December 1989

1 December 1989 Friday

James Edgar Clark Wachs was born 21 years ago this very night. I was seventeen years old, working at the Home Silk Shop on Harbor Blvd and Chapman Avenue in Garden Grove as a stock boy. I had not yet fallen in love with John Cunningham but I knew I was Gay or at least queer. I couldn’t have loved James  anymore if I had him myself. Indeed at times I was a more attentive mother.  So glad its Friday and got paid today. I had an extra $56 in my check for career ladder day. That was a pleasant surprise so I made $950 this month. I put $150 into Valley Bank in savings. I have $925 in there now. It’s my little nest egg and the first time I've ever had any real savings. I went to the Post Office to retrieve my mail. I had a letter from Mark Lamar which really made me smile. He's gone and started a church. Its great and I love it. This partially deaf guy, Wayne Thompson came over this evening and bored the living shit out of me But I tried to be sweet and supportive. I the news President Bush is over in Malta to meet with Russian President Gorbachev. It’s pathetic that we don’t have some real leadership during this historic time. Where are our leaders? Today is National AIDS Day

2 December 1989 Saturday-

Today was interesting. I straightened up the apartment in the morning then took a bus up to Smiths in the Avenues where I ran into Kevin McCloskey.  I went back with him to his house to visit for a while and we made plans to go home to California together for Xmas. His folks live in Riverside. We discussed the Sacred Faeries and other metaphysical concepts. After taking me home, I paid rent $380 and made out some bills. I only owe about $400 to Levitz Furniture. I sent them $75. Later in the afternoon I walked  downtown and stopped in at a “tea-room” in the Eagle Gate Plaza. There was a hunky young fellow there and we got it on. That brought color to my cheeks. On the way over to Radio City, to check to see if the Triangle was out, I ran into John Merrill on his bike. It made me want to get mine fixed. We talked a little about the nature of public sex and the raw power there. Anyway I breezed through Radio City and on the way out this tall cute guy, with bad teeth, winked at me. I didn’t know about the bad teeth until later but it was fun being winked at. I spent the rest of the evening home watching TV. I went to bed fairly early about ten thirty. The hazy smoggy weather is choking me. I’ve never been this affected by the smog before in Salt Lake City Yuck!

3 December 1989 Sunday

I really didn’t do anything today. I feel like my body is trying to fight off something, so I’m just taking it easy. Late in the afternoon, I had a lot of company dropping by and phone calls all about the same time. Steve Oldroyd came over to pick up the Color of Love Book  and he stayed to visit. Rod Sheiffer then came over and I handed over all my Beyond Stonewall information to him. I just took a deep breath and handed my records over to him. It was sort of like sending a child out on his own and placing him in the care of others. Oh Well. I think it will be fine. I still would like Beyond Stonewall to be a fundraiser for the Community Center. Anyway Mark Lamar called about his new church and how he set me up as an ordained minister in his Gay ministry. It made me laugh. Good old Mark. More about that later. Dave Sharpton called and invited me to a party this Saturday. He may be leaving Salt Lake City too, for Washington DC. I stayed home tonight and copied a colorized version of the Gable and McDonald’s San Francisco movie. Now back to Mark Lamar. I think this church concept is important. I can’t put my finger right on it but there’s a thought, or vision behind this. Mark may have put it together and completed the paper work but if its to be meaningful I will have to put forth some major effort. Perhaps in Mexico.

4 December 1989 Monday

Back to school and I’m so drained. I must be fighting off something. In fact I was so tired; I went to bed at eight thirty. I’ve written out about twenty Xmas cards with more to send out. I’m sorry I don’t have more to write about today but I am pooped and going to bed. 

5 December 1989 Tuesday

School is hectic! I had to sit on my class today because they were so hyper. I had them make paper poinsettias in art. I also bought five boxes of See’s Candies for all my nephews and niece in California. After school I went to the Utah Idaho School supplies and bought an activity book for December to try and keep the kids buzy, buzy. I also bought a calendar for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. Bobbie Smith called me and said he’s been in touch with the leaders of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and they want to do an activity with Unconditional Support. Jim Hunsaker took me down to the Crossroads Urban Center for Unconditional Support where the discussion was on Holiday Depression. I’ve out grown Unconditional Support so much. What to do next? I made a list of Gay and Lesbian Community Officers beginning in December 1986

• 1987-1988: John Sassaman moderator Dec 1986 to August 1987, John Bennett Chair Sept 1987 to March 1988, Lyle Bradley Vice Chair Sept 1987 to January 1988, Jim Hunsaker Secretary Sept 1987-March 1988

• 1988-1989 John Bennett Chair Jan 1988 to March 1988, Satu Servigna Vice Chair January 1988 to March 1988, Jim Hunsaker Secretary Jan 1988 to March 1988; Chair April 1988 to January 1989, John Reeves Vice Chair March 1988 to August 1988, Reina Horton Vice Chair Sept 1988 to January 1989 Bruce Barton Secretary March 1988 to January 1989,

• 1989 Neil Hoyt Chair Feb 1989 to December 1989, Chuck Whyte Vice Chair Feb 1989 to December 1989, Ben Williams Secretary Feb 1989 to December 1989

6 December 1989 Wednesday

“They’re writing songs of love but not for me” Mrs. Day was out today and Mr. Unger was pissing me off with his cavalier take charge attitude not caring what I might want to do with the fifth graders. I really don’t like him. He’s a fucking passive aggressive Mormon. It was really ugly today. It was kind of rainy and nasty out today. I taught the kids about Hanukah today. Yesterday I bought five one pound boxes of See’s chocolates for $28. That’s a good deal. Allan Peterson of all people sent me my first Christmas Card. Gawd.  This means now I am going to have to forgive him. Mike Pipkin called me today. I’m probably crazy but I said he could stay here for a while and if he wants to pay me $100 he can stay through January. I guess he will. I’m still feeling blah! Trying to fight off a bug I think. Kids are dropping left and right at school with the flu. Talking to Steve Oldroyd last Sunday when he dropped over to borrow The Color of Love, he told me he saw Billy Bikowski at the Deerhunter. I’m sending Terry Johnson a Christmas Card. Jim Hunsaker is so in love with this Stuart Character, the poor sap. The guy is not ready for what Jim could give him. It’s funny I’m surrounded by people such as Jim Hunsaker and Mike Pipkin who have become my close friends through attrition since the ones who really loved me are gone. I am pooped and so will go to bed. Darkness all around. Mother Goddess please bring the light of thy son back to nurture my life. What a silly faggot I am to still  love sweet William after all these years.

7 December 1989 Thursday-

I should  not write when I am so furious but I will.  Tonight was elections for GLCCU and Chuck Whyte was not elected Chair of the council.  Robert Austin was elected. While I have nothing against Robert and I think he'll do a good job, I am really furious with Rocky O’Donovan and upset with Liza Smart for not voting for Chuck.  I made two major appeals for Chuck's election, based on his experience and even more so because he has earned it. The least I felt I could expect from Rocky was loyalty to me if not to Chuck. As Dale Sorenson said I voted for Robert just because I knew him more than Chuck even though I value your opinion. And I replied “Yes but evidently not enough” As I said to Bruce Harmon who did vote for Chuck, "Doesn't loyalty mean anything anymore?" and he replied "It's not 'in' this year."  What do we have now in this community, individuals all with self serving interests? Aren't we a family anymore? Even if some in the council didn't know Chuck that well, they knew me. And that is what I cannot forgive. Rocky is cut off and is not among the people I love anymore and Liza I am going to let go too. They are not in my family anymore. As far as I am concern, after all I've done for Rocky with helping him start the Gay Historical  Society, getting him recognized in the Gay community, promoting him at Beyond Stonewall and ending my relationship with the Quakers because of my sense of loyalty to him. Robert Smith was about the only one at the council I could truly trust and count on.  Chuck was elected to be Vice Chair because the council cynically knew that he would do the grunt work.  Robert Smith who I also nominated was elected Secretary.  I  got a motion passed that smoking is prohibited in the main meeting during our business hours. I tried to get the plaque motion going to honor past officers but Neal Hoyt the asshole said it was a Stonewall Center issue while Donald Steward the pig said “Let them pay for it.”

8 December 1989 Friday

I had a disturbed peace this morning from the restless sleep I got last night. I am  still reeling from the slap to Chuck Whyte’s dedication to the council.  I dreamed that I told the council off.  We now have a squeaky clean all American boy image for the council again and a Gay Professional activist for the first time since he collects a pay check from the Utah AIDS Foundation.  I think the era of Gay volunteerism is closing and the era of Gay professionalism is beginning.  It’s a sad day when loyalty is replaced with politicking and self interest.  Well I finally caught the cold that is going around. Probably why I am so bitchy. After lunch I started sneezing and my nose was runny so here it is. I stayed home this evening. I stuffed myself silly with cornbread and pinto beans and Vitamin C pills. I wanted to see Sonia Johnson who is in town but just didn’t have the energy to go out into the cold. Luci Malin left a message on the phone answering machine saying that Sonia Johnson has received death threats, someone calling saying they will blow up the Mormon Queer. I wish I was feeling strong enough to be there and support Luci but I am tired. Worn out.

9 December 1989 Saturday

I certainly do have a cold. I am just worn out. I took the bus to 8^th and 9^th to get some groceries at Smith because I was all out. I don’t have a runny nose or anything. I am just worn down. I would have liked to have gone to hear Sonia Johnson last night but it’s quite impossible. I bought a coffee maker today- a twelve cupper. Mike Pipkin moved in with me today. Probably a mistake but I don’t care right now. He needed help. We went to David Sharpton’s “People With AIDS Coalition” Christmas Party. Lots of people there but just a few that I knew.  But I had a lot of fun talking with the women about social issues and being a Gay man.  Mike Pipkin went with me and I think enjoyed him self too. I’ve been missing Terry Johnson a lot today and I almost broke down and called him but I didn’t. He has my number too. 

10 December 1989 Sunday

It was supposed to have stormed and snowed this weekend but its been chilly and clear instead. I stayed home almost all day nursing my cold except going out in the afternoon to walk over to the Post Office. Nothing exciting there. Just a bill from Sears. Mike Pipkin had a date with a guy named Brandon Burt in the afternoon so I was home alone most of the evening. I didn’t want to do a show with Jim Rieger so I just said I was sick. Which I am. What are my thoughts? I don’t know. I’m kind of letting time swirl around me without anything really special  going on in my life. The Gordon Church- Michael Archuletta murder trial is in the news and I’ve been trying to follow that in the paper. I walked over to talk to Bobbie Smith while I was out but he had a “friend” over so he couldn’t visit. I got an Xmas card from Allan Peterson. That was strange. I suppose he is trying to build some of the bridges he burned last summer. I’m willing to let bygones be bygones but not with Rocky O’Donovan. He betrayed a trust and does not deserve my loyalty anymore. I wrote out some Xmas cards today. I am sending Fran $50. She probably can use it.  I really can’t think about much more to write about. Communism is coming apart at the seams in Eastern Europe and events are happening much too fast to be absorbed properly. What is going on? God’s inscrutable will is poured out upon the people of Europe this holiday season. Funny I don’t seem to care about much of anything or anyone right now. There’s no music in my soul, no joy in my feet and no happiness in my heart; with all that I have I am contented least. 

11 December 1989 Monday

I’m feeling better but damn its cold outside. I didn’t do much at school all day except practice the 5^th grade Christmas play. At home I didn’t do anything but work on mid term progress reports. Mike Pipkin had his friend Brandon Burt over. I watched a tremendous Designing Women’s episode called “They Shoot Fat Women don’t they?  Truly it doesn’t matter how much we have or how we look, but how we feel about ourselves and how we treat each other. Tomorrow is the last full moon of the 1980’s.

12 December 1989 Tuesday-

It was a cold, Cold day again. Yuck! I finished up mid-terms today. The kids are doing a whole lot better. I had a crisis meeting after school concerning a possible teacher’s strike in January. I donated $10 to the Union as well as my regular dues. In the evening Mike Pipkin and I walked down to Unconditional Support tonight to be with Bobbie Smith who is leading the group now.  He led a meeting on dating and it was a pretty good meeting but small.  Mike, Bobbie, John Goodman, Rick Eden, Jerry Lars, Willie Goodman, another Mike, and a guy named Wayne attended tonight.  There were three men at the meeting including myself who were school teachers. That was fun. Willie Goodman is holding a Christmas dance and dinner at Affirmation. That should be fun. I’ll be in California.

13 December 1989 Wednesday

I made plans to have a substitute tomorrow since I am so worn down from the play rehearsals and the kids being so wild as Christmas approaches. Brandon’s mother came in this morning all hot under the collar because of the F I gave him at mid-term. She said, ”I don’t understand how he can go from being an A student to failing. I am taking him out of your class.” So when I left school I took all of Brandon’s grades home to figure them out for a confrontation on Friday. Oh Well. Mike Pipkin went to the beer bust at Radio City tonight and I went up to OSH to cruise but nothing was going on.  When I got home Jeff Wood had called and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the show with him. It was late but since I knew I wasn’t going to work tomorrow, we went to the ten o’clock showing of Steel Magnolias. I loved it and laughed and cried. Jeff liked it too. I just held him in the theater because we were basically alone. It was after midnight by the time I got home and Mike had just gotten home himself so I stayed until one talking about life in general. I hope it works out between Mike and me. As long as he keeps working I think it will. 

14 December 1989 Thursday

I was up at six to call work and tell them I wasn’t coming in and that they needed a sub for me. It’s the first time I’ve called in sick this year and I needed the break. Jim Rieger’s friend Kent is up from California to help Jim move out this weekend. I’m not certain what his last day is. I went and had my beard timed and hair cut and then went to the grocery store. I really didn’t do a whole lot. I had a phone call from the phone company this morning saying that if I didn’t pay my phone bill from last July that my bill would be turned over to collections. I really thought I had paid that bill and the strangest part is that they said that they had sent several statements to my P.P Box which is weird because while they had the correct address, I  have never received a single notice. It was only $40 and I didn’t mind paying it off, which I did right away, but I do think it’s kind of strange. Willie Marshall picked Mike and me up about seven to take us to the Metropolitan Community Church’s spaghetti dinner. I didn’t eat the spaghetti but I did donate $3 anyway. Chuck Whyte wanted me to sign off the signature card for the bank account of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council which I did. He also told me that I had accidently tape recorded the whole election from last Thursday and he heard all the mean things that Donald Steward said about him. He was rather upset. Lennie Fisher was at the dinner. It was fun seeing him again. He was the first person I really got to know in the Gay Community before I was even a part of it. It was a nice evening and we were home by nine. Beck Moss was over at the apartment  to see Jim Rieger before he leaves to move back to California. They were visiting and I was sitting in the front room, when Jim started in on the Stonewall Center Committee again. I had had it with his negativity and I lambasted him and we got into a shouting match. He accused me of not supporting him in the community and I said you don’t even know how often I defended you against criticism in this community. Anyway rather than fight anymore I went to bed. 

15 December 1989 Friday

I told Brandon’s mother today that the reason he doesn’t do well in my class is because he only turns in about half his work and that I wanted her to monitor his daily assignments. I threw the responsibility back on her. Mr. Stanger said he thought I handled the whole thing excellently. Oh well. At home Mike Pipkin said that he was invited to a party out in Riverton and asked if I wanted to go. I thought “why not meet new people” so we went out with Willie Marshall and his boyfriend Lars. I brought a bottle of rum that Steve Barker gave me from his trip to Haiti. I was getting drunk on rum and coca cola. Since I didn’t know any of the people there I just decided to be my old gregarious self.  However when Willie and Lars left at ten, I left with them rather than stay at the party with Mike. I was not sure how I’d get home. It was probably just as well I went home and it felt good to be safe and snug in my own bed and in from being out in the cold.

16 December 1989 Saturday

I am so glad I went home last night because the weather turned nasty and it snowed really heavily. Jim Rieger moved out today. He was just going to leave his bed but I paid him $75 for it. I didn’t want to take an underhanded advantage of him. I may not agree with Jim on most things but I’d never want to cheat him. I went over to the post office and found a letter from Mark Lamar with my minister’s license from the Church of Unconditional Alliance and Support for Gays and Lesbians in it. How fun! I also had a Christmas card from Terry Johnson.  That melted my heart and I began to miss him all over again. So I called Terry today and we are getting together  on Monday. He’s not well either. He said he has a disease which is causing his muscles to deteriorate.  Jim Rieger just barely left for good when the meeting for the Political Coalition and Caucus began at four. I barely had time to straighten up and of course Jim left in a whirlwind, not cleaning or anything. He just took his stuff and left. I baked an Apple Brown Betty with red hots cinnamon candy in it for Curtis Jensen’s birthday party before the Political Meeting began. A man named Doug Wortham, John Martin, Rocky O’Donovan, Willie Marshall, Bob Waldrop, David Nelson, his friend Andy Dalrymple, Liza Smart, Luci Malin, Rhonda Nielsen, Brenda Voisard, Mike Pipkin and his friend Russ, Steve Oldroyd, David Kessler, and more who I can’t remember right now were at the meeting. We discussed our various Agendas and what we hoped would be a purpose and why we each came to the meeting and hoped to get out of it. It was a very good introductory meeting. Curtis Jensen had to leave early for his own party because the meeting lasted until six. We agreed to each bring our agendas when we meet again next January the 6^th at four  again in my Apartment. I love the dialog we had and think that we got off to a good start. Bob Waldrop suggested we form a “Gays for Dan Marriott” club because he is so conservative and it would piss him off. Any way Mike’s friend Russ, Mike and I went to Curtis’ party. Russ‘s a sweet man. He has “ARC” and is kind of thin but good looking. Curtis hugged me when we arrived and said to me we don’t see each other enough. Curtis is 23 years old now. I knew him since he was 19. A lot of growing up in those four years. Me too. I brought a bottle of wine and my brown betty to the party and proceeded to get drunk. There were lots of young pretty boys at the party saying “oh gross” at everything and chain smoking cigarettes. Gag me. Anyway I decided if I can’t date any of them I can at least intimidate them which I proceeded to do. That was a lot of fun. I ignored Becky Moorman and snubbed Rocky O’Donovan at the party as they are on my shit list. Chris Brown called form New York City to wish Curtis a happy birthday. Chris said that he heard that Dolly Parton is dating this woman and contributes to the Lambda Defense fund as a confirmed Lesbian. Interesting side note.  Anyway Mike, Russ, and I left about midnight and Russ and I slept together. Nothing unsafe; just a lot of kissing and masturbating. It felt good to be sleeping again with someone curled up in my arms. Laying with him, I wished that I had healing hands to take away this disease from Russ but since I don’t I will just love him as another human being and be grateful for the time we had together. Change and decay in all the world I see Oh Thou who changest not abide with me.

17 December 1989 Sunday

Willie Marshal came by and took Mike Pipkin, Russ and I to the Metropolitan Community Church. I really don’t get much out of MCC services anymore. It is way too highfaluting, too much pomp and circumstance, for my taste but I enjoy seeing people from the community there. The meeting must be having about seventy five people or more attending now but it’s way too long, two hours and I am use to the Quakers 45 minutes meetings. Anyway Russ, and Mike went out for brunch while I stayed home. Mike’s done such a nice job rearranging the furniture and fixing the place up..   I have been eating a lot of corn bread and beans lately. I’m so old fashion that way.  I tried to take a nap but Jim Rieger’s young friend Alan came over. He didn’t know that Jim had moved. I visited a little with him because I think he was lonesome. There’s so much less tension here now with Jim Rieger gone. After Alan left Jeff Wood came over about five and wanted me to go to the movies with him but I said I had to go do a radio program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians instead. He was in a funny mood giving off a horny vine so I gave him a body massage and after Mike, Russ, and Brandon Burt left to go to Radio City  I ate Jeff out. Royally. He loved it. Anyway, Jeff left happier than when he came and then Becky Moss came and picked me up at seven thirty. We were at KRCL’s station until nine. We let Jim Rieger’s Xmas  show stand without any alterations. We did an end of the year program so we don’t have to return on Xmas Eve. I couldn’t anyway because I’ll be in California. After the taping we went up to Federal Heights to pick up a book that we’re reviewing so we can do a program with its author. I was home about ten fifteen  and I went to bed as soon as I could. It was a strange weekend and Mike is sleeping in the small bedroom now.

18 December 1989 Monday

This is going to be the week from hell. Tonight I went over to see Terry Johnson. Tomorrow I’m leading the Unconditional Support meeting. Wednesday I’m writing up the minutes for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council. Thursday evening will be the Xmas play for parents and Friday I’ll be on my way to California. This is almost a deed week at school because the kids are too wired and are completely unteachable, just like when school gets out in the summer. When I got off work I walked to Albertson’s on 2^nd and 4^th and bought a carton of Marlboro soft pack at $15 for a Christmas gift for Terry. I also gave him a card with $20 in it. I took the 3^rd East bus out to 1400 South to his place. It was so cold. Terry said he wasn’t feeling well and that he had had a seizure yesterday. I asked him if he thought about being tested for AIDS. He’s been so sick since I have known him. I wonder. Anyway he had his brother’s car because his truck was reprocessed. He took me back home so I didn’t have to take the bus. There we visited and held each other. Terry is a part of a circle of people I do love. It was almost eleven before I was able to get to bed

19 December 1989 Tuesday-

Today is Mike Pipkin's 29th birthday.  School went by fairly fast with the Sixth Grade’s Christmas Pageant in the afternoon. I was upset that Mrs. Fisher would put on a full blown nativity Christmas play with shepherds, angels, the whole works. The only redeeming feature was they used the word minister instead of Bishop. Otherwise I would have considered a law suit. This a public school, not Sunday School, or even a parochial school. Oh Well. After school I came home and took a nap before getting ready for Unconditional support. Robert wanted me to lead the meeting tonight because he was exhausted. I did it on Gay morality and ethics. It was a small turn out. Lennie Fisher and Doug Winkler were new faces at the meeting. I ended the meeting about eight forty five and walked home with Lennie. Mike was taken out to dinner by Allan; one of his many beaus. We talked a little before Lennie left and I went to bed around ten. I got an Xmas card from John Reeves and from my sister Charline Wachs today. John said he found a good support group in Boston. A week from now Xmas will be over and I’ll be on my way back home to Utah from California, Ho Ho Ho. I wonder what Billy Bikowski is doing this year?  I don’t know if I still love him anymore or it’s just a bad habit. The Cold War is ending and peace is about to break out unless Bush and his CIA cronies so something stupid. He was taken out to dinner by one of his beaus.

20 December 1989 Wednesday

President Bush did something stupid. He invaded Panama in violation of international treaties and the War Power Act. I can’t believe it. American troops are in Panama and are being killed for what? So that Bush won’t look like a wimp? I can’t believe we are in Panama. On Monday Panama declared a state of war existed between them and us because of our involvement in last October’s attempt to overthrow Noriega. The CIA put him in power in the seventy’s and now they want him out.Busy day at school with a dress rehearsal for the fifth grade Christmas Play. Tomorrow is the big day. Kevin McCloskey said he wouldn’t be able to make it to California so I guess it will be bus city for me. I know it’s way too late to take a plane. At home tonight I spent a quiet evening trying to get my bedroom put together after moving everything into the large room that Jim Rieger vacated.

21 December 1989 Thursday-

The Winter solstice began today. At school we had two performances for the lower grades and the upper grades and evening performance for the parents. So the entire day was pretty well spent around the play. The kids really came through when they needed to and while it was hectic I was really proud of the stinkers. I went home at three to get away and to get something to eat before then taking a five thirty bus back to Orchard. The evening performance of the Little Red School House in front of all the parents was our tour de force. The play went on without a hitch. The kids were excited, the parents beaming, and Mr. Stanger very pleased with our efforts. Mrs. Day’s husband gave me a ride back into Salt Lake City so I didn’t have to wait out in the cold to catch a bus. Downtown the bustling crowds were everywhere and the twinkling lights were so Faerie like.  Anyway I drew some money out of the bank and went to Albertson’s to buy some cookies for tomorrow’s “cast party” for the kids. I finally was home about nine. It was a long, tiresome, but exciting day. I am so glad the plays are finally over. I talked to Michael Pipkin some today because he was kind of bummed out. He thinks he has scabies and may have infected Brandon Burt and Alan. He’s rearranged the apartment again and its really cute. I went to bed by nine thirty exhausted.

22 December 1989 Friday-

First full day of Winter. The kids were so wired today. We just had the fifth grade all come into my room and watched the Incredible Journey which I had just finished reading to my class. That took most of the morning and after that I had my class clean the room and take down all the Christmas decorations to take home and worked on some holiday puzzles. After lunch we had a small party with sprite and cookies. Finally school was out at one twenty. I left school at one forty five and was so exhausted when I got home. So I took a nap at two and slept until Bobbie Smith came over at three. He brought me some Christmas presents; the sweet thing. One was a bunch of Uncle Scrooge comics! I loved it. That really made me happy. Anyway I went down town with him and went to Valley Bank to pull out some money for the trip to California. There the fuckers wouldn’t let me because they said I had to have two signatures to withdraw money from the Delta Account. I explained that I had set up the account where I was the principle signer and if anyone else signed they had to have two signatures. Well it never got put on the card that way and with the account being transferred to a new branch the bottom line was that I couldn’t access my money. I was so furious that I wanted to cry but then decided well maybe I’m not supposed to go home for Christmas. I am really tired but I am still mad at Valley Bank and I am going to take out all my funds as soon as I can. I wanted to cry coming home and I don’t know if it was from being frustrated at Valley Bank or disappointed over not going home. When Mike Pipkin came home from work I told him I wasn’t going home and it’s probably fate. So I gave him a one pound box of See’s Candies and he just devoured it. Then Bobbie Smith came over later and offered me two hundred dollars so I could go home. I just hugged him and thanked him. That really touched my heart but I told him I am resigned to not be going home for the holidays. There must be a reason for it. So I talked to Mike this evening about conditions regarding living with me if he planned on staying here. I said he must take out the trash everyday and be responsible for cleaning the bathroom every Saturday. I’m going to only charge him $100 but he must pay half the phone bill and the utilities. He agreed but he later got wasted smoking pot with his friend Russ. Later tonight I read Russ’s medicine cards. His main totem was a Dolphin, representing Kindness and playful energy  Interesting. In the news wqe are still fighting in Panama and they are unable to capture Noriega.

23 December 1989 Saturday

I got up early around seven to do the dishes and clean up a little. Michael Pipkin got up about eight and started getting high right away with beer and pot. I told him that I was glad he’s here so that I can see what I’d be like if I was practicing my disease. He was too high to get my sardonic remark. About eleven I walked over to the post office and then over to Bobbie Smith’s place on Delmar Court by the Greek Orthodox Church.  I wanted to use his phone to call home and let them know I wasn’t coming. Mom sounded so disappointed that I began to cry and regretted my decision. So I called her back and said I’d be on the ten fifteen bus tonight. Once I was resolved to go, I borrowed fifty dollars from Bobbie and had to go back home to make the arrangements. However first this morning at eleven I was in a protest march at the Federal Building to protest the invasion of Panama.  I was interviewed by a woman from Channel 2 News who remembered me from Gay Pride Day.  I didn’t get to see it on the ten o’clock news. Back at my place I did some wash and tried to pack. Mike went with Brandon Burt to Quickbeam a pagan Winter Solstice Ritual. I would have liked to have gone but had so much to do. I carried my shoulder bag and walked down to the bus terminal on South Temple where I bought a round trip ticket for $122. no one was there to see me off in the crowded station. It was a mess down there. My bus left at ten thirty. 

24 December 1989 Sunday

Around three in the morning we arrived in Beaver, Utah. There I was so surprised to see Jeff Sewell at the bus stop where people were allowed a bathroom break. He was coming up from  Arizona and I was going down to California. That was kind of neat and surprising. Ships that pass in the night. My butt is sore from sitting cramped up in my seat as the bus was crowded. Fortunately in Cedar City around four I was able to stretch out across the seat when several people got off the bus. I was never able to really sleep but did get to cat-nap some. The bus made more stops in St. George and Mesquite before arriving in Las Vegas at seven this morning. I was so travel weary and in Las Vegas we changed drivers and he was a real prick. At noon Utah time, the bus pulled into Victorville and I saw mom and dad waiting at the terminal but the Bus Driver wouldn’t stop and was getting ready to pull back onto the freeway. I said “Aren't you going to stop?” and he snarled at me “I don’t have anyone getting off at Victorville and I said “I’m getting off at Victorville! I bought a ticket to Victorville.” Well instead of going back to the station he made me get off about a half mile from the terminal and I had to walk back carrying my luggage. I was so mad. I lodged a complaint against him once I was back at the station. Even the station master said the bus driver should have taken me back but also said it was the ticket master in SLC’s fault for the guy who issued me my ticket wrote out my ticket for San Bernardino and had told me just to get off in Victorville. Anyway all’s well that ends well and I was able to connect up with Mom and Dad who had left but came back to get me. What a trip! I am so tired. Mom’s new house is beautiful but it still feels strange, however. It’s not Dale Street for sure. Anyway Mom and I had a nice visit about me being Gay. She said coming to Salt Lake this summer had really helped her get over it and she said my being Gay doesn’t bother her anymore. I was taking a shower when my uncle and aunt J.W. and Pauline Johnson arrived from Texas. It was really good to see them. My cousin Kay is still living at Shallow Water and my cousin John is farming a thousand acres in Fieldton. His son Christopher Johnson is in the air force or just getting out. It was a shock seeing my niece and nephew Denise Wachs and Michael Wachs as they are so tall and good looking. Denise is eighteen and engaged. She’s just gotten back from a trip she had won to Jamaica. Anyway only my nephew James was not up for Christmas Eve so I guess he is spending it with his friends. We had a nice Christmas meal including Grandpa Williams’ chili although I just ate beans and cornbread. All said and done it was nice to be home with my folks. I called John Cunningham but he wasn’t home. I also called Terry Johnson and he sounded wonderful and really upbeat. I guess the medicine he is taking is working. He went and was tested for HIV last Thursday and I think I will also when I get back to Salt Lake.

25 December 1989 Monday Christmas Day

Today was a very nice Christmas spent with my family. I slept in until seven thirty and then got up feeling more rested. When my sister Charline and her kids Denise and Michael came this morning, I fixed them a breakfast of biscuits and milk gravy  which is wat Denise wanted. We just visited most of the day catching up with our lives when Milton and Marie came around two thirty just in time for Christmas Dinner.  We had more food then we had good sense. I called John Cunningham again and got through this time. It was so good to hear his voice again. He said he had dislocated his shoulder and may have to give up his fireman job. He also said he wanted to move from California. I asked him to come stay with m for a while to see if he liked Utah. He said he might but I really doubt it. Wouldn’t that be a trip after these 20 years? Anyway after having a big old Williams dinner we just had a nice time spending the afternoon reminiscing about family occasions. I know Milton and Marie were glad to see me. The weather was super.

26 December 1989 Tuesday

I was up early about six thirty California time and watched some of the news. Noriega is hiding out in the Vatican Embassy in Panama City and the Romanian dictator and his wife were executed yesterday. What a strange and different world we are living in. I fixed J.W. ad Pauline and Mom and Dad a big breakfast this morning. Milton and Marie didn't get back over here until eleven this morning. That's when my sister Donna showed up with her boys Kenny Jones and Kevin. Jones.  Kenny is fourteen and taller than I am. Kevin is a nice looking kid too. He's in fourth grade. They are still pretty quiet and reserve around me but then they really don't know me. I really didn't have much to say to Donna. Maybe one of these days it will be different. Milton and Marie are completely accepting of me being Gay as I think Mom and Dad are, Marie told me that Charline knows I am Gay and if she knows then Donna does too. Rally didn't do much today except overeat. I'm glad I am going home tomorrow so I can give my stomach a rest. Its been pleasant here in California  but it feels strange that I'm not on Dale Street or in Orange County even. I thought about John Cunningham a lot today... my first real love and heart break. 

27 December 1989 Wednesday

Time really went fast today. Mom took me down to the Mervyn department store to exchange my sweaters that were too large and we then went out to lunch at some Mexican Restaurant. It was really good. I’ve had a nice time with my folks but it will be great to get back to my life in Utah and stop all this binge eating. I’m glad I came home even if I feel like I am catching a cold. It’s good to rebuild family ties. I am more than ever convinced that Albuquerque will be the place for me. Salt Lake is too much of a detour for my family to come visit while Albuquerque is between California and Texas. Anyway, I just visited until it was time for my folks to take me down to the bus depot. I hugged everyone goodbye and had them leave me there rather than sit around with me waiting to board the bus.  The Greyhound finally came around five California time and the rest of the evening was spent sitting on the bus traveling back to Utah. 

28 December 1989 Thursday

The bus arrived in Salt Lake City near seven in the morning Utah Time. It was so cold, foggy, and nasty out. I thought I’d freeze to death before walking the five blocks home to A Street. Mike got out of bed when I came home and we visited a little but mostly I just wanted to fall into my own bed. You can’t sleep on a bus and I know I have a cold. In the afternoon, I went over to the offices at the Covey and signed a lease until the first of June so that’s taken care of. I then went to the phone company to have a phone installed in my apartment. They said they’d turn service on this Saturday. I called Terry Johnson from the payphone to tell him that I was home and he said he’d come by tonight but he didn’t. Oh well. Not the first time he’s disappointed me. I just stayed home this evening and watched TV. There was nothing special on. My cold has settled in my chest. Ugh. I don’t feel horrible, just miserable.  Actually I am glad that Terry didn’t come over.

29 December 1989 Friday

I cleaned the place this morning before going up to the U of U to sit in the sauna. I stayed there over two hours trying to sweat out this cold. I was way too tired to do much today. About five thirty Terry Johnson came over and said he was sorry about not coming over last night but right after talking to me he got a phone call to come into work. He’s working tonight also but said he would come over tomorrow to spend the night.  I just stayed home and watch TV and the news. I am so glad the 1980’s are almost over. I don’t have any plans for New Year’s Eve. Terry said he’s coming over but I wont hold my breath. I’d kind of like to go to Backstreet out of tradition. I wonder how Billy Bikowski is doing? I don’t know why I should still care. May be its just this time of year we get nostalgic. Who knows? In the news U.S. Troops are still in Panama and Noriega is still in the Vatican Embassy. 

30 December 1989 Saturday

I rose early and then scrubbed the kitchen. When Mike Pipkin got up he cleaned the bathroom so he is keeping up with his part of the arrangement. Only time I went out tioday was to walk over to the Post Office. My pay check was in and a package from John Reeves. He sent me a "White Trash" cookbook. Mom collects cook books so I will send it on to her. for I couldn't really use it as It's mostly cooking with meat. However it was sweet to have sent it. Dave Malmstrom came over yesterday to sign a check so I can finally close out the Stonewall account. I think I will send $166 to Mark Lamar that he needs to cover the cost of his sitting up his church, but I need to get a little more control and get him to stop making financial obligations without my approval if he wants my involvement. Anyway the phone was never turned on today and Terry never came over either to spend the night. I'm sure he'll come up with some lame excuse this time too. Well it's soon to be a new year and a new decade. It is time to cut loose people who are draining my energies. Time to stop my co-dependency and being a care taker, I've been off sugar now for a day. I want to become sugar abstinent  completely this coming year. It was windy out today but it blew all the shit out of the air. Goodnight. 

31 December 1989 Sunday

A closure, not just to a year but to an entire decade. Time cleanses all wounds so philosophers say.  I’m sitting here in my front room alone, listening to Nancy Griffith’s “there’s a light beyond these walls, Margaret” and I am feeling a little melancholy. Mike Pipkin has had Brandon Burt over here all day so in the afternoon I went out to the movies and saw “War of the Roses” which I really enjoyed. Anyway I felt blah for most of the day and rather isolated from people. The phone wasn’t turned on yesterday like it was suppose to have been so I don’t know if anyone has been trying to get a hold of me or not. So ends the year. I have the sniffles and I’m not planning on going out. Backstreet will just have to carry on without me.  What are my feelings? I am feeling too much. I want to cry but sure why. Maybe because I need someone to hold me and say it’s going to be fine. Why isn’t Terry Johnson here to hold me? That’s all I needed from him. Maybe that was too much for him. I kind of would like to go to Affirmation but why I am not sure. It’s Duane Dawson’s Affirmation now and a strange to me. Just as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Steve Barker and his nephew Spencer Barker came over like a whirlwind and had me sign up for three thousand free bonus frequent flyer hours. What a trip they are. I have no idea what that was all about but it seemed to have made them happy. They told me that Walt Larabee is hosting a New Year’s Eve Party for Affirmation and that Bobbie Smith is sick with probably the same cold I have. I wish I had a phone to call some people and wish them happy New Years but Oh Well. What is, is.  God will keep them safe in her loving hands. No wonder I’m so melancholy I just remembered that thirteen years ago tonight I had asked Fran to marry me. What a strange journey

November 1989

1 November 1989 Wednesday

What a day! Mr. Unger tries to chew me out because I have the audacity to suggest that all the fifth grade children be allowed to be team captains and not just from his class. He said that I’ve made his class paranoid about this team captain thing. What an arrogant ass. Out of the eighteen teams, his class gets to be fourteen captains who get to choose who they want  on their team while my class got one and Mrs. Day’s class has three. Jacquie Rohrer came crying to me today because Mr. Unger’s girls had her tears and one of my boys was so upset that Mr. Unger said he started a fight with one of his kids’ captains, but I am the bad guy for making team captains an issue?  He thinks only the “excellent kids” should be captains and yet he allows ten year olds to decide who the excellent ones are. My Gawd hasn’t he ever red “Lord of the Flies/” I was so upset about it that I called Susan McCoy for advice and to see if I was off base on this one but she said “no way” and that I should jhold my ground on this one. She even thought I was giving in too much by letting Unger separate the boys from the girls. Unger is accusing me of not promoting class unity, sure as long as his class controls everything. It was another cold miserable day and I’m trying to catch a cold so I don’t feel well. Teaching school is a disease magnate. When I came home from getting a hair and beard trim, I bumped in to Jon Merrill in passing, and he said he saw Terry Johnson at the Radio City. I burst into tears upon the news. He can go to the bars but he can’t come see me? It’s over between us and I’m just out the $350. It was an expensive lesson but I think I learned it. I don’t lend money to lovers anymore because its my money, not me, they want. I knew I was a sucker when I gave him that money but I loved him and wanted to make him happy. Jim Rieger has his young nerd friends over and I just want to be left alone. 

2 November 1989 Thursday

I know I’m trying to get sick. I feel worn down and I broke a sweat in the middle of the night. At school Mr. Unger was sick too. I felt kind of sorry for him. I found out that it was Brandon who was in the fight yesterday and he said it didn’t have anything to do with being a captain or not. So I don’t think Unger was telling me the truth at all. This is the end of having fifth grade term. That’s kind of hard to believe but the time is passing. Next week is parent teacher’s conference week. Ugh! I borrowed a tape recorder from school today so I could tape the Community Council Meeting tonight because Jim Hunsaker never got back to me about the recorder he said he was going to donate. I got paid $890 today. They take over $500 out of my check each month. Anyhow I took a bus down to the Metropolitan Community Church for the meeting. It was a better turn out than last time. The by-law changes, to elect officers in December and not January, passed with only one objection.  That was from Neil Hoyt so I only have to do this for one more month. A motion was passed to limit the amount of time taken to give organizational reports to just one minute starting in January. A letter is supposed to be written to Ben Barr, thanking him for the donation of the computer to the council and another to Beau Chaine in recognition of his service to the Gay community in operating the Gay Helpline. I squashed an attacks on Beau’s character by saying we should be helping him not criticizing him. Garth Chamberlain wanted to push for a vote to not fund the helpline anymore but he didn’t get any support on that either. Dale Sorenson gave me a ride home. I told Bobbie Smith that I would teach a class at Unconditional Support on The Color of Love on the 21^st of this month.

3 November 1989 Friday

Career Ladder Day so no kids tiday. I took a later bus into work even. At work I mostly cleaned and rearranged my room by moving desks around of kids who should not be sitting next to each other. I did some Thanksgiving bulletin boards too. At one thirty Susan McCoy picked me up and we went to Skippers where we had fish and chips for lunch. It was fun visiting with her, comparing how things are going for each of us at our new schools this year. After I got home I deposited $150 into my savings account. I have $775 now. I would have had over a thousand if I wouldn’t have given that money to Terry Johnson. Speaking of Terry, he called me today and said he had been in jail with his brother David for the past couple of days for fighting with a cop. I don’t understand much of it but I told him to try and go through Beau Chaine to try and get his sentence reduced by doing community service.  I was kind of cool to him. I do miss him in a way but I’m not going to be used. I called Jeff Wood up to see if he wanted to go out to see a movie. He had a date but asked me to go with them. I met his date Tracy and he’s an absolute doll, 27 years old and beautiful but Jeff is afraid to be in love. We went out to eat at the Indian Navajo place. I just had a coke because there wasn’t anything there vegetarian. I just visited with the two of them. I am starved for intellectual stimulation after being surrounded by elementary kids all the time. We decided to rent some videos but back at my place Jim Rieger had his nerd friends watching “A Polish Vampire in Burbank”. Tracy and Jeff didn’t stay long after the fact that  we couldn’t watch a movie and I went to bed by ten thirty. Two of Jim Rieger;s friends are crashing here at my place.

4 November 1989 Saturday

It was kind of a fun day. I spent most of it running around with Jeff Wood. We went to the swap meet at the State Fairgrounds and comparison shopping for a cordless phone. I asked him if he wanted to watch the movies we didn’t get to watch yesterday and he said sure. He wanted to invite this guy, Steven, who was a really nice guy, over too. Jeff is the first to admit that he’s not ready to settle down yet. Both Trace and Steven are darling guys. We ordered a pizza and just had the nicest time watching “Boys In the Band”, a pre-Stonewall Gay film, and Lust In the Dust with Tab Hunter and Divine. It was nice to have company over again and people who actually like me unlike Jim Rieger and his nerdy straight friends. I asked Terry Johnson to come over and join us and while he said he would, he didn’t. I’m done with him. I guess he’s done with me too. Jim Rieger’s friends went out to see the Animation Film Festival so I had the place to myself for most of the night. What is going on around me? Being with Jeff makes me realize how much I miss the company of Gay people. Terry took me away from that by saying I was too Gay, even if I was getting more Gay sex than ever before. Terry is moving to a house on 3^rd East and 1300 South. Goodbye my love, goodbye.

5 November 1989 Sunday

It was a lazy lounge about kind of day. I don’t feel too terrific besides. I am trying to fight off a cold I think. I finished all my kids’ report cards but other than that didn’t do much else.  I called my Uncle Milton Williams on his 55^th birthday. It was good to talk to both Milton and Marie and told them I loved them. I guess they are going to be moving from California to Sedona, Arizona just south of Flagstaff. They bought an acre and a half lot there and are going to build on it from money Marie’s father left her. They want mom and Dad to move there also. I don’t think you could blast them out of California. Anyway other than that I really didn’t do much else. Only time I went out today was to walk over to the Post Office. I saw Jon Merrill at the Radio City. Steve Oldroyd dropped by the evening for a little bit. I didn’t do a radio program tonight. I really didn’t want to be with Jim and I really didn’t want to leave the apartment. East Germans are exodusing to West Germany in droves. Change is happening everywhere. I definitely am moving from this place in January. I don’t want to pay this much in rent because I want to buy a car in December.

6 November 1989 Monday

Dark short gloomy days are upon us. I get up at six and its pitch black outside. I stumble into the shower, feed Billy cat, make myself ultra-slim milk shake, grab my stuff and I’m off into the cold.  I catch my seven o-five Centerville bus and am usually the only passenger. Getting off at Orchard and Center Street, I walk to the Walker Gas and Convenient Store where I fill up my mug with a mixture of cherry and diet coke for thirty one cents. That is how I usually start out my work days. At school, I got chewed out by Mr. Stanger the principal for leaving early last Friday. That really made me mad and I let him know that I spent this past weekend doing grades and shopping for school supplies for my classroom. Hell, why doesn’t he put me on a time clock? I don’t have to be at work until eight and I am always there by seven twenty in the morning at least thirty minutes before I have to be. I never take a lunch break or my two recess breaks but stay in my room working. My contract time is up at three thirty five but I always stay until three forty five or later like today when I stayed unto five forty five. However I missed my bus and I didn’t catch another one until six thirty so it was six forty five before I got home. I’ve made up my mind to buy a car in December if not sooner. I’m tired of having no freedom. I think I will buy a Toyota Pick Up truck. Tomorrow starts Parent Teacher’s Conference Week. I have to stay late on Thursday. I’m getting burned out I think. In the news Utah is trying to get the Winter Olympics and the East German Government is on the verge of becoming non communist state like Hungary and Poland have already done. Strange Happenings. Bobbie Smith left a note on my door saying he was going up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I should have gone but I am too tired. I will be in New Mexico this time next year. The words New Mexico sound exciting to me. I want some excitement in my life. I’m sick of Mormons, especially the Mr., Unger type of being passive aggressive. He acts all friendly and innocent until you bump  up against him and his little Mormon world is threatened. I’m going to move in January too. I wonder if I know how much I am in debt anymore? I think I owe Leavitz Furniture $600, Sears $600, Visa $900, and the IRS $1300. I really think that’s about it.  I pay $350 in rent, $30 in utilities, $30 for a phone, and about $130 in groceries.

7 November 1989 Tuesday

At school today, the power went out for about an hour. I don’t know why. My room has one window but Mrs. Day’s room was pitch black. Today was parent teacher’s conference and half day for the kids.  I stayed until four forty five and then missed my bus again. It sure is making me more and more want to get a car of my own. I finally got home about five forty five. I was just too tired to face going out into the cold to walk down to Unconditional Support tonight. I mainly lounged around in my night shirt, taped some music, read from my journals, and felt my fat cells multiply. What’s it all about Alfie? Jeff Wood dropped by when I was already in bed but I got up to visit with him for a little. He wants me to move in together after my lease is up here. Maybe. He’s such a mess but I really like him. 

8 November 1989 Wednesday

One week into the month already. It was chilly today and I don’t like being out in the cold so that Mr. Unger can feel like a kid and act like a big shot with his class who call him “Sir” instead of Mr. Unger. His wife Mrs. Unger is an assistant secretary here and while she is nice, they talk the LDS Church the whole time they are together. Yuck! I typed up a letter to send to the YMCA about getting my $150 deposit back. I stayed until three forty five with Parent Teacher’s Conference this afternoon. This one student said to his mother “If I stay with Mr. Williams, I’m going to get real smart.” That touched my heart. Most of the mothers tell me that their kids really like my class. That’s not what I live for but it’s a gage for me to determine whether I am being unreasonable in my expectation of these children. I can’t get through to them if they don’t like me. Anyway when I was at home, Liza Smart called me to visit, She wants to run for an office in the community council and wants some advice. I think a great ticket would be Chuck Whyte, Liza Smart, and Bobbie Smith. Anyway we are going to get together the day after Thanksgiving to go looking at pickup trucks. I am going to buy me a Toyota truck. Yes I am. After talking to Liza, I took a bus up to the U of U and sat in the sauna for about two hours. It felt wonderful. I weighed in at 198 pounds just under 200 but one binge could push me over the top. I miss Terry Johnson more than I realize or at least miss his love making.

9 November 1989 Thursday

What a strange twist in history. The Berlin Wall in effect came down today. The East German Government said that East Germans are now free to travel to the west. Marvelous. I wonder what is really going on? Governments are falling all over Eastern Europe. Is it the beginning of a major economic collapse or the beginning of something wonderful? So far President Bush has done nothing but sit on his thumbs while the world changes around over our heads. Who is master minding this? I put in an eleven and a half hour day today with parent teacher conferences all afternoon and evening. However tomorrow I will only have a couple. I’d like to leave early but I have so much to do and Stanger would probably be watching.  The weather isn’t bad for late fall and the temperature is fifty degrees. Still no snow since the 28^th of last month. I’m going to bed tonight at about nine fifteen. I’m tired and it’s time to hit the sack I’m so excited for the Germans. They are an exciting race. I am thinking of my German friend Mark Brinkerhaus and wondering what he must be thinking.

10 November 1989 Friday

I’m so glad that Parent Teachers Conference is over. I stayed until about three forty five too let old Stanger know that I am a professional and I always stay until I get the job done. Some teachers left at one twenty today when they didn’t have any more conferences. The Utah Education Association is talking about a strike this coming January. Yuck! Because I had the place to myself, I videotaped TV shows tonight since Jeff Wood never called to do anything. At eleven I walked down to the Radio City just to get out of the house, It was dead and boring with only bar flies there so I came back home. I was in bed late around midnight,

11 November 1989 Saturday

I slept in late until eight thirty before getting up to clean the apartment. About eleven thirty I took a bus down to Smiths on 8^th and 9^th to look at renting some videos to tape for my kids. I got “Mr. Magoo’s America”, “Johnny Tremain”, and “the Incredible Journey”. About four thirty I finally made it over to Bobbie Smith’s place where I picked up some movies from him to tape. I also got some movies of my own at Smith’s to watch; “Sweet Lorraine”, “The Milegro Beanfield War” and “1969”. It was kind of a lazy do nothing day. It was a nice day though. The Berlin Wall is gone and East Germans are free to go back and forth across the border. So grateful to God and his sweet spirit that moves within us towards freedom and peace.

12 November 1989 Sunday-

It was a beautiful warm day for it almost being the middle of November. It was almost seventy degrees outside. Jim Reiger has been gone all weekend. That’s been nice. I just lounged around the place most of the morning watching videos. I watched Sweet Lorraine with Maureen Stapleton in it. It was okay and kind of charming, but out of the three I rented, the Milegro Beanfield War was the best. It was filmed in New Mexico and it was beautiful. Anyway I also watched Cruising and Zorro the Gay Blade. About one thirty I walked down to Smiths to return the videos. There are no busses on Sunday so it was a long tiring walk of probably four miles. But it was beautiful out so I didn’t mind. It was nice walking weather. The tree leaves are bright yellow and scattered all over the ground, making a crispy crunchy sound as I walked on them. I went by the house where Terry Johnson used to live and I became melancholy for him and for Billy Bikowski. At home I got Frank Fatah’s phone number from Dan Fahndrich on the pretense of wanting James Conrad’s address. When I called the number, Billy’s sweet, deep rich voice was on the answering machine. I didn’t bother leaving a message but just hung up. Later while walking over to Bobbie Smith’s place to go with him to Backstreet for the Unity Show, I saw Terry Johnson’s truck parked in front of the Radio City. So I went inside and spoke to him and asked how he was and then I kissed him goodbye. I cried all the way over to Bobbie’s. I must be on my period. I’ve been so sensitive about everything so much lately. Any way Bobbie and I worked the door for the Unity Show Fundraiser. I only stayed until nine thirty and we made about $370 by then for the community council.  The show was dedicated to Satu Servigna of the Triangle Magazine but evidently she was too ill to attend. She can't take the smoke.  It was rather fun being out and about again I must admit.  I’ve been a recluse I think. There’s this 22 year old kid named Mike Miller who is after me. So I told Bobbie who works with him to go a head and encourage him to call me. Lots of community support for the Unity Show.  Chuck can feel proud.

13 November 1989 Monday

It must have been moon madness or my period, who knows, that drove me to call Billy Bikowski this evening before going to bed. He was cold, distant, and weird so we kept our feelings distant. He said he’s carving balustrades for the Salt Lake Mormon Temple. Ha! Oh the irony. The bastards would not let Billy set foot in their temple for being Gay and yet they are willing to take his art and skills. Well goodbye again Billy. How many times have I said that? I think this time it’s a wrap. There was no heart pain. I think I just called him to measure my rate of recovery. Terry was a great experience for me if it did nothing else but helped me get over Billy. “Serene, I fold my hands and wait.” Again. Work was tiring mostly because I was tired from getting to bed late last night. After coming home, I fixed some cheese enchiladas and then Bobbie Smith called me to ask if I was going to Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I hadn’t been there in what seemed a million years so I agreed to go with him. Joe Dewey, George Marshall, Curtis Jensen, and the regular gang of immature bitchy do nothings were there. Oh Well. They will grow up some day, maybe. They were supposed to have shown a movie tonight but it was after eight fifteen before they got their act together. I was tired and left at eight forty five and decided to just walk home. That’s when I called Billy.

14 November 1989 Tuesday

I am just worn out at school, The kids were so rowdy and I’m tired and it’s so fucking could out. I hate it. As I came home, Mike Pipkin was walking up the hill. He came to get his things that he left here and he’s going to be staying with Willie Marshall. He is still out of work, I went to Unconditional Support tonight and Bobbie did a lesson on the Mattel Toy Company Personality Test. It was a small group but fun. Better than Lesbian and Gay Student Union for sure. Mike Conner gave me a ride home and I’m going to bed at nine. Times they are a-changing. Chuck Whyte called and wanted me to write a blurb for the Triangle. Yuck. Goodnight Sweet Prince- me.

15 November 1989 Wednesday

It’s hard to believe tat this month is half over but it is. The kids at school are doing colonial crafts and we are pushing the Christmas play now. Next week is Thanksgiving. I typed up the Gay and Lesbian Community Council minutes and an article for the Triangle on the Unity Show. After staying late at school I took a bus home and then one over to Satu Servigna’s to drop of the minutes and the Unity Show article; so I didn’t get home until after six. I had some enchiladas for dinner and just stayed home to write out bills finally and to do all the kids’ Scholastic book orders. That was an all nighter too. But I did go to be by nine thirty. Nothing much else is happening.

16 November 1989 Thursday

I received a new student today so I have exactly thirty-five  now. And I had just run off all my Social Studies worksheets on the mimeograph so now I will have to run off more. I am just worn out especially with Brian, Chris, Nathan, Phillip and Nick, my main troubles. They monopolize the majority of my time with their disruptive behavior. Anyway at home I straightened up the front room and was surprised to hear from Terry Johnson. I really thought that was over. Visiting, I told him about a nice rug that was thrown out by the dumpster so he came over to get it. I also gave him some dishes, my old toaster and can opener for his place. He wants to do something for Thanksgiving. I think he’ll want me to come over there but I want to do something here. Well we are getting together tomorrow. He does excite me. I wanted to go to bed early but didn’t make it until after ten. Oh Well.

17 November 1989 Friday

From now until Christmas Vacation it is going to be crazy at school. Monday I have my evaluation also. I am doing it on Cinquains. I am starting a new book to read to my kids after lunch. It’s the Incredible Journey. At home I just cleaned up some and stayed home. Terry Johnson wanted to come over so we watched some TV together and I fixed him some dinner. Later we went into the bedroom and fucked. Its been a while. He didn’t spend the night afterwards. I do want Terry to be a big part of my life but I’m not willing for him to be all of it. I talked to Jeff Wood some today. He’s moved into an apartment near Liberty Park. I’ve decided for sure to have Thanksgiving here at my place.

18 November 1989 Saturday

Today is Russ Lane’s birthday and I believe he is thirty three years old. I tried calling him but he’s moved and his number is disconnected. I went grocery shopping and spent $45 on items for Thanksgiving and I still have to get the turkey. Mike Pipkin came over this evening. He said he’s got a job at Nature’s Way Café near Liberty Park. He spent the evening here and crashed here. Terry Johnson came over to watch some TV. He took me down to Albertson’s on 2^nd South where I bought a 23 pound turkey for sixty cents a pound. We also went over to his new place he’s renting for $130 a month. It doesn’t look like much on the outside but it’s not too bad inside. We made out a little but nothing serious. We came back to my place and watched some videos. I saw “Parting Glances” for the first time. I loved it.

19 November 1989 Sunday

I walked down to Metropolitan Community Church with Mike Pipkin for church today. It was good to be with Gay people again and to get out. The spirit was strong at church. After the service Bruce Harmon took me aside and said that he’s running for Emperor next year for the Royal Court and said he wants the court to get out of the AIDS business and put more money back into the community especially the Stonewall Center. I don't know what he wants from me but I am sure it will be something. Rod Shepherd and Neil Hoyt came over about five thirty to discuss Beyond Stonewall for next year. We talked about an hour about what they would be getting in to and what I expect out of it. We will meet next Sunday at four to plan some more. At seven I went to KRCL with Jim Rieger and we put together two shows one about Mike Bryant’s book "There's A Damn Good Life after testing Positive" and one with Becky Moss. I guess I will be going over to Becky’s for Thanksgiving from eleven to three before doing a buffet at my place. Jim Rieger is moving back to California permanently in December so in less than a month I’ll be free at last. Ugh then the bills! Oh Vey! I met a nice guy at Radio City named Wayne Elliott tonight. I’m going to call him Tuesday to talk about getting together.

20 November 1989 Monday

I had my evaluation with today and Mr. Stanger was making me mad because he was so nitpicky. I have no idea why he hired me since there’s little I do that pleases him. Oh well he’ll get his in the end of the school year when we get to evaluate him. Last night Jim Rieger woke me up from playing his stupid Christmas music so loud. Finally about eleven thirty I got up and asked him to turn it down. Inconsiderate ass. So I didn’t get much rest for today. Anyway at home I spent the evening making three pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving. I called Terry Johnson before going to bed . He said something is wrong with his truck and it won’t start. Oh Well. It’s always something with him. I can’t help him out this time. Why is Terry’s karma so bad? What could he do to change it? Anything?

21 November 1989 Tuesday

We had our Pilgrim Fair today. The kids really looked cute. It was foggy today. I guess we are having an inversion. At home I made three more pies, coconut cream, pumpkin cream, and Rocky Road. I straightened up the place getting ready for the big day. Wayne Elliott called me and said he might drop by on Thursday for Thanksgiving and that he would call me on Saturday to do something. We visited a little and he sounded like a real nice guy. John Reeves called me from Boston just to visit. He said it was twenty degrees back there and winter has really set in. Chris Brown is coming up from New Mexico for Thanksgiving. He had moved there to be with a boyfriend. Terry Johnson called me after that to say that it will cost $1400 to get his truck fix it so I’m sure he’s going to let it go back to the creep who sold it to him. He’s also making suicidal noises. I don’t want to even deal with that. Russ Lane called me even later and said he’s moving December 1^st to Mexico City to teach English. Well I guess I can truly shut the door on that era of my life. Russ Lane what a strange and wonderful adventure you were. 

22 November 1989 Wednesday

I had the kids do their bean mosaics today and I think they turned out really nice. Mr. Stanger redeemed himself today by coming into my classroom and telling the kids what a good teacher they had in me and the kids responded back saying how much they were learning from me. That really touched my heart. I spent the evening home straightening up the place and getting things ready for tomorrow, I peeled yams, potatoes, and some apples. Jim Rieger won’t even clean up his bedroom which guests will have to pass through to get to the bathroom. Pisses me off.

23 November 1989 Thursday Thanksgiving

Most of the day I just took it easy and was kind of tired. I was up at six to put the turkey in to cook. Jim Rieger’s friend Brian from Long Beach, California came in before that this morning. While they were still sleeping I called Mom. She said Charline and her family were up along with my Aunt Minnie Lee Williams. She also said that my Aunt and Uncle Pauline and J W Johnson were coming out for Christmas this year. They hadn’t been out for nearly fifteen years or more. I also called my ex-wife Fran Williams. She’s having dinner with her boyfriend Vince. In the late afternoon, Mike Pipkin dropped over. He’d already started drinking and he said he’s been out all night tramping around. Well dinner really began about six. Rick Eden came over first, then Jim Rieger’s friend Alan, and the others came after them; Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Smith, Troy Lunt, Steve Oldroyd. David Peterson and his friend, Don Penrose and Doug Fenstermacher, Steve Barker and Spencer Barker, Jim Rieger and his friend Brian, Garth Chamberlain and his friend Janet, Becky Moss and Catherine Clark, Willie Marshall and his friend Lynn, Wayne Elliott, Jeff Wood, Jim Hunsaker, and Chris, Butch, and Russ all kids from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union who I didn’t know their last names. I think that was about it so I had an apartment full of over probably twenty five guests.  We had lots of food, all traditional dishes and we watched Boys In the Band  and Torch Song Trilogy. People wandered in and around, visiting as well as watching TV. People were having fun I think. No real heavy drinking or drugs, just being mellow and having fun. People stayed until about two in the morning when the last person left and I stayed up until two thirty putting food away and clearing up some of the mess. No trauma or drama this Thanksgiving. Terry Johnson came over about four thirty and only stayed an hour before others started arriving. He said he was feeling sick and wanted to go home but I think he just can’t handle crowds. He also said he could get his truck fixed for $167 which is why I think was the real reason he came over. I didn’t offer him the money this time, and it probably was why he left early. I think he was disappointed. If I would have seen even ten dollars of some of the money he owed me already maybe I would have lent him the money.

24 November 1989 Friday

It rained all day and I really didn’t do anything today except the dishes and clean the place from yesterday’s party. I watched some Gay movies but that’s about it. Liza Smart and I didn’t go car shopping because she was sick. Some bug is going a round. Yuck! Wayne Elliott called me and asked if he could spend a couple of days with me. I said sure. He’s breaking up with his lover and has no place to go. Steve Oldroyd dropped by this afternoon to chat and say what a good time he had the party yesterday.

25 November 1989 Saturday

Everyone is sick around me so I’ve been taking it fairly easy because I don’t want to miss any school between now and Christmas. Wayne Elliott came over about eleven and we mostly discussed his lover Earl who’s been treating him so rotten. You can give good advice but it’s like talking to a brick way when a person is in love. So mostly I just commiserated and asked “What do you want?” and “How do you think he will respond” Questions like that. Ultimately when one gets tired of the pain and drama, recovery takes place. Different stages for different people. Afterwards we went to the Salt Lake Roasting Company on Fourth South for coffee and then we walked around Trolley Square, window shopping. That is kind of fun. I was home by three when this guy named Val Holley called and said he was a friend of John Reeves. He was from Washington DC but was in town and John had told him to look me up. He’s an author and really good looking but he has a lover so we just visited about the dynamics of being a Gay man living in Utah. He couldn’t stay for dinner so he left when Liza Smart came by to take me to Luci Malin’s house for dinner. It was a small intimate affair, a post Thanksgiving turkey dinner. She had invited Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Erichssen, Liza Smart and myself. Luci has a very homey, hobbit like cave where everything is warm, snugly, comfortable and has a lived in feel. She has three cats and one dog that looked like a Samoan husky mix. A very cute thing. Luci is my age, born June 29^th 1951. I really enjoy being with people who are my own age and on the same time line. Anyway we did the Mattel Toy Company Test. Luci was yellow: warm, bright. Liza was pink; hot and vibrant and bright. It was fun. Rocky was a Mountain Lion. Hmmm. Robert was an Ostrich. Liza was a dog: loyal, loving. After we did the dishes and had eaten a scrumptious dinner, especially the deep dish apple pie, we adjourned to the front room and listened to Ferron’s Shadow On A dime album. Nice mellow music. We discussed separatistism some and had a nice  challenging intellectually stimulating evening . We made a date for December 13^th to do it all again at Liza’ place. She made each of us a lace Christmas wreath and mine was the glitchiest; to match my personality I suppose. I loved it. I really made Liz, Rocky, and Robert laugh when in all sincerity I said “ It’s no coincident that God is dog spelled backwards. If you want unconditional love get a dog.”

 26 November 1989 Sunday

Today was Russ Lane’s farewell party at Affirmation. I got a ride up with Neil Hoyt along with Chuck Whyte and Garth Chamberlain after attending a Stonewall Center meeting. Neil Hoyt showed up at my place for a Beyond Stonewall meeting but Rod Shepherd didn’t although he called later to apologize. It made me really doubt his sincerity about running the retreat. At Affirmation Duane Dawson was elected Chapter Director and there was a large turn out of about thirty people. It was kind of an Affirmation reunion. I tried to keep from crying thinking about how much Russ and I went through together. His leaving sure shuts a chapter in my life. When Affirmation was over I just held Russ and he held me and we cried together. He said he loved me and I told him that I loved him too and that I still love his heart. A lot of people were surprised to see us together as the perception is that we are enemies.

27 December 1989 Monday

It snowed yesterday and it snowed more today. It was unpleasant walking through the snow and slush to catch my bus. There’s nothing different at work. In the evening just finished watching the end of “Maurice” and preparing for tomorrow’s Unconditional Support meeting. I am reading a fascinating book called The Moon Beneath Her Feet which is about Mary Magdalene and Mary and Jesus being a part of the Iris and Osiris legend. Mary is the Mother Goddess Iris who gave birth to her lover brother Osiris or Christ father and son. Fascinating.

28 December 1989 Tuesday

It was a cold chilly day. I had the kids do a science project of dissecting different fruit and then counting the seeds.  That was fun. There’s a lot of sickness going around. Thank ye Goddess for my health. I finished reading The Moon Beneath Her Feet. It was too heterosexual by far but still fascinating. Czechoslovakia is trying to overthrown their Communist government. It’s like “Future Shock” to hear all the exciting changes in Eastern Europe. Walking down to the Crossroad’s Urban Center for Unconditional Support, it was so chilly; about twenty-eight degrees.  I taught a lesson on the Colors of Love. We had about twelve people attending but it was fun I think. This fellow, Jerry, asked if I was back in charge. I said, “no” and he said, “I wish you were.”

29 December 1989 Wednesday

After school, I came home to rest until the Historical Society’s Meeting at seven thirty. Rocky O’Donovan did a discussion on Natacha Rambova who was Rudolph Valentino’s wife and a great granddaughter of Heber C Kimball.  Everywhere people are getting a bug of some type. Knock on wood, I’ve been relatively healthy. Liza Smart was able to make it to the meeting even though she’s been sick. Rocky and Robert Erichssen are moving to Center Street in the Marmalade District of Capitol Hill. Rocky’s got a decent job up at the University of Utah in admissions.  That is great. I saw Curtis Jensen tonight. I haven’t really visited with him in a long time. He invited me to a party next month.

30 December 1989 Thursday

It was kind of a bizarre day. Jeff Wood came over about six thirty and on the spur of the moment we decided to go to the show. On the way driving over to the Valley Fair Mall he took his dick out and I stroked him until he became hard. On the freeway I gave him a blow job trying not to get my head stuck under the wheel while giving him head. It was funny. I’m not in love with Jeff Wood anymore but care deeply for the mixed up thing. I have really bonded with him since last July when he let me lay my head in his lap when I was so sick and he sweetly held me. It was just silly playing around nothing serious. We saw Field of Dreams. Stroke it and he will cum… the movie was wonderful.