
Goodstein hired McQueen as editor. In 1984 McQueen was named editor-in-chief
until his retirement in July 1988. During his tenure as editor The Advocate
grew from a local Los Angeles paper to a magazine with international
distribution. A fervent support of Gay rights, McQueen was equally committed to
the belief that sex is something to be celebrated not something to be ashamed
of. He was survived by Rafael Llanes his lover. (Triangle Nov 1989)
9
October 1989 Monday
Back to school although it’s a federal holiday. The District gives us two days off for UEA
Conference instead. I stayed at work
until six thirty catching up with so much but I am caught up and it feels good.
When I came home Jim Rieger was there. He said that Rocky O’Donovan had called
so I called him back but it turned out that it was nothing important. Jim went
of to Lesbian and Gay Student Union and I stayed home and watched ALF. John Reeves called me and just
wanted to hear a friendly familiar voice I think. He’s tired from working so
hard as a night watch man. I’m tired too and am going to go to bed early. Terry
Johnson left a message on the answer machine but I have no way of contacting
him. I can’t be stood up by him again. I’ll break up with him over that. Billy Bikowski
killed that part of me to sit and wait. I just won’t wait and wait on the chance
he might call.
10
October 1989 Tuesday
Terry Johnson and I finally got together and we had a long
talk about our relationship and how we must compromise on some of our outlooks
on life. I don’t feel comfortable being around large groups of heterosexuals
and Terry doesn’t feel comfortable around Gay folks which is unfortunate to not
feel at home around your own people. Anyway we agreed to attend Metropolitan
Community Church together and that will be our main link with the Gay
Community. I went to Unconditional Support tonight. There was a small turn out
of about ten people. It sure has dwindled since last year. Maybe it has served
its purpose. Bobbie Smith did a fun activity on meditation and envisioning our
unconscious mind. We were supposed to come to a symbol which would stand for
our future but I couldn’t see a thing. It was like I have no future here. Just
a past. It made me do some thinking about setting goals again. Terry Johnson
picked me from Unconditional Support and he spent the night with me and we made
love. I typed up my resignation letter to the Quakers withdrawing from the Salt
Lake City Friends.
11
October 1989 Wednesday
The fall weather is absolutely wonderful as it was in the
high seventies and low eighties. Terry Johnson had some awful news this
evening. His mother died in Denver today. He came over at nine and I held him
as he cried in my arms. He was not close to his mother at all as she had
abandoned him and his siblings when he
was young but still losing one’s mother is the hardest thing I can imagine next
to losing a child. He’s leaving for Denver tonight with David and other family
members. I gave him $10 so he wouldn’t be completely broke. It’s all I had. I
wonder if I should have gone with him but he didn’t ask. I have no money and
would have been at the mercy of others for transportation, shelter, and food so
I think it was wise for me to stay home. Mike Pipkin is back in town from Moab.
He’s supposedly going to be managing The Bistro on Main and Broadway downtown.
I hope things start working out for him finally. I don’t think he’s that great
of a cook, but thinks he’s a gourmet when he’s really just eclectic throwing
together a little bit of everything rather than going for taste. I started working on another paper and water
color haunted house to pass the time while Terry is away.
12
October 1989 Thursday –
It is Jim Hunsaker’s 26th birthday
and the beginning of the Utah Education Association four day break. As I don’t get
paid for attending I didn’t go this year. Mike Pipkin spent
most of the day with me as I worked snipping, pasting, and designing my haunted
house. It’s going to be cute with shutters that open to reveal spooky objects
in the windows. I needed to get out of the house at one point so Mike and I
walked to the Post Office and then over
to Robert Smith's to visit with him. We talked about our Sacred Faerie meeting coming
up this Saturday for the Full Moon. We
decided to do some cross dressing to explore the feminine side of our
natures. Leaving Bobbie's, Mike and I
went to ZIM's on State Street downtown to look at hobby supplies. We wanted to see if there was anything there that
we could make drums out of for our ritual.
It was nice walking around and being outside. Mike wants to move in with Bobbie Smith, but
I'm not so sure that Bobbie wants him as a roommate. In the evening Jim Rieger’s nerd friends came
over and I retreated to the dining room to work at the table, leaving the front
room to them. Why doesn’t Jim just come out to them?
Friday
the 13th October 1989
The stock market dropped one hundred points today. I spent much of the day working on my haunted
house and later at the Utah AIDS Foundation’s office on 9th and 4th
with Chuck Whyte and Jim Hunsaker where we worked on Community Council
business. Ben Barr donated a computer and printer to the council from an extra
one that had been donated to the Utah AIDS Foundation. It’s an old antiquated thing but very functional
and we are grateful to have it. I saw David Sharpton today also. Ben is so sick of David and wants him out of
the UAF’s building. I don’t know the full details of the riff but I knew it was
coming. I think it’s mostly due to personality conflicts, I think. David is
David; abrasive and a Southern fireeater and while getting things done, he doesn’t
care who gets offended. Ben Barr is more “low key”, efficient, more of a prime
mover than a hands on doer, has great public relations skills, knows how to
smooth troubled waters and I suppose being the brother of Roseanne Barr doesn’t
hurt either. I stayed home this evening just watching TV. Mike Pipkin went out
to see an old flame Phil Ketich but when he came home he was mildly
disappointed because he didn’t get the warm reception from Phil that he wanted.
I guess it’s over between them two. Mike said that Renn finally threw Billy
Bikowski out after getting into debt because of him. Poor old Billy.
14
October 1989 Saturday Full Moon –
I finished my haunted
house completely today and then hung out with Mike Pipkin a lot until I walked
over to Satu Servigna place on N Street to give her a copy of the community
council minutes but she wasn’t home. However before going over there, I wrote a
scathing letter to the editor about Joseph Dover’s homophobic article that was
printed in the Triangle. I also criticized Becky Moorman’s Lesbian separatist
views. I then went to the central library to return Blubber by Judy Blume which
as way over due. I’m reading Sideway Tales of Wayside School right now to my
kids and they love it. Anyway I saw Robert Austin from the UAF down at the
library who was returning books too. I couldn't get a hold of Rocky O'Donovan
for the gathering tonight so about six I walked over to Bobbie Smith’s for the
Sacred Faeries circle. Bobbie has chosen the faerie name of Gilliam Walkabout.
Mike Pipkin or Puck which is his Faerie name was already there and he and
Bobbie set up the altar. Rocky or “Kyle
Sky Bear” never showed up. We did some
cross dressing magic tonight. Mike and I
wanted to initiate Bobbie into being a Pillar but we wanted him to wear a dress
first. He had never done drag
before. I read in a book Bobbie had loaned
me that "more can be learned from
wearing a dress for a day then a suit for a lifetime." So true. Needed Bobbie to get in touch with
his female creative energy and to symbolize it by wearing a dress. I had brought with me a wig and makeup and
Fran's old jumper outfit that she was married in. Both Mike and I acted like attendants to
Gillian as he sat in a chair and we fussed about him doing his hair, making him
look pretty (pretty awful really) and we just laughed and had such fun. After we got him into heels, we said that the
real initiation was for him to go outside and walk down Delmar Court
15
October 1989 Sunday
Another lazy day and I didn’t hear from Terry Johnson until
five. I didn’t do anything over this four day UEA holiday. I couldn’t. I am
broke. When Terry came over at seven we
went for a drive up East Canyon before going over to his cousin Dorinda White’s
for dinner. After dinner, Terry came back over to my place and we made love. He
didn’t spend the night though because he had to go back over to Dorinda’s to
help her husband Todd out tomorrow. Mike
Pipkin said he had a long talk with Phil Katich and he said Phil is going back
into the closet. What a waste. There’s no strong support for people anymore.
What is there to come out to? Affirmation? That’s a laugh. Unconditional
Support? That too is fading away. Oh well. I did as much as I could. Chris
Brown called from New York City today. He said he’s homesick for Utah or the
friends he has here. I gave him John Reeves number and suggested that he call
him and so something together since they are both on the East Coast.
16
October 1989 Monday
I went back to work at Orchard and it didn’t feel like I had
any break at all. I am glad the kids
were gone by one twenty for early out. I worked on lesson plans for the rest of
the week and straightening up my room before catching the four o six bus. I normally
catch the three forty five bus just off of Center Street in front of the
school. Anyway I really didn’t do anything in the evening but watch TV. I am
too broke to go anywhere. Mike Pipkin is
working at the Bistro now but only a few hours a day. He said he will begin
working full time next week. I really don’t mind him being here. He’s kind of
company and sleeps on the couch. However I’d rather have my own space. I hardly
have enough food to feed myself and Mike goes through a lot of food. Well, not
a lot, but stuff I really don’t have to spare right now. I guess I am just kind
of depressed over Terry Johnson. He’s always sick. He’s been sick since I first
met him. First it was his kidney medicine, then a toothache, then high blood
pressure, then a tumor in the back of his head, and now he has metatarsal
tunnel syndrome and he’s going to be operated on for that. He said he’s going
to be off work until January. What is he living on then? And how is he going to
pay me back the money I lent him? Oh Well. I keep vacillating back and forth
and weighing and measuring my feelings for him. Do I love Terry enough? Am I
strong enough? Can I be there for him? Do I even have to?
17
October 1989 Tuesday –
While sitting on the couch, getting ready to watch King Kong with
Mike Pipkin, he got a phone call from his lawyer friend saying there had been a
major earthquake in San Francisco during the World Series play offs. We
immediately turned the station to the CNN news to find out what happened. At
the beginning of the 3rd game of the World Series which was being
held at Candlestick Park a seven point earthquake struck. The Bay Bridge
collapsed as well as a freeway in Oakland. The Fisherman’s Wharf was the
hardest hit with major fires burning. I was worried about Ken Francis and Steve
Brackenbury because they won’t confirm a death count yet. I just watched in horror, glued to the TV
although I did call John Reeves and Fran Williams. It was good to talk to Fran
again. It has been a while. I told her I was moving to New Mexico next year. I
talked to her a little about my relationship with Terry Johnson but mostly I
can’t get over the earthquake news.
18
October 1989 Wednesday
My problems, compared to the seven point earthquake in the
Bar Area of California, seem pretty trivial but they are real enough to me. I
went out to dinner with Terry Johnson and his kids this evening which I paid
for of course and while Terry was happy, I was not. Coming home from Magna. After
dropping his kids off, I came home alone and I tried to analyze why I am unhappy. I don’t
know if I can verbalize it but Terry takes me away from the thing I love most
and that is being a Gay activist. When I am with Terry I am not in my Gay
World. I don’t even know if this even makes sense but I feel like I’m being
pushed away from the things I’ve struggled so hard to be for these past three
years; that is to create a strong, positive Gay Identity and to fight for Gay
Rights. Terry and I don’t talk Gay issues. We don’t go to Gay places. We don’t associate
with Gay people. I’m starving again emotionally. I feel like I did when I was
married to Fran Williams and couldn’t be my authentic self but just going
through the motions of being alive without any real joy in it. I’m also tired
of being broke again. Terry, like Fran, has kept me broke financially. He has
kept me broke or nearly broke since I’ve started dating him and since he’s been
so ill he hasn’t worked so I haven’t seen a dime of the $350 I’ve loaned him. I
feel bad because I owe Mark Lamar $50 that I can’t afford to pay him right now,
and Mike Pipkin is staying here and draining off my energies. Plus Terry’s
negative attitudes is creating illnesses for himself that keeps me an emotional
wreck. Something’s got to give, Terry even wants his son to come live with us
when I don’t ever see Terry supporting himself and I just can’t afford to raise
his kids.
19
October 1989 Thursday
I don’t know about Mike Pipkin. He’s still unsettled except
I think he’s settling in here. I let him know today that he needs to find
another place to stay next week. Mike needs to get on with his life and he won’t
as long as he has me to fall back on. He needs to go to work, pay rent, buy his
own groceries and pull his own weight instead of smoking pot and binge drinking
for most of the day. That may sound callous but it’s true. Terry Johnson came
over after his surgery this morning. David Johnson drove him over here for me
to take care of him will he recuperates. We got into a major fight when he said
I was “too Gay.” I pissed him off by saying that I wanted him to come into my
world. He’s still has this homophobic attitude that something can be “too Gay.”
No one ever says anything is “too heterosexual”. I held my ground because I
know I am right but it may mean losing Terry too, but I’m not going back into
any kind of closet for Terry. I told him I will always be in some type of spotlight
because of my convictions and my activism but then Terry said I was just on a
power trip. That was like a slap in the face and it hurt and I retorted that
Gay Rights don’t mean anything to you because you don’t even want them. He left in a huff and had Dorinda White come
get him. We will talk on the phone later but I am still hurt and he’s still mad.
20
October 1989 Friday
Mike Pipkin was stood up by his lawyer friend tonight so he
was pretty depressed. I was pretty depressed also because I found out that I am
$44 in the hole at Guardian Bank. Fuck! Oh Well, I just stayed home this
evening and watched Friday Night TV. Tomorrow I am a speaker at a workshop at
the National Organization for Women Conference and I really haven’t written anything
yet. Oh Well. I can pull it off. Jim Rieger was out all evening and Mike went
out so I had the place to myself. That was nice for a change. I talked to Terry
Johnson tonight and we worked some more things out between us. He is staying
over at Dorinda White’s place however. That is better I think. He can smoke all he
wants there.
21
October 1989 Saturday –
I was up early about seven and started working on my talk
for the National Organization for Women Conference. Rocky O’Donovan and I were
chosen to speak on a panel at conference on the role of men in the feminist
movement and why Gay men should be more involved. In the morning I took a bus
down to the Salt Lake County Complex on 21st aand State where I
participated with Rocky, and two straight men, Mark Mensch and Chris Rohrer. We
discussed the role of men in the feminist movement. Rocky and I were chosen
because we are actively working to dismantle patriarchy. In the conference
brochure I was described as "a Gay
activist and community builder, he is the past director of Beyond Stonewall;
founder of Unconditional Support for Gays and Lesbians; a co-producer of
Concerning Gays and Lesbians, a weekly public affairs radio program on
KRCL". I spoke on the panel
until noon and then before going home I stopped in at Dorinda White’s off of 13th
South to see Terry Johnson. He was there alone because Todd and Dorinda White were
out cashing checks and Terry was left babysitting their baby Lacy. We put her
down for a nap and then we made love in the living room. I left Terry at two
and decided to go grocery shopping. I have no money so I decided to kite a
check and I’ll pull money out of savings on Monday to cover it. Mike Pipkin’s date called and apologized for
standing him up yesterday and they made another date for tonight. This guy has
money and I can’t but help think Mike is looking for a meal ticket. Oh Well.
Anyway I saw Frank Fatah at Smiths on 8th and 9th and we
visited for a while. He said that James Conrad had just barely crossed the Bay
Bridge and was on land when the earthquake struck. O Thank God. I know Ken
Francis and Steve Brackenbury are okay even though I haven’t heard from either
of them. Mark Lamar tried calling Ken but he had moved and his number isn’t
good anymore. I stayed home this evening and watched TV. It rained some this
evening to match my mood.
22
October 1989 Sunday-
It would have been my Grandpa Williams’ 87th
birthday and it is my niece, Denice Wach’s 18th birthday. I didn’t
do much today as I didn’t do to Church anywhere, I did fix potato salad for
lunch. I read in the Sunday Paper that part of my water retention and being overweight
probably has to do with the fact that I don’t drink enough water. I’m suppose
to drink twelve cups of water a day. That would drown me. Still I am trying to
drink more water. Anyway I talked to Terry Johnson a little this afternoon but
he never came by to see me. I went with my roommate Jim Rieger to KRCL to tape
two shows for Concerning Gays and Lesbians.
One was on Halloween and the other was just eclectic. However Jim and I
got in an argument on the air about being "too Gay." Where did I just hear this? Shit! He whined that "The trouble with being too Gay is that it kept me in the closet and it
keeps others in the closet too."
And I replied, "that's the
kind of self hatred that feeds internalized homophobia." What the hell does he want Gays to do? To
all wear suits and ties and act all macho so he can feel comfortable fucking
men? I'm really disgusted with him and
now have little respect for him as a Gay Leader. I think all Jim wants is to
use KRCL for access to its radio equipment for him to use for his own purposes.
23
October 1989 Monday
It’s pitch black out when I leave my apartment to walk down
First Avnue to the bus stop in front of the Mormon Temple. I saw my old friend
“Orion” and his dog “Sirius” up in the sky shining as bright as they can be.
Same old stuff at school, however met with some moms, after school was out, to
discuss the Pilgrim Fair that Mrs. Day wants to put on in November. At home I
ran around depositing $150 into Key Bank to cover the checks I wrote to cover Guardian
Bank’s over drafts. Perhaps it saved me a little time before the checks came
in. Terry Johnson called me this evening. He’s back staying with his old
boyfriend Larry because he got into a major fight with Dorinda White and moved
out. I think Terry has some real serious emotional problems that I am not sure
I want to deal with.
24
October 1989 Tuesday
After coming home from Orchard, I ate dinner, and then
waited for Terry Johnson to show up. He was supposed to have picked me up at
six thirty to take me to Unconditional Support. He never did. Oh Well. It was
just another disappointment. So I walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center on
4th East and it was a very small crowd. I hadn’t seen it that small
in over two years. Only about seven people were there. Oh Well. Circles. I kind
of knew it would dwindle without my drive but I really don’t care anymore. It
served its purpose more than adequately. Robert Smith and Steve Oldroyd walked
me home afterwards and we visited at my place for a while so I didn’t really
get to bed until after ten. Chuck Whyte and I are trying to talk Bobbie Smith
into running for an office in the community council. Unconditional Support may
drop off in January if no one comes forward to take over its leadership. Anyway
there was a message on the recorder from Terry Johnson saying he’s sorry about
not coming over and that he wasn’t feeling good. I’m really getting worn down
by his excuses. I don’t need the grief. Terry is a survivor. He’ll be just fine
with or without me.
25
October 1989 Wednesday
It rained most of the evening and I didn’t go out at all
after coming home from work. I just kept to myself. Terry Johnson never called.
The only call I had was from Beau Chaine. He wanted to know why the Gay and
Lesbian Community Council was upset about the Helpline. I told him what I knew
but said I didn’t initiate the issue and I didn’t really want to get into it
with him. I also told him there wouldn’t be a Beyond Stonewall next year
because I am moving to New Mexico. There’s hardly any light left with the sun
rising at seven fifty and the sun setting at six forty. It is suppose to snow
on the bench area tonight. I want to live my life alone if I can’t have someone
to watch over me.
26
October 1989 Thursday
It rained and snowed all last night and when I got up this
morning there was snow all over the ground. Fuck. I hate snow and winter and
wearing tons of clothes, and feeling cold all the time, and the darkness. I
spent the evening alone this day. Terry called and said he had the flu. He said
he’d come over to spend the night so I could take care of him but its nine so
I’m probably stood up again. John Reeves called saying that the Gay Rights Bill
will pass in Massachusetts anytime now. Also he said that Chris Brown is coming
up from New York City the first weekend in November for a visit with John. I
want to live alone. It was a big mistake moving in here with Jim Rieger. I think
he’s an okay guy in his own sarcastic negative way but we are on different wave
lengths. He said this morning, “I don’t understand how Mike can be in town a
little more than a week and have a boyfriend already.” I just replied, “Some
people got it and some people don’t.” I am sick of his negative attitudes. In
the news, the face of Communism is changing in Eastern Europe. Hungary has voted
itself a Republic independent of the Soviet Bloc and Russia is not stepping in
to prevent it. Poland has also ousted the Communists from government.
27
October 1989 Friday
I came unglued with my kids today because of all the gum
chewing. Yesterday I ripped Nathan Valdez a new asshole for having wads of gum,
then Mike Goodfellow had gum before PE today and Nick Sessions the moron had
gum out at PE after I had thrown a fit in class just a few minutes before. Then
He spits it out on the grass. I had a fit to be tied! Nick already had to mark
the citizenship chart twice for chewing gum in class that is forbidden by Mr.
Stanger. Later in the day, Nick leans on my plastic paper tray holders and
breaks them. I am so mad. I am making his mom pay for it. Anyway after school
let out I had a conference with Nathan’s grandma and with Jennifer Piocioni’s
mom because the boys are bullying her, especially Nathan. So I didn’t get out
of work until a quarter to five. Then I just stayed on the bus and took it up
to the University to locate where I’m suppose to take my test tomorrow. So all
in all I didn’t get home until after six. I did see Russ Lane on the bus
sitting in the front. He didn’t see me or pretended he didn’t. I didn’t say
anything to him either. Why bother? He had his chance so that’s put to rest.
29
October 1989 Saturday
I had a restless night, probably due to anxiety and stress
over having to take the National Teacher’s Exam today. I was up at six and took
the seven morning bus to the Fort Douglas Bus Stop to the University of Utah.
Testing didn’t actually begin until after eight. The test was in three
parts-General Knowledge, Communication Skills and Professional Knowledge. Each
section was two hours long and by the time it was over I was so mentally tired
and I had a migraine. And it snowed all day
long on top of everything else. The test was over at four thirty. Almost
everyone there taking the test was wanting to get out of Utah and mostly from
Davis County. Anyway afterwards I went and sat in the sauna for about an hour
as I was so cold. Then I went home and really went to bed rather early. Terry
Johnson never called about the Unconditional Support Halloween party and I had
a headache a mile wide so I didn’t even want to go myself. I was in bed by
eight thirty.
29
October 1989 Sunday
It was Daylight Savings Time and I had forgotten all about
it when I got up at six to clean the place and do the dishes. I could have
slept in if I would have reset my clocks. Rocky O’Donovan came over after the Quaker Meeting to visit.
He said he just went to deliver a letter to them on how he felt about the
beating we took a couple of weeks ago about them celebrating Gay Unions. We
also just visited before I left to walk over to Robert Smith’s place on Delmar
Court to see how the Halloween Party went. He said it was okay for the amount
of people who went although it couldn’t have been too successful. Only eight
people showed up. Oh Well. C’est le Vie. Steve Barker and his nephew Spence
from Ogden were still at Bobbie’s having spent the night. Steve is an ultimate Gay voyager, travelling all over the world.
He just got back from Haiti. Anyway I walked back home before going down to
KRCL for an interview with Chuck Whyte for his Unity Show. Jim Rieger was going
to run the tape while I interviewed Chuck. Before heading down Neil Hoyt dropped
by and asked about the possibility of Beyond Stonewall being turned over to
someone else. Jim Rieger then sarcastically said “Ben doesn’t delegate well.” I
just jumped on his shit and took him to task and called him an ignorant ass.
Who the fuck is he to say that about me? Nobody! That’s who. I’m so sick of
being surrounded by negative people and moochers. Later at the studio he said
to Chuck, “If you people had your shit together…blah, blah blah” and I mimicked
him and said to him “Yeah if you had your shit together.” What a fucker! Chuck
works harder than almost anyone else I know in the community and Jim has a lot
of nerve to criticize him!! I really want Jim out of my life. Mike Pipkin came
over this evening saying he needs a place to stay. I said he couldn’t stay
here. I am tired of him using me too! I just stayed home this evening after
leaving KRCL to keep warm.
30
October 1989 Monday
I talked to Terry Johnson tonight. I broke down and called
him. He said he tried calling Sunday but if he did he didn’t leave a message.
He said also that he’ll try to come over tonight and tomorrow; but he didn’t
make it tonight. Oh Well. I’m doing grades for school because it’s the end of
the first term. It makes a lot of difference being back on Standard Time once
more. It’s nice getting up when its still light outside.
31
October 1989 Tuesday
Halloween this year was remarkably uneventful. No parties
and no fun. Terry Johnson didn’t come
over again so I know it’s over between us. I have this gut feeling. Oh Well.
The kids had a Halloween parade and party today at school, so we didn’t get a
lot of work done. That’s about the extent of my Halloween this year. I walked
to Smiths in the Avenue and bought a bus pass for next month and some groceries
to carry back home. It was dusk when I
wn shopping and I saw some kids out trick or treating. It really was fun seeing
guys in drag in the grocery store. I walked down to Unconditional Support
afterwards and stayed there for about an hour as only six people showed up. I
was home by eight and spent the rest f the evening packing away Halloween
decorations for another year. So here ends an uneventful October. The days are
getting shorter as that from the Samhain Cross quarter day until the Winter Solstice
the light is fading and fading away. I am getting out of this state.
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