1
September 1989 Friday
Well so ends the first week of school and Back To School
Night. Mrs. Day left me a nice not in my teacher’s box thanking me for being so
easy to work with. That was thoughtful. Mr. Stanger wants to see me Tuesday. I
wonder want for? He never says why. I will find out then I suppose. Anyway
Terry Johnson came and picked me up this evening to go over to Dorinda Whyte’s
house to watch some videos. They were all slash and gash movies but since I
really just wanted to be with Terry, it really didn’t matter to me and I
endured it. I just curled up in his lap, turned over, and slept. I was at
Dorinda’s until one in the morning then we came back to my place where we
watched something dumb and then we fell asleep on the couch
2
September 1989 Saturday
Terry Johnson spent the night and this morning we slept until
until nine and then we made love. I spent much of the morning just loafing, eating
breakfast, and reading the paper until we went out and we picked up Terry’s
anti-biotic prescription and some 7-11 big gulps before running around. Terry
had to leave at noon to take care of some business so I stayed home much of the
evening writing out bills. I paid my rent and walked over to the Covey Office to
dropped that off. I don’t know if I’m going to stay at the Buckingham after my
lease is up. It is kind of expensive and when Jim Rieger leaves, I’ll have to pay
$369 all by myself. Terry didn’t spend the night. He said he fell asleep of his
grandma’s place. Jim and I went out later to go looking for a Triangle Magazine
but they still aren’t out yet. We also went to Video One Store that Nikki Boyer
owns over on 9th West to check it out and to get a membership
because it carries so many Gay and Lesbian theme movies. I was in bed by one
and I am not sure why I stayed up so late.
3
September 1989 Sunday
Today would have been my great Aunt Essie McLeod Word’s 100th
birthday. Anyway Terry Johnson came over at nine this morning and I fixed him
some breakfast before I went off to my Quaker Meeting. Elaine Emmi asked me if
I would do an Adult Education lesson for the meeting and I agreed to her
request. Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen weren’t at the meeting but Robert
Smith was. After service Robert and I walked down to my apartment on A Street
and from there Terry gave Robert a ride home. When he left, Terry said he wasn’t
going to move in with Robert after all because a friend of his old boyfriend
lives at the same complex owned by the Greek Church. Oh Well. It’s Terry’s
business. Terry and I spent much of the day together and went to Sears several
times to find a pair of jeans for Austin, Terry’s oldest boy. His didn’t fit anymore
so we got the largest size we could in
husky boys and I hope they fit him now for school. I put the jeans on my charge
card. I then went grocery shopping and bought $65 worth of essentials. Jim Rieger had two of
his young computer nerd friends over to watch videos with him. The word nerds
really come to mind as they are so immature. I don’t even know if they are Gay,
non Gay, or nothing at all but they are irritating. I made nachos and bean
burritos for dinner tonight. It’s the first time I’ve cooked in a while. I
would like to start cooking again for Terry. Anyway Terry spent the night. I
slept with him curled up in my single bed until Terry fell asleep while we were
making love. The poor thing is on so much pain medicine that he just dropped
off. So I went back out to the front room and slept on the couch.
4
September 1989 Monday
Today is the Labor Day Holiday so I crawled back into bed
with Terry Johnson. Jim Rieger went off to work early this morning so Terry and
I had time alone with each other. We made love this morning which felt great.
Anyway at ten we left to go get picnic items for a day up near Flat Lake in the
Timpanogos Mountains with Terry’s two boys Heath and Austin. Heath wanted to go
on a picnic before going back to school. I went to Albertson’s and bought a
fried chicken picnic pack and it was a good thing I brought a lot because Terry’s
brother David’s family came along also unbeknownst to me and they didn’t have
anything so we shared ours. How can parents bring kids to a picnic without any
food? I like Dorinda and Todd White really well and David Johnson is not bad
but his wife Sherry is so trashy, yelling and screaming at her kids. White
trash really comes to mind when describing her. I don’t know how those kids
will ever grow up to know anything but welfare. So glad Terry isn’t like that.
He’s a rough cut but so much brighter and more intelligent than the others I’ve
seen of his family. Only thing Terry lacks is confidence to get an education
because he could do anything he wanted to do if he was motivated. I enjoy being
with Terry and his kids but I really don’t like being around Sherry. I think I
could even handle being around her kids if she wasn’t around to yell at them and call them “stupid”
all the time. What a mess. But Mormons say families are forever whether you
like it or not! It was beautiful in the high country and the leaves are just
beginning to turn colors up there. When we came down back into the city, Terry
went back over to his Grandma’s after dropping me off and I cleaned up around
the apartment. I did some ironing mostly while Jim had his teenage friends Doug and Chris back over for a nerd party. We
watched “Trapped By the Mormons” but with all their chatter about computers it wasn’t
very interesting being out with them. I finally just ended up going to bed.
Terry must have fallen asleep at his Grandma’s because he never came back over.
I’ve been throwing Billy Cat’s butt outside at night lately because of his
crying and yowling.
5
September 1989 Tuesday
I am glad it was a short school day for the kids. Mr Stanger
just called me in to tell me I have another new student. That makes thirty-four
so far. Afterwards I went to the main library and checked out some Halloween
Music to tape for October. I tried to find a comedy album about United States
history but couldn’t find anything appropriate. I stopped in at Radio City on
the way home but the Triangle magazine is still not out yet. I called Satu
Servigna yesterday and she said she thought they would be distributed today. At
home, Terry Johnson called and said he was feeling pretty lousy from having fluid
drawn from his tumor. I had him come over to relax and I fixed him dinner of
burritos and then left him with Jim Rieger while I walked down to Unconditional
Support. I hadn’t been there for a while and there was a nice turn out with
lots of new people. It’s time for a new turnover of leadership. One of the questions
that Steve Oldroyd who was leading tonight posed was “What does Unconditional
Support mean to you?” I was surprised and pleased by the responses. I’m sure
that half the people there had no idea that Unconditional Support was dreamed
up out of my head. When Steve asked me what does U.S. mean to me I answered, “Ken
Francis, Mark Lamar, Randy Olson, John Reeves and Darrell Webber.” Then someone
asked me “Who are those people” I just replied “My friends who aren’t with me
anymore” Van Summerhill was down from Ogden to promote the first meeting of the
Ogden Chapter of US. It makes me proud
that the organization now has two chapters. I don’t feel like my life has been wasted
if for no other reason than Unconditional Support and Beyond Stonewall. Anyway,
I really didn’t feel a part of Unconditional Support anymore. I have just out
grown the need of a support group too much. It was fun, however, seeing Jeff
Wood and some of the others again but after the meeting I ran much of the way
home to be with Terry. Allan Peterson wasn’t at US tonight and Bobbie wasn’t
pleased with the way Steve Oldroyd was conducting the meeting. I don’t blame
him. He was giving counseling advice and that’s not what we’re about. Anyway I
talked to Beau Chaine some. He looks well. I told him about Terry and that he
is my new boyfriend. Beau said “Good At last maybe you will be free of Billy”.
I said “I hope so”. I want to plan a
Halloween Dance and a Thanksgiving Dinner for Unconditional Support. I need to
get with Bobbie and with Richard Morris to start planning. Mike Casey Jr came
to US tonight. I just hugged him said how sorry I was about his dad’s death. I
said the pain will never go away for you
but in time it will lessen. He thanked
me and gave me a look like I was the only one who understood. It was such a hot
day today with temperatures at ninety four degrees. It seemed hotter because
the nights are so much cooler. At home Terry was lying on the couch and he
seemed happy. Jim and his friend Curtis from California came over and they were
sharing a bottle of wine. Jim likes his wine. Terry went to bed at nine thirty
and I went and laid down with him just to hold him. He’s naturally anxious
about going to the hospital this Friday. On Saturday, Jim is leaving for California
for two weeks. In the news a couple of days ago LDS Elder George P Lee was
excommunicated from the Mormon Church for sexual misconduct.
6
September 1989 Wednesday
I made the mistake of not eating any breakfast or lunch so
my blood sugar levels were near zero and I had a tough day at school. To make
matters even worse, I had to attend an In-Service class on AIDS until four
thirty so I didn’t get home until five. The class was nothing that I couldn’t
have taught myself but it was important for the Mormons to hear. The Triangle
magazine still hasn’t com e out. I guess it will when it will. I didn’t hear
from Terry Johnson today. I suppose he has a lot on his mind what with going
into the hospital tomorrow to see if he will need surgery. I’ve been praying
that when he does sees the doctor he won’t need surgery. I stayed home this
evening really rather tired. I am really feeling run down. I know it’s from
getting up so early again. Today is the first meeting of Unconditional Support
in Ogden. Van Summerhill and Rod Fowler are the driving force behind starting a
chapter up there. I would have liked to have gone to support them but alas no
car and I was too tired to take the bus all the way to Ogden.
.
7
September 1989 Thursday
Praise God, the results of Terry’s test shows no cancer
around his kidneys. Well that’s one hurdle. Now we have the tumor to worry
about. School went better today since I ate breakfast of cooked oatmeal. I won’t
ever skip it again. Rocky O’Donovan walked with me down to the Resurrection
Metropolitan Community Church for Gay and Lesbian Community Council. While walking he showed me an article that
was written up on him in the Logan
8
September 1989 Friday
Either I’m getting hay fever or I am coming down with a
cold. Well I’ve finished another week at school. When I came home I started
cleaning up the apartment. I made spaghetti for Terry Johnson’s dinner to
celebrate his not having to go into the hospital. I didn’t do much this evening
but stayed home with Terry while Jim Rieger went out with one of his friends,
He’s leaving tomorrow for California for two weeks. Rocky O’Donovan and Robert
Erichssen dropped by and they watched the Fly Part 2 with Terry and I.
9
September 1989 Saturday –
Jim Rieger left about noon to return to Ridgecrest,
California. It will be nice to be alone again I think, although Jim isn’t a bad
roommate at all. It’s just that he’s so conservative about some things. Terry
took me over to Bobbie Smith’s for his garage sale and then to KRCL’s Tenth
Anniversary celebration at Liberty Park, It was a pretty day out but I feel
rather lousy. I bought a pork roast for dinner because Terry Johnson wanted
Dorinda and Todd White to come over. I fixed biscuits, corn on the cob, breaded
pork and a dinner salad. Terry made this potato dish. Terry was upset when
Dorinda called and canceled coming over but we had a nice dinner anyway. I was
really tempted to eat meat and have a regular dinner with Terry but I didn’t. I
am still a veggie. Satu Servigna called and said she needed help stuffing the
September issue of the Triangle to mail out. I said I would do it for her and
Terry said he’d help me. I teased him saying “Now you’re a Gay activist.”
Anyway Satu wasn’t feeling well and I was surprised to find that neither of my
articles, that Becky Moorman had me write, were published and the article on
Beyond Stonewall she wrote was really poor. I was upset to say the least. Tom
Abizu and Becky both were given complementary admission to Beyond Stonewall and
what do I get from them, four paragraphs? Anyway Terry and I watched some more
videos tonight: They were “Live” and “The Gods Must Be Crazy”. While stuffing
the envelopes, I was so tired from the
antihistamines I’ve been taking for my hay fever that I fell asleep before the
movie was over. Mike Pipkin called from Moab today. He says he has a job there
and that Phil Katich had come down to visit.
I guess Phil and Renn have become roommates. Billy Bikowski and Renn are
no longer together which is what I suspected all along.
10
September 1989 Sunday
Terry Johnson spent the night and we slept in so late so
that I missed my Quaker Meeting. I felt out of sorts all day. Satu Servign came
by and picked up the Triangle envelopes and I complained to her about Becky Moorman losing my articles and
not writing much about Beyond Stonewall. Anyway Terry left to spend some time
with his family while I stayed home and mostly did my wash for next week. I did make some cookies. I find that I’m
cooking more with Terry around than before. In the evening I did two programs
for Concerning Gays and Lesbians at KRCL while Becky Moss engineered the show.
The first was with Luci Malin for the National Organization for Women
Conference which is coming to Salt Lake City in October. The second program was
just news regarding our community. Jim Rieger will be back on the 24th
to do more programs then. Terry never came back over so he must have fallen
asleep.
11
September 1989 Monday
I really felt crummy today and could hardly get my shit
together to go to work. Blowing my nose, and feeling awful, I took the seven
forty five Ogden Bus to work in North Salt Lake and I got there about eight O
five. I’m supposed to be at work by
eight. I am glad it was a short day
because I didn’t feel like fighting with the kids. I had to stay for a PTA meeting after work
but by two thirty I took off to just go back home. There I stayed in the rest
of the night. Terry Johnson came by and he said he wasn’t feeling well either
so we just snuggled up and watched ALF before going to bed by nine thirty.
12
September 1989 Tuesday
I took a later bus to work today and didn’t get there until
eight ten and I ran into Mr. Stanger. He made the comment about me leaving
early yesterday even though I was sick and his attitude made me realize that I
better just plan on catching the seven in the morning bus and getting to work
at seven twenty-five. Oh Well. If UTA would just have a bus at seven thirty
that would be great. but no way. Anyway way the day went pretty fast and I
finished reading to the kids Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I always read to
the kids right after lunch recess to kind of get them settled down from being hyper
coming in from recess. I will begin Blubber tomorrow which is Judy Blume’s book
on bullying. When I came home from school I made chili verde for Terry Johnson.
I had bean and cheese nachos. Jim Hunsaker dropped by at six thirty to see how
I am doing. He said he hadn’t seen me for a while. We went down to Unconditional
Support at Crossroads Urban Center together because I wanted to drop off some
Triangle Magazines and talk with Chuck Whyte. I didn’t feel like typing up the
Gay and Lesbian Community Council minutes tonight but did want to visit with
Chuck. He said that the Utah AIDS Foundation may donate a computer to the GLCCU
for our use. That would be great. Chuck wants to be chair of the council so
badly for next year. I’ll support him. Anyway Neal Hoyt gave me a ride back
home after US. He said that Affirmation was hanging in there but not
growing. New elections for Affirmation will
be held in October. Becky Moorman called and said she found my essay she had
lost. Great. Richard Morris said he’d be happy to do a Halloween dance for
Unconditional Support but he doesn’t know whether he will be in town for
Thanksgiving. When I was home, Terry Johnson was still there. He said that the
doctor thought his tumor was due to a bacteria infection of some type and that
he’s going to have to take massive doses of antibiotics. I want him to also
take vitamins and garlic pills. We watched Roseanne before going to bed at
nine.
13
September 1989 Wednesday
I feel a little better but I’ve developed a cold sore on my
upper lip so I know I didn’t just have hay fever. I didn’t hear from Terry Johnson today. I was
surprised when Dorinda White called in the evening and she didn’t know where he
was either. I just stayed home this evening and rested. I really felt alone
tonight. Not lonely but just alone in this big apartment. I went to bed at nine
o’clock. In the news East Germans are escaping to the west through Hungary.
That is kind of neat. The weather is really warm and sunshiny but it is the end
of summer. Is it the end of my summer romance too?
14
September 1989 Thursday
When I was home from work, Terry Johnson called and asked if
he could come over. I said certainly but he didn’t come until eight so I just
watched television mostly because I was too tired to go out although I did go grocery
shopping at Albertson’s but that was about it. I am still worn down from this
summer cold probably caught from the kids.
15
September 1989 Friday
Terry Johnson left for work this morning and that was the
last I saw of him all day. It was a long day at work because of my feeling so
dragged out from this cold. When I got home from work today I had a message on
my answering machine from Rocky O’Donovan.
He said that it was his birthday and so he's going to spend it with
Robert Errichssen instead of going to the Faerie gathering. I was tired too from my cold all this week so
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go myself, but I felt it was important, and I did
want to get out of the house. I am full of nervous anxiety over changes going on
in my life, I don’t care about anything right now even my relationship with
Terry. C’est le vie. So I walked over to
Bobbie Smith's and we visited for about an hour and a half about Unconditional
Support and the Sacred Faeries. We
decided to do a Halloween party instead of a dance this year for U.S.
16
September 1989 Saturday
I talked to Terry Johnson this morning and he was supposed
to come over at ten for breakfast but he never showed. He also never showed for
us to go to the Utah State Fair either. I don’t know if I should be angry or
concerned. Maybe its time for me to re-evaluate where our relationship is
headed. At two, I went to an organizational meeting for the “thirty-Five and
Over” group. Steve Oldroyd had asked me to attend to give some pointers on
starting an organization and keeping it vibrant, The meeting lasted until
four and then I walked home. Still no
Terry. I called John Bush this afternoon and was surprised to hear that he
needed to resign from Beyond Stonewall because of his commitment to so many
other projects. That throws a monkey wrench into things but it may be my way
out. I’m not sure if I want to do another one after this last fiasco with Billy
Bikowski. I want to move from Utah and if I commit to doing another Beyond
Stonewall Retreat I am then committed to staying throughout the summer. I won’t
deal with this until after I meet with John this Monday at four. Anyway I just
stayed home this evening expecting to hear from Terry but I never did. I am not
sure what is going on there. I wanted to go out tonight but also I did not feel
up to walking downtown. I finally decided to just go to bed which I did at nine
thirty.
17
September 1989 Sunday-
I didn't attend my Quaker Meeting this morning again. I
think in my heart I'm resigned to let it go.
But deep in my heart I know I have Quaker beliefs but going to the
meetings doesn't satisfy something unexpressed, deep in my Gay soul. I have a hunger, a longing for something, but
what? I used Mormonism to try and
satisfy a need to understand the "mysteries" but learned that Mormons
do not have any answers. Just questions.
They are the modern Pharisees more interested in the letter of the law
than the spirit. The church I was raised in, The Church of Christ, has some
childhood nostalgia for me which tugs at my old heart strings but its dogma,
couch in that sick-Southern psyche, is too narrow and bigoted for me. Quakerism spoke to my heart and soul about
following my inner light but the rest of it is too transcendental for me. The Metropolitan Community Church is too
"high church" with more pomp and circumstance than my Reformation
Calvinism will allow. I am not certain that Paganism will allow me to nurture
my personal love and relationship with the Savior as Lover of my soul. Truly I am in the winter of my spiritual
discontent. Should I try Unitarianism? New
Age Metaphysics? Eastern Philosophies? I'm
certain that I'm seeking something that does not exist. The one True Way. Perhaps the one "True
Way" is all the ways that will lead me on paths of self discovery and
realization; to the very roots of my relationship to the natural and
supernatural worlds. Perhaps that is what
"true religion" is- self discovery.
Since God is within perhaps I've been too busy searching outside of
myself. Christ said that the Kingdom of God
18
September 1989 Monday
I am still not feeling up to snuff but am getting better all
the time. After school there was a faculty social which was awful but I smiled
and tried to be pleasant to all the straight Mormons there. It lasted until
almost four and I was so bored with the sophomoric attempts at trying to get to
know each other. I don’t want to share my life with these people because I know
it would be used against me. Already I am getting asked “are you married? How
many kids do you have?” Not any legitimate questions like where are you from?
How do you like it here at Orchard? They are just asking questions to peg me whether
I am a Mormon or not. Anyway I am going to spread a lie to keep them away from
me. I won’t call it disinformation because a lie is a lie. I don’t feel good about
it at all because it will weakens my integrity; but it will get people off my
case for my own survival as a teacher. I’m going to tell busy body Mrs. Day
tomorrow that I am a widower and that I lost my wife and son in a car accident
in California three years ago at Christmas time and it’s too painful for me to
discuss. That should stop the inquest except for the most boorish of people and
then I’ll just repeat I’d rather not discuss it. When I first came here I heard
Mrs. Day say to Mr. Unger that she was so glad to have someone at school who held
the priesthood in case someone got injured. Oh brother, that told me where I
stood in the pecking order. After school I went to a teacher's rally up at the
State Capital. About 5000 teachers
attended trying to get the attention of the state legislators. Utah
19
September 1989 Tuesday
Today is Grandpa Johnson’s 88th birthday. I sent
him a card but I doubt it will get there in time. When home from work, Terry
Johnson called me and said that he had hurt his wrist and that the doctor said
he is to go see him this Friday to have surgery on the tumor in his head. Since
he wasn’t going to be coming over tonight I walked down to Unconditional Support.
I almost got rained on but didn’t. I was
too worried and upset about Terry to stay for coffee afterwards. Steve Oldroyd
led the meeting and it was boring with Steve belaboring on everything anyone
said. I did catch a ride home from some new fellow. He probably wanted to have sex with me but I didn’t.
Right now I am satisfied with Terry’s love making and if I’m not in love with
him, I am growing to love him which is better than a simple infatuation. I
enjoy Jim Rieger being away. I don’t miss his sarcasm at all. I do enjoy living
alone. I don’t care to have anymore “roommates” after Jim.
20
September 1989 Wednesday
The weather is starting to warm back up. I still have either
hay fever or the remnant of that cold. Nothing is going on at work but I am
wearing out all the same. I spend most of the day trying to maintain discipline
let alone try to do any real teaching. I don’t know if I’m accomplishing
anything in any real way to benefit my students. I’m extremely edgy right now.
John Reeves called to say the IRS is going after him and his ex wife Barbara like they did
Fran and I. Gawd do I know how that feels. I called Mike Anderson this evening
to ask how he was going to repay the $120 from the Beyond Stonewall Account. He’s
working for Little America now setting up banquets and he said he’d pay $60
this Friday and the other $60 soon. I harbor no ill will against Mike but he
should pay back the money since he never delivered the goods. Hurricane Hugo is
blasting the Caribbean.
21
September 1989 Thursday
I didn’t see Terry Johnson today but I did talk to him some
on the phone. He’s going in to Holy Cross Hospital tomorrow at four for his surgery.
I just stayed home this evening and straightened up the place before Jim Rieger
gets back this Saturday. Mike Pipkin called from Moab saying he was coming up
this Saturday to get his things he had left here. Hurricane Hugo is going to
rip through Charleston, South Carolina tonight after midnight. Nothing seems to
be going on with anyone worth mentioning. I don’t hear much from anyone
anymore. Once in a while I get excited about doing another Beyond Stonewall but
then I think I’m going to quit while I am ahead, It was a nice dream. Time to
dream anew. Today is the last day of Summer 89 and the last summer of the
Eighties. Twenty years ago I was just starting school at Cypress Jr. College
and so excited to be with John Cunningham the beloved. The adventure of being
an adult was just beginning. Fifteen years ago I was so destitute and distraught
over my situation at Brigham Young University. I was working washing dishes at
ZCMI in Provo because that bastard Religion Teacher had flunked me which caused
me to miss graduation by a half a unit. Ten years ago I was working with Gary
Ratliff, painting the artificial turf at the Rice Football Stadium. I was
married to Fran Williams but in love with Gary. Last night I had the most
unusual dream. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to eating meat but
in my dream I saw these small puppies bound together, while others dying and
this guy was rounding them up to sell them for food. What’s the difference
between piggies and puppies?
22
September 1989 Friday
The first day of autumn and I’m on strike come Monday. A
wild cat strike started at Davis High School this morning and soon spread to
most other schools in Davis County and has spilled over into Granite, Jordan,
and Alpine districts. We took a vote at Orchard and I think Mrs. Day and I were
the only ones who voted to walk. The kids were so hyper because they all knew
about the strike as that the Junior high kids were hanging around the school all
day. Orchard elementary was one of the few schools in Davis which didn’t walk
out. Teachers are angry that the state has all this surplus money and yet can’t
find any funds for smaller class sizes and new text books. I have thirty four
kids all jammed into a room built to accommodate twenty five and it’s a pressure
cooker all day. There’s very little learning taking place I can tell you that.
What really pissed me off was when Governor Bangeter said for teachers to take
two aspirins and go back to work!! Tomorrow there is a meeting to be held to
call for a state wide strike on Monday. All they can treat are the symptoms in
this state, because the problem is too many kids and too little tax base. Utah
is a third World country surviving on federal government handouts and with a blind
slavish obedience to a misogynist patriarchal church. Terry Johnson left me a
message on my answering machine saying that his surgery was successful. He
seemed awfully tired.
23 September 1989 Saturday
I cleaned the apartment really good, stripped the bed and
put on clean sheets, scrubbed the kitchen floor and then went shopping and
bought some area rugs and household items to make the place more homey. Mike
Pipkin came up at one in the afternoon with his father to retrieve his things.
He didn’t stay long because they were going back to Moab tonight. Mike said he
thinks Phil Katich has a new boyfriend. He did move in with Renn. Strange small
community we live in. Anyway Mike said he’s going to move to San Francisco this
November. Maybe he will this time. John Reeves called and said he’s applied for
a job in Tempe, Arizona. If he moved to the South West I’d be down in a flash.
I didn’t hear from Terry Johnson all day but yesterday he said that his son Austin
was staying with him to look after him. That’s good. I couldn’t get anyone to
go with me to the National Organization for Women’s Board Reception tonight so
I went alone. I gave a $50 donation from the Beyond Stonewall account and paid
$20 at the auction for a cartoon characterization of state senator Frances
Farley. Molly Yard was there as well as Eleanor Smeal and Francis Farley. Molly
Yard is a dynamo. Bright, articulate, and full of positive energy. The money
raised tonight was for a Political Action Committee to help elect women to state
offices in Utah. Only others there I recognized were Martin Caldwell and Norm
Jenks from Cache Valley, and of course Luci Malin. When I was home from the
wine and cheese reception, it was nearly nine thirty and Jim Rieger was in from
California. Since he was on the phone until I went to bed, we didn’t get a chance
to visit.
24
September 1989 Sunday
It was a lazy day for me. It felt so nice. I slept in until
seven then was up to straighten the place. Having Jim Rieger back is kind of
different after being on my own again for a couple of weeks. I kind of wish
that I would not have gotten a roommate.
I should not have agreed to it but December will come fasten than you
know it. Jim went off to school today and I didn’t attend my Quaker Meeting so
I guess that phase of my life is really over for right now. Anyway I talked to
Terry Johnson a little bit today and he says he is feeling a little bit better
and his blood pressure is way down but still has these fierce headaches. We
visited a little about the school walk out tomorrow and how that is making m
anxious then he said he was tired so I let him go. I called Bobbie Smith to see
if he wanted to go with me for a walk up Memory Grove to see the beautiful
leaves that are turning but he was busy painting his apartment so I just went
by myself. I brought my journal with me and got caught up with it while
lounging in the autumn sun shine by the City Creek. I stayed in the park three
hours just resting, meditating, and contemplating about the direction my life
is taking. When I went home at six I told Jim that I didn’t feel like doing a
radio program tonight and to go ahead without me. I just stayed home and
watched Married with Children. I am missing Terry or maybe just his arms around
me. I hope he is fine. I’m feeling very blasé. This month is going pretty fast
and soon it will be October. Lots of changes going on in my life, none of which
I feel I have control over. Liza Smart asked me to make a potato salad for the
history symposium this Wednesday.
25
September 1989 Monday
I didn’t go into work today because of the teacher’s strike
and rally at Liberty Park. So I took care of some business and called the IRS.
I found out that there will be thirteen more months before the pay off of back
taxes and the interests owed from when Fran and I were married will be finished.
Then I called about the National Teacher’s Exam and found out that today was
the last day to apply to take the October Test so I took a bus up to the
University of Utah and picked up a form, filled it out, and sent it off with
the $70 application fee. I also transferred some funds from Key Bank into my
Savings at Valley Bank. I had a lot of running around to do but I made it to
the rally at Liberty Park at two in the afternoon. There was probably nearly
five thousand teachers there with signs, posters, and petitions. I liked the
sign that read “Bangerter can kiss my aspirin”. Another had written on it I
have a Headache this big and Bangerter’s written all over it.” It was a good
upbeat rally and being outside I got a lot of sun. I saw Glen Camomile and he
was being his old negative prissy self. I also saw Elaine Day from Orchard. I was glad
that someone I knew from Orchard saw me to prove I was there and not just
cutting work. At four thirty I met Chuck Whyte back up at the Crossroads Urban
Center. I was tired from walking all over the city but we got the minutes and
financial report finished for the community council. However I didn’t get out
of there until seven thirty after three hours? Ugh! And I still didn’t get the minutes
mimeographed off and put in envelopes. I told Chuck I would do that tomorrow.
So I was finally home at eight. I didn’t hear from Terry Johnson today. I hope
he’s okay. I wonder if the walk-out will do us any good in January when the
legislators meet. Whatever is decided I’m making plans to leave Utah by the end
of 1990.
26
September 1989 Tuesday
I went back to work along with the rest of the teachers and
strangely my students were pretty subdued. I’m so glad it’s a short week
because of the walk-out even if it meant losing one day of pay. Anyway, I
stayed until five, running off ditto worksheets and making lesson plans, At
home I finished stuffing all the envelopes for the Gay and Lesbian Community
Council of Utah also. I have about fifty people on the mailing list that I have
to address and mail off. I heard from Terry Johnson finally. He’s having bad
news as that his car is broken and it will cost $1700 for it to be fixed. He
just bought it so he said he’s just going to let it get repo’ed. Also he said
that the doctors might still have to do surgery on him as that fluid is filling
back up on the brain. I don’t know how we are going to see each other for a
while as he won’t take the bus. I walked down to Albertson’s on 2nd
South to do some grocery shopping since Jim Rieger took his station wagon
somewhere. I was really tired after climbing back up the hill to my apartment
on A Street carrying shopping bags. I didn’t make it to Unconditional Support
but just wanted to stay home and watch some TV, especially Roseanne. I didn’t stay
up late afterwards. Rocky O’Donovan called to say that he’s made up with the
Quakers by saying he didn’t have to feel like he had to justify or defend
himself at the meetings. In fact he was told by the Friends there that they
felt like the Gays attending were a major contribution to the Quaker Meeting
and that the non Gays there were going to push for same sex commitment unions.
It’s a step in the right direction but I still am not excited about going back.
I haven’t heard from anyone else, I guess no news is good news. I went to bed
at nine.
27
September 1989 Wednesday
I was completely worn out by fussing with Chris Andersen and
Phillip Roat all day. Ninety percent of my time is monopolized by ten boys in
my class. I left as soon as I could to get home and make potato salad for my
part of the pot luck for the Historical Society. It was held this time at six
because of the symposium. The items of business were that Brooke Hallock was
dropped as a member of the Executive committee and Erick Meyers was chosen to replace
her because of his business experience. It was a nice turn out of and we had a
nice pot luck dinner. Liza Smart welcomed everyone to the first Gay and Lesbian
Historical Society Symposium, and then we ate first and then watched a video
about the Gay historian John Boswell. Some how much of the film got screwed up
but what we saw of it was extremely interesting. I told Bobbie Smith and Eliza
Smart that I wasn’t doing another Beyond Stonewall basically because I want to
move from Utah and not have my summer tied up with all the planning. Also I am
just plain tired and don’t have the energy level to sustain the effort it takes
to promote it. I really don’t feel like
there is anyone else capable of putting on Beyond Stonewall the way John Reeves
and I envisioned it. It’s better to let it die in a flash of glory than let it
become incompetent like Unconditional Support has become when it was turned
over to Allan Peterson and Affirmation to Chuck Thomas. All in all the
symposium was really fun but by ten I was worn out. A lot of women showed up
for the first symposium more than men
probably due to Liza Smart’s influence in the Lesbian community.
28
September 1989 Thursday
I year ago yesterday, Fran and I were divorced and my former
mother in law died of cancer on the same day, Today is Billy Bikowski’s 28th
birthday. No wonder I feel so edgy. School is still draining all my energies
but within two weeks I’ll have a four day weekend with the Utah Education Association
Conference. Any way when I arrived home I found that my phone had been
disconnected. I was anxious to know how Terry Johnson was doing since I hadn’t
seen him in a couple of days. So to get out of the house I walked over to the
post office and mailed out the Gay and Lesbian Community Council’s minutes.
While there I picked up the mail out of the post office box. A letter
threatening to sue me for $4500 was in the mail but it was a bill that Fran owed
after we had separated so I wasn’t liable for it. Our divorce papers say I am
not liable for debts accrued after the day we had separated in 1986. After
checking the mail I walked over to the Greek Orthodox’s apartments to see
Bobbie Smith but he wasn’t at home. Walking back home, I met Dave Reed who was
on his way for rehearsal at the Salt Lake Opera. I thought how odd it was to
run into him on Billy’s birthday. Anyway he said he said that he heard I had a
new boyfriend from Beau Chaine and that he had had lunch with Billy just
yesterday. I said did you know today is his birthday? He didn’t. I asked if
Billy ever finally have a phone number and Dave said yes and he asked if I
wanted it. I said no. I would just call it if I had it. I’m sure that’s true
and I need to not open that can of worms. When I came home, the phone was still
not working so I went out again for a little bit but by six it was ringing so
whatever was the problem, Jim Rieger had taken care of it. I then tried calling
Dorinda White to see if she had heard from Terry Johnson and I was surprised
when he answered the phone as he was to hear me on the other end because he was
at Larry’s, his old roommate. I had inadvertently called that number instead of
Dorinda’s. We were really surprised at the coincidence as that Dorinda had her
phone number changed after her husband Todd had tried to shoot her last
Sunday!! She’s living alone now and wouldn’t have been able to reach Terry
through her if I wouldn’t have misdialed. I told him to call me tomorrow and
leave a message whether he had his surgery or not.
29
September 1989 Friday
I took some hay fever medicine this morning which it damn
nearly made me feel wiped out all day. I was glad to see the day end. When I got
home there was a message from Terry Johnson saying he had some good news from
his doctor but he had some bad news about his mother who had a heart attack in Denver
and is not expected to live. So Terry and his brother David are going to Denver
to be with her and he said he’d call me when he gets back. Anyway I decided to
go shopping since I got paid today. I needed some school clothes so I took a bus
out to West Valley and bought a gray sweater and a night shirt at Mervyns’s and
a pair of black acid wash jeans and two black shirts at the Men’s store called
J.W. I also bought a pair of black canvas shoes as I prepare to stop wearing
animal parts on my body. Jim Rieger’s Time Magazine came today which was on
China. In it there was a picture of Chinese eating puppies. I was shocked to
see that they were the same little puppies I saw all tied up and dying in my
dream last week. I’m sick of eating flesh ad subjugating other species for me.
I don’t believe that God wanted us here to dominate and kills the animals. Man
was driven from the garden to till the ground and eat bread from the sweat of
his brow. Man and Woman may have dominion over the animal kingdom but not the
right to dominate them. In the Garden God said, “ I have given you every herb
bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth, an every tree in which is
the fruit yielding seed to you it shall be meat.” And then he said And to Every
beast of the earth and every fowl of the air and everything that creepeth on
the earth where there is life I have given every green herb for meat.” I
believe when things are in harmony we will eat only fruits and herbs. I myself
would rather pattern myself after the time we lived in the garden in harmony
with all living things. After taking the bus back from West Valley I was in bed
by ten thirty
30
September 1989 Saturday’
Change, Change, Conge. I took the bus back out to West
Valley today and bought some more items but mostly I went grocery shopping at Smith’s
at 8th and 9th. A big blustery storm blew in while I was
in the store so I didn’t get wet. Terry Johnson is in Denver, Colorado so I
didn’t plan on doing much this evening but just watching TV after shopping. Jim
Rieger brought over the Nerd Patrol and they were over while I started putting
up Halloween Decorations. I tore my closet apart looking for all the stuff I
had stashed away. Thus ends September. I’ve taken some twelve hour Contact hay
fever pills and while they do the job I am listless, tired, and just wiped out.
Jim doesn’t do one thing around the place. He hasn’t washed a dish, vacuumed a
room, cleaned his bedroom etc. I don’t want a roommate if I’m all the time
doing all the cleaning. Maid service was not part of the deal. Well this month
is gone. Nothing remarkable for me, but a hell of a month for Terry Johnson. Am
I to be in Albuquerque this time next year?
Changes, changes. Mark Lamar called me this evening and said that he’s
going to get back together with his “Bill” and move down to Texas to be with
him. Really? I’m happy for him if it does work out but I doubt it. His Bill is
abusive. Strange that I should run into Dave Reed on Billy’s birthday. I’m
dropping out of so many things that it’s scary. So much baggage from the past. It’s
time for a makeover.
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