1
January 1989 Sunday
I woke up at 7:30 without a hangover to get ready to go to
meeting. At 9:30 I walked up to 2nd Ave and A Street to attend
morning worship meeting at the Quaker Meeting House. Rocky O’Donovan and Robert
Erichssen were there. Rocky wasny feeling well and was disappointed in his
family because his mother said Robert wasn’t welcomed. Her loss. After the
meeting I came back home after buying a 10 pound bag of cat food to feed some
of the strays around the Juel Apartment. Billy Cat went out last night and has
been gone now about 24 hours. I am worried about him. I called Mike Anderson.
Saturday Voyeur ended yesterday but he
said he has a job working at Voila. Later Jim Hunsaker dropped down from his apartment
to use my phone and to visit. He had just gotten home from an all nighter New
Year’s party. I wrote out my bills. About $500 worth. I paid off Montgomery
Ward’s finally after 5 years. A guy
named Ryan called me on the date line and we made a date for tomorrow. Didn’t
eat any flesh today but ate some sugar. I’ve tried to give that up for my head’s
sake. I watched the Karen Carpenter Story on TV tonight. Becky Moss never
called about doing a show for Concerning Gays and Lesbians and now that she has
Jim Reiger she really doesn’t need me. Mike Pipkin dropped by in the evening and
we watched TV together. He’s working at Lamb’s Restaurant downtown and may put
off going to Santa Fe for a while now. Mike brought about 2 six packs of beer
over and he was pretty soused when he left at 10 pm. Happy New Years.
2
January 1989 Monday
I am sick with chills and deliriums. I must have caught a flu bug. This morning I
was fine and got up at 6:30 to grade papers and to get ready for school
tomorrow. I walked downtown to Weinstocks in the Crossroads Mall where I bought
a silver chain for $20 to wear my crystal on. I started feeling nauseous about 3:30 and when
this guy named Ryan came by at 5:30 I was really getting the chills. We visited
util 7:30 talking about Gay issues and his bisexuality. I know he would have
liked to have had sex but I was afraid he might catch my bug. By 7:30 I was so
sick I went straight to bed where I tossed and turned, aching and sore and nauseous.
Jon Urban, the sweet thing, called and was concerned about me being sick. Chuck
Whyte called too. I thought that if I died who would feed my cat? I also
thought how I need a will. I want Billy Bikowski to have my amethyst silver
ring, my papers go tp the Historical Society that Rocky and I are forming,
genealogy to Mom and Dad or to my sister Donna and everything else to my
ex-wife Fran to dispose as she chooses. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow but
I have to because all my manuals, grade books, and lesson plans are at home.
3
January 1989- Tuesday
I got up at 6 am still really, really weak but strong enough
to drag myself in for a half day. It was good to see the kids but I was
listless and felt like nodding off all day. Somehow I managed to get through
the day and I was home by 4 pm. I took a nap until 6 and that really helped. At
6:30 I was down at the Crossroads Urban Center for Unconditional Support as my
last official responsibility as director of Unconditional Support. We had a good
turn out of about 20 people for our business meeting. Elections took place and we elected Alan Peterson as the new director,
Ray Von Nielson as Asst. Director and Darrell Webber as Secretary/Treasurer. I
was asked to stay involved as activities coordinator and Randy Olsen was kept
on as our representative to The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.
Chris Brown from Lesbian and Gat Student Union attended the meeting. It was
good to see him and Jon Butler. Next Sunday the new officers will be coming
over to my place for dinner and to discuss the transition of responsibilities.
I gave Ray Neilson the key to open up the Crossroads Urban Center and all the
Unconditional Support funds to Darryl Webber.
After the meeting I went home straight to bed. It pleases me that
Unconditional Support will continue without my leadership. We did good. Oh yes
I have to plan a Valentine’s dance for February.
4
January 1989 Wednesday-
I haven’t eaten flesh since last Saturday abd I feel better.
I have cut down on sugar too. I am feeling so much better . Almost human again.
At school spent all the morning planning a hall bulletin board . It was our
class’s turn so I put the words “It’s a Small World” and I had my students do
drawings of children in their native countries cootumes around the world. I heard that my student Jeremiah Kite may be
leaving my class. A mixed blessing as he
is so much trouble. Anyway I was home by 4:30
and spent a while straighten the apartment. Billy Cat has been gone
almost 48 hours and I am getting really worried. When he does come home again,
he’s not going out for the rest of the winter. Its cat litter city for me but I
don’t want to go through the worry again. I’ve grown so fond of that cat. It
will really hurt me if something has happened to him. In the evening this guy
from the date line came over. We had oral sex but he couldn’t stay hard so
eventually we gave up. It happens sometimes. Something wasn’t clicking I
suppose. A Big storm is supposed to come
in tomorrow night. Snow, blizzards, the works. John Reeves called me from
Boston. He said he got a nice letter from Justin Webber who attended Beyond Stonewall last summer. Also said e’s fallen in love with the Boston
area. I kew he would. Ray Nielson called and said he got the key officially
transferred into his name. He also said that he was satisfied being the
Assistant Director. Satu Servigna dropped by with a stack of Triangle Magazines
she asked me to distribute. I told her I wanted to start writing for the
magazine again. She said great. I need to write a news release about the new
leadership of Unconditional Support.
5
January 1989-Thursday-
Shit! I was elected secretary-treasurer of the Gay and
Lesbian Community Council of Utah tonight. My cat Billy finally came home this
morning and I locked him in the bathroom when I went off to work. He was so
exhausted he mainly just slept anyway. At school today I met with Jeremiah Kite’s
father who wants custody of him and most likely will be transferring him to
another school in Ogden but he just wanted my input on how it my affect
Jeremiah. I recommended that he go to his new school even though I really would
miss him but he’s such a challenge. Anyway I am feeling much, much better since
my bout with the flu. There seems to be two types of bugs going around. The
flue and a bug that causes sore throats and runny noses. I haven’t gotten that
one, yet. Getting ready for the council tonight, I discovered that I don’t have
any more blank checks at all in the house. So I called Randy Olson up and asked
he'd write a check for Unconditional Support’s membership dues tonight and then
take me up to my bank and I’d give him cash. He said “Well we could do that but
why don’t you just write a check off your deposit slip?” I said, “I could do that” and then cut off
the conversation and hung up. I was so fucking mad. He’s totally worthless as a
friend and unreliable. I’m cutting my relationship off with him entirely. Jim
Hunsaker was’t home by 6:30 so I started walking down Sixth East to the
Metropolitan Community Church. I didn’t have time to take a bus to my bank,
pull money out, and then make it to the meeting by 7 pm. However on the way
down Jim Hunsaker stopped and gave me a ride the rest of the way. The reason I
was elected was that Chuck Whyte who originally said he wanted the office
changed his plans. Originally Curtis Jensen agreed to run for vice chair and
Chuck Whyte for Secretary/Treasurer. However before the meeting Chuck asked if
I would nominate him for Vice Chair and not care I said sure. We he was elected
over Curtis and Curtis said he would not accept the secretary-treasurer
position. So Val Mansfield was nominated but he said he would not accept the
nomination unless someone else agreed to run also. So about five other people
were asked and they declined so Bruce Barton nominated me saying it would be a
natural position for someone from the Historical Society. Well I am a girl that
just can’t say no especially in service to the Gay community so I accepted the
nomination and was elected. The new chair of the council was an even bigger
surprise but I think ultimately a good choice. I would not be honest if I did
not say that the position was almost thrust upon him but Neil Hoyt will be a
good chair. He will have to grow some and get over the fact that he can’t make
everyone happy. If he tries to do that he’ll be mediocre. Chuck Whyte will have
to be on a tight lease. He’s some what scattered but when he’s focused no one
works as hard as he does.
6 January 1989 Friday
After
work I went to the bank to get some more checks made and then I went up to the
sauna in the HYPER building at the University of Utah, It felt really goo. I
didn’t get home until about 7:30 and then watched a little TV. I cleaned the apartment
some and went to bed about 10:00. I needed the rest after a busy, hectic week.
7
January 1989 Saturday
Today is Fran and my 12th wedding
anniversary. In the day I cleaned my
apartment, graded papers, and did several loads of wash. About two Jim Hunsaker
came down and said he was going up to the HYPER building and wanted to know if
I wanted a ride. So I went with him up there and read the paper while soaking
in the sauna. There was a small article
on mandatory reporting of AIDS testing.
I decided to respond to it. Coming home from the sauna I took a bus to
Smith’s Grocery store on 9th East and 8th South and
bought some groceries for tomorrow’s dinner. I am having the new officers of
Unconditional Support over. I decided I wanted to see a movie tonight because
there was nothing but sport on TV. I took a bus down 7th East to 9th
South and walked over to the Tower Theater. I saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit again
and High Spirit s which was a mediocre movie with no direction. The movies were
out at Ten thirty and snow was falling. I was covered with snow by the time I
trekked home. It was peaceful and quiet walking through the snow. I think I was
still missing Billy Bikowski and wondering if he’s home from New Hampshire yet.
It was nearly midnight when I went to bed.
8
January 1989-Sunday
Yesterday while at 9th and 9th I went to Cahoots and bought a birthday card for John Cunningham and dad. Tomorrow is John's 38th birthday. I didn't go to my Quaker Meeting this morning. It was too cold to walk and I had a lot to do. I wrote a letter to the editor about the mandatory reporting article but the real mind blower was my meeting with Christy Bradley. At 2 p.m. I walked
over to Dee ’s on 4th South to meet
with Matt Wilson and Christy Bradley. Matt had set up the meeting between
Christy and Rocky O’Donavan and myself to talk about some serious allegation
Bradley was making against Mormon Church
leaders. Robert Errichssen and Dan Fahndrich were also at the meeting with
Christy but when Dan heard what we were there for he split before he got into
some heavy duty shit. Basically Christy
Bradley turned to us for help because she knew Rocky had contacts in Utah Valley Hinckley attending sex parties, and all the prostitution
and other activities that were going on in the Hotel Utah. She basically
considered the Hotel Utah the Mormon Church’s private cat house. All this would
be vaguely shocking but mostly amusing except for the claim that certain Mormon
officials participated in a child pornography and prostitution ring here in Salt Lake City Utah Hinckley believes that he is
like God and can do anything he wants. I thought that’s Joseph Smith’s Church
of the First Born talking, these Mormon big shots who think they are Kings and
Priests of God therefore can do no wrong as long as they don’t deny the Holy
Ghost. Joseph Smith took other men’s wives, property, set himself up above the
laws of the land, and ordered people assassinated and he is the role model all
Mormon men want to emulate. I keep thinking why does Gordon B. Hinckley’s name
keep coming up. He’s no body. What is going on here? Rocky knows Sandra and
Jerrold Tanner very well and he is going to meet with them and see if they know
anything and at least give them Charles Van Dam’s tapes. He will see if they,
using their network, can help Christy get out of Utah
9
January 1989 Monday-
John Cunningham's 38th birthday. I mailed off both him and dad a birthday card. I didn't feel well at work. In fact my left nut was so sore that I think I must have an infection of some type. I made a lesson plan for a substitute teacher tomorrow and decided to go to the VD clinic. Who knows maybe I have some STD. In the evening watched ALF and went to bed early and am still reeling from the conversation I had with Christy Bradley.
10 January 1989-Tuesday
I called in sick this morning and tried to get a lot
accomplished. I made reservations at the Central City Community Center to hold
a Valentine’s Dance on the 11th.of February. I also sent away for a
registration form for the National Teacher’s examination. The test is on March
4th. I had some applications from New Mexico sent up also. I went to
the P.O Box downtown. The Bank Statements were in for Beyond Stonewall. We have
about $500 in our account. I button-holed Neil Hoyt into bein a promotion chair
but still haven’t found anyone to fill the role of publicist. Anyway had a nice
haircut and bear trim today at the $3 hair cut place on 7th East. I
mean a real short and stand up all by itself cut. Mt fist reaction was My Gawd
What have I wrought? But it grows on you and I like it. Well the VD clinic wasn’t
open today but are opened tomorrow until six so I guess I will go get checked
out tomorrow. The next trick is to decide whether to get my first AIDS test or
not. I will make that decision tomorrow. I went up to the HYPER Building to sit
in the sauna. It felt wonderful. It begn to snow about three and has been
snowing for the rest of the day. Coming down from the University I got ready
for Unconditional Support. It felt great not having to bring refreshments, bags
of cups, and opening questions to break the ice. Tonight’s meeting was led by
Ray Nielson and he did a good job for his first time. The snow kept a lot of
people away I think because only about 15 people showed up. We watched a video
on the AIDS Quilt called “Remember My
Name” It was quite moving especially when this father implored other
parents to be there for their children with AIDS. He said don’t be afraid just grab them and love them because
you never know when it will be the last time you hold them in your arms. I know
that is why I can’t keep my hands off Billy Bikowski because who knows when it
will be the last time I will get to hold that man in my arms. Jon Urban called
in the evening to see how I was feeling. I told him I was going to the VD
clinic tomorrow and will let him know the results as soon as I get them. Ben
Barr returned my call. I called Ben Barr and asked him for a list of non Mormon Gay
Lawyers. Yesterday Kevin McCloskey said that I should retain a lawyer with a will
stating that certain tapes and my journals will go to certain individuals upon
my demise. I said if I did disappear all of a sudden and am found murdered it
would because I got involved in something evil. I didn’t want him to know which
one I chose if my phone is being tapped. Ben gave me some good advice. He
suggested that I make copies of my tape and send it to each member of the 12
Mormon Apostles and let them clean up their own house if there’s only a few
rotten apples. Ben said send the tapes and just sit back and watch. I agree and
so I’ve been making copies like crazy. I’ve already given several away. I am
sending one to Theresa Watanabe of the San Jose Mercury News and one to the
Tanners.
11
January 1989 Wednesday
I went back to work today but still am feeling blah. I was
awake most of the night breaking small fevers. I was glad to be back at school.
I got teased a little about my hair but some of the kids really liked it. This
is Jeremiah Kite’s last week. I have really mixed feelings about that boy.
Anyway after school, Susan McCoy dropped me off at the VD Clinic on 6th
South and 2nd East. I decided to go ahead and get an AIDS test as
well as a VD check. I thought I really ought to. Ignorance is not bliss in this
case. It cost $10 for both tests. A woman health worker examined me. I’m not a
sexist but I would have been much more comfortable with a man feeling my penis,
scrotum, and looking up my ass. I had blood drawn for an AIDS test as well as
for syphilis. Dabbing my urethra for a culture stung like hell and since she
didn’t get a good sample she had to do it again. Boy did it burn. I said, “Well
if you’re gonna play you have to pay.” I won’t get the VD results until nest
Wednesday and a week after that for the AIDS results. I am a little apprehensive
but not really. I guess I am pretty
fatalistic. What will be will be, I’m not afraid to stand before my God. In
fact I look forward to the great day. But right here and now, my left nut aches
and my dick stings and I am missing Billy.
12
January 1989 Thursday-
Not a bad day at work except when Jeremiah Kite mouthed off
at me but I hauled his butt down to the office and talked to his step-mom when
she came to pick him up. Tomorrow is his last day and he thinks he's invincible.
In the evening I didn’t do much. I straighten up the apartment, did some
dishes, and read from Adelle Davis’ book, “Let’s Get Well and Eat Right.” I
want to build my health and lose some weight. I’m going to stop eating
hydrogenated fats, anything cooked in coconut or palm oil. I need to start
eating more brewer yeast powder, skim milk, cottage cheeses, peanut butter, safflower
oil, lecithin, molasses, bananas, apples, corn, peas, lima beans, yams,
squashes, spinach, and yogurt. And even though I want to be a vegetarian, I’m
going to eat fish liver oil, and eggs occasionally. I want to stay away from
meat. I think it breeds cancer. I’m going to reduce my intake of sucrose in the
form of refined white sugar, and white flour. Every morning I am going to start
drinking my “pep me up” drink and not eat after 6 in the evening as a rule. I
was in bed by ten. Jim Hunsaker, Garth Chamberlain, Chris Brown, and Curtis
Jensen are going down to Phoenix this weekend for a planning meeting of the Desert
and Mountain States Conference. Chuck Whyte wants me to write an article for the
Triangle for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. I am going to meet
him at four tomorrow to make an ad for the dance in February. I’m going to
write a history column on Michelangelo also. What else? Kevin McCloskey called
to say that he is friends with Paul Van Dam, Attorney General of Utah and
cousin to Charles Van Dam. He said if anything happens to me he would discuss
what I told Kevin with Van Dam. Jim Hunsaker wants me to feed his fish for this weekend
while he's gone.
13
January 1989 Friday
I am so caught up in my own little world that I forgot that
the tenth of this month was the tenth anniversary of Grandma Williams’ death. I
really miss her still. I’m not very good with departures. Today wasn’t Jeremiah
Kites’ last day after all. His mother wants him to finish out the term so he’ll
be here next week. I had the class make cards for him to give as a surprise
going away party next Thursday. His father however took him out of school
today. I didn’t much like my kids today. So glad we have a three day weekend.
After school was out, Susan McCoy dropped me off downtown and I walked home.
Still trying to walk a mile a day. I went up to the HYPER Building and sat in the sauna, It felt really good. I
missed my bus afterwards so I walked down off campus so I got a lot of walking
done today. I cleaned the apartment a little bit but really didn’t do much
else. I was in bed by nine thirty.
14
January 1989 Saturday
I didn’t get up until nine this morning so I must have
caught up on some much needed sleep. Later in the morning I caught a bus
downtown and walked over to the post office. I then caught another bus out to
Fashion Place Mal where I bought two pull over sweaters and two belts at the
Sears there. I think I’m finally shopped out. Later in the afternoonI went back
to the sauna at the HYPER building. I was really horny abnd afterwards I went
over to Orson Spencer Hall. I hadn’t been there in months. I met someone there
and we had sex and I was then able to get on with the rest of the day. I went
shopping at Smith’s Food King at 8th and 9th and bought a
lot of health food items. I always get “religion” after reading Adelle Davis. I
haven’t had meat in over two weeks and now its time to concentrate on ridding
sugar from my diet too. I saw my letter
to the editor in the Salt Lake Tribune today. That was kind of fun. I have
never been published in a newspaper before.
In the evening I mostly watched TV because I was rather lethargic. Probably
tired from walking home from the University again.
15 January 1989 Sunday
I am coming down with a cold. Everyone seems to have it.
Perhaps I can shake it off staying in tomorrow. I went to my Quaker Meeting
this morning. The walk was refreshing and yet tiresome. Serenity comes from
surrendering to the will of God. Thy will be done. I saw Rocky and Robert at the
meeting. Rocky said that Christy Bradley is sick and the meeting for today is
called off. I was home the rest of the day, graded papers and figured up
Quarter Grades for the kids until Rocky came over and me me up for Affirmation.
The only reason I went was hoping to see Billy. He wasn’t there until the
meeting was nearly over. I was speaking to some guys when he came in and I lost
my train of thought as soon as I saw him. Immediately I realized it was a
mistake to have come. I have so completely and thoroughly outgrown Affirmation.
So has Rocky and Robert. I see some faces that seem stuck neither able to go
back or go forward. After the meting I kept my distance from Billy and yet he
came over and gave me a hug. I did not hug him back. I don’t want to care about
him anymore. I did ask him about his Christmas at home in New Hampshire. He
said something about his mother but I wasn’t listening, just looking at him. I
was too involved in my own emotions to listen. My head finally won out over my
heart and I managed to keep a polite distance. He went with others to coffee at
Denny’s on 5th South but I went home to grade papers. Rocky and I
have a meeting this Wednesday about the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society at
six. Billy you fucking bastard. You don’t know what you have in me. God grant
me the courage to let Billy go out of my life. Into your care I commend my love
for Billy.
16
January 1989 Monday-
It’s Martin Luther
King Jr. holiday and I've been fighting a cold all day. Vitamins are working
wonders. I had a Beyond Stonewall Meeting with John Bush. Things to do lest I
forget. Call Rob Moore and Jim Rieger to ask if they would be publicity chairs.
Call Dave Malmstrom about the Delta Institute and call the YMCA about meeting
with the camp director for February. John Bush also wants to write a charter for
the Delta Institute. I spent most of the morning going through my grade book
figuring up grades on my calculator. What a chore that was. Other than that I didn’t
do a hell of a lot. I went outside only once to empty some trash but otherwise
I didn’t venture out at all. I just stayed warm and snuggly this wintry day. I
heard a song on the radio that made me cry over Billy. It really surprised me
that I am still crying over him. Why do I miss him so much? He’s a geek. He just
didn’t really know what he had in me. Anyway I called Dave Malmstrom in the
evening about the Delta Institute. John Bush and I have decided to form a
corporation called the Delta Institute as an umbrella for all the groups I am
involved with so we can have just one non-profit status. I picked the name
Delta Institute because Delta is the Greek symbol for a triangle. Dave
Malmstrom and I talked for about an hour about his being an officer in The
Delta Institute, Gay Activities and the community dances. I let him know
that Unconditional Support would be
going alone this year because I didn’t want to deal with the leaders of LGSU
and Affirmation this year. Tired of the bickering and lack of follow up. Dave
understood but was concerned that the dances would become exclusively for
Unconditional Support people. I said not at all. They still will be community
dances. Dave agreed to become an officer of The Delta Institute so we can
incorporate.
17
January 1989 Tuesday
Back to school after a nice holiday. Glad it was a short day
however. I spent some time filling out forms for take the National Teachers
Exam in preparation for moving to New Mexico. I went to Unconditional Support
this evening a little reticent thinking that Billy might show but he didn't. Allen Peterson led the meeting mostly
discussing what people wanted to see happen in Unconditional Support this year.
I met a fellow named Bryan who was back
from being in Washington DC. He was kind of interesting. The most exciting news
I heard was that there’s going to be another March on Washington this October.
I am so excited about the possibility of going again. If I am alive I will be
there. I went out to coffee after the meeting to Dee’s. It was the first time
in a long time. It was kind of nice being out with my tribe.
18
January 1989 Wednesday
School was a little different today. I held a “Read-A-Thon”
for my students. They could bring soda pop and candy and sit anywhere they
liked after the last recess until the end of the day. Most laid on the floor
with blankets and quietly read. Of course, Justin, Broady, and Darren had to be
censored for thinking it was a “gab-a-thon”. We had a staff meeting right after school.
Both Susan McCoy and I think its funny how the principal Jack Olearain always
stands behind me and rests his hand on my shoulder. Would he if he knew I was queer?
After riding home with Susan, I called the VD clinic to find out my results. I
am clean. No gonorrhea, syphilis, or chlamydia. I have to wait until next
Wednesday for my HIV results. I went to Smith’s at 8th and 9th
to get some cat food, cookies for tomorrow’s class party, and a video just in
case Denise doesn’t come through with The Incredible Journey. Anyway I bumped
into Mike Anderson at the store and even though I was in an extreme hurry to
catch the bus to be back home by six we visited some. He said he may be moving
to San Francisco with Dave Kendall. That will be great for him. John Bush
called this evening to say that Guy Larson has accepted the position of
hospitality chair for Beyond Stonewall. I told John that I had called Dave
Malmstrom and he accepted being part of the Delta Institute. I need to talk to Jim Hunsaker about a making
a community calendar for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council. Anyway John
Bush wabts me to find out more about the March on Washington and have the Delta
Institute coordinate the effort in Utah. I said what a wonderful idea that was.
Jon Urban called to visit also. That was nice of him and I would like to get
together with him soon.
19
January 1989 Thursday-
Today is dad’s 64th birthday. He’s
really starting to get up there. I hope when I am 64 I am just in my
intellectual prime and ready to write and compose and do all the things I don’t
know how to do now. Today was Jeremiah Kite’s last day and we threw him a going
away party. It was nice and the kids got wild but it was also the last day of
the term. The kids have another three day weekend for it’s a Career Ladder
Day for us teachers. After school came home
and tried straightening up the place some. I had to take the bus down to 8th
and 9th to return the video I rented yesterday. I walked over from there
to the Metropolitan Community Church on 6th East where I had a Gay
and Lesbian Community Council transitional meeting for transferring the offices
from Jim Hunsaker, Reina Horton, and Bruce Barton to Neil Hoyt, Chuck Whyte,
and myself. Only Reina Horton did not show up for the meeting
20 January 1989 Friday-
I went to work with Susan McCoy at eight thirty. It was
quite foggy all the way into Sunset. Today was Career Ladder Day so the kids
have it off so teachers can do grades at the end of the term. Since I had most
of my grades figured out from last weekend, I mainly just spent the time
rearranging my classroom and putting up new bulletin boards. I was home by four
thirty and then took a bus up to the U of U to sit in the sauna and cruised
Orson Spenser Hall a little. I must be really horny or something. I spent most
of inaugurational day trying to get laid. No luck at OSH so in the evening I
went downtown as cold as it was and went to the Magazine Store on Main Street to
cruise. Then I walked over to Radio City on State and there I thought I’m not
that desperate so I caught the last bus back home. I was in bed by midnight. I
had forgotten that tomorrow is the Quaker Mid-Winter Gathering. I’m suppose to
be there at nine in the morning. Before going to bed I put my name on the date
line. I was so desperate. Gawd. Well we got a new president- Barbara Bush. The
Ronald Reagan Administration ended with President George Walker Bush CIA
assuming the mantel of Reaganomics.
21
January 1989-Saturday
The Mid Winter Meeting for the Society of Friends (Quakers) began
today at nine. The meeting was held at the Methodist Church on 2nd
South and 3rd East. Rocky O’Donovan and
I helped Pat Sexton make lunch and there
was perhaps one hundred people there all together. At three thirty Allen Stokes
of Logan led a meeting on the Quaker Role in the Gay Civil Rights Movement. It
was good to be with open minded individuals.
22
January 1989 Sunday-
I didn’t venture out of my apartment today except to buy a
Sunday paper and do some radio programs at KRCL. Jim Rieger and I did three
programs for Concerning Gays and Lesbians so we don’t; have to come back for
two weeks. The first program was an interview with Garth Chamberlain an officer
of LGSU for the first half and the second half we promoted The Gay Historical
Society. The 2nd program was a long interview with Donald Steward
about the Names Project coming to Utah
23
January 1989 Monday
Back to school again. I was glad that it was a short day. I didn't miss Jeremiah like I thought I would. Instead I am glad he's gone. In the evening at five thirty I was at the Crossroads Urban Center with Chuck
Whyte trying and figure out the mess we inherited from Bruce Barton. The
Membership records, financial records, and minutes were in every state of
disarray. All jumbled up. We finally
managed to separate them into 3 categories-Membership, financial, and minutes.
We worked for two hours and Chuck really helped a lot. I wouldn’t have been motivated to do them by
myself. Anyway I was home by seven thirty and watched a little TV and tried to do some work around my apartment. Salvador Dali the artist died today.
24
January 1989 Tuesday-
Ted Bundy , the serial killer, who attended the University
of Utah was electrocuted today in Florida at the age of 42. I have been rather
melancholy all day about thinking what a tragedy for everyone involved. Couldn’t
they have studied him and perhaps found a causation for his addiction to
murder? Anyway it’s all over now. It
chills me with the despicable cheering and party atmosphere in Florida at his
death. Even Ted Bundy has God within according to Quakerism. Anyway I got
through the day at work unscathed . After recess the playground attendant,
Hannah, called me out into the hall to
tell me about some of the boys in my class. I thought what now? And she said
that two boys in my class were grabbing at each other on the playground and by
her embarrassed grin, I knew what she meant/ About this time Mr. Burrill is
marching five of his boys down to the principal office to have them call their
parents and Hannah said they were
involved also. I thought “Good God. Why don’t we just blow everything out of
proportion?” If the boys would have been simply fighting, Mr. Burrill wouldn’t
have dragged them down to the office. I told Hannah I would take care of it. It
was Justin and Eric Rogers. I called them out into the hall and asked them what
was going on. They both acted sheepishly until Eric volunteered that they were
playing “Ball Tag.” I thought it was funny but didn’t let them know that. I
said to them that they were old enough to know about sex and that they shouldn’t
be grabbing each other’s nuts at school. I told them that certain behavior was
not appropriate for the playground and then lit the matter drop. At
Unconditional Support tonight I led the meeting on VD and HIV testing. It was a
good meeting until Billy Bikowski showed up. I stumbled over my words until I
could compose myself again. I hugged him during the group hug but then just ran
off to be with others. Eric Christensen was there with Scott Robinson and Jeff
Wood was at the meeting too. I was telling them about the game of Ball Tag
that my Sixth graders are playing and I grabbed Jeff’s crotch and said “You’re
it”. As an activity we went for the last performance at the art deco Center
Theater on State Street and Broadway. After tonight the center theater will
close its doors and be torn down. It was kind of a historic occasion. I saw a little old lady weeping and another
elderly gentleman dab his eye. There wasn’t very many people there for the last
showing. We saw Cocoon: The Return. In our group were Jeff Wood, Eric
Christensen, Scott Robinson, Kurt, Steve Oldroyd, Darrell Webber, and Rick
Eden. After the movie we walked about
the old movie palace, looking and marveling at the art deco motif’s which be soon
torn down and lot in time and space.
Well the final curtain came down for the Centre Theater. Fran and I had
our first date at the theater in December 1976. We saw Woody Allen in the movie
The Front. I lost my neck muffler that night that I had had since my early days
at BYU. Well nothing lasts forever not
even my love for Billy or does it? Why does just seeing him walk into a room
make my heart stumble and my mind relapse. It is like seeing a ghost. A beloved
ghost that is all sound and fury signaling nothing. Jon Urban called me right before I had left for
Unconditional Support and wanted to come over for sex but I told him that
while I’d love that, I have to lead a meeting and attend an activity tonight.
John Reeves called from Boston also. He is quite hopeful about finding work
back there. Well what a day of closures. Ted Bundy’s life was extinguished this
morning. I hope it brings peace to the families of the victims because it will
not bring their daughters home. I’ll leave the fate of my cousin’s murderer in
the hands of a more infinite wisdom.
25 January 1989 Wednesday
Well at work, we had our cholesterol levels checked and I
guess being a vegetarian does pay off because mine is 140. Two hundred is
considered dangerously high. That pleased me because almost everyone else was
either high or hovering around two hundred. Mr. Burrell’s was 245. I also had
my blood pressure checked but I can’t remember what it was but it was normal.
Someone stole $45 from Mrs. Johnson’s purse yesterday in the library. Oh
brother. Mr. Olearain wanted me to search for boys who weren’t suspects but had volunteered to be searched. I just had
them turn their pockets inside out and take off their shoes. I wasn’t about to
frisk them. Anyway after work, Susan McCoy dropped me off at the Health Clinic.
I hadn’t really been concerned about my test results until I was sitting in the
waiting room. Then I thought, “What if I am positive?” However thank Gawd the
results were negative. I guess I am in better health than I thought. No STDs,
no AIDS anti-bodies, and my cholesterol is 140. I also want to get in better
shape but I’m grateful to the Lord for my health.
26
January 1989 Thursday
I was tired this morning and tomorrow Susan is calling in
sick so I’ll have to take the bus back and forth between home and school. It’s
an hour each way on the bus. Eric Rogers called me an “asshole” after lunch. I
dragged him down to the principal office and called his mother. Later I put his
desk out in the hall. I’m not letting him back into my classroom until he apologizes.
Anyway I stayed at work until five fifteen so didn’t get back into Salt Lake
City until six. I had Susan McCoy drop me off at Smith’s on 8th and
9th and while shopping
someone said, “Long time, no see.” I turned around and am startled to see
Billy. My pulse started to race. He said “You need a shopping cart,” because my
grocery basket was over flowing. I replied that I only get what I can carry on
the bus. He then asked me if I needed a
ride. If it wouldn’t have been so damn awful cold out I would have said no but
at fifteen degrees I said yes, hating myself for being so weak. I treated him
like a casual acquaintance on the ride home. Only responding to his remarks and
making polite conversation. He has an Econoline Van now. I thanked him for the
ride but didn’t ask him to come in and he didn’t inquire about me at all. He
doesn’t love me. Never did.
27
January 1989 Friday
I had to get up at five thirty this morning to catch the
Ogden bus to Sunset. Susan McCoy my usual ride took a mental health break. I
was at school by eight fifteen. It was a
bitterly cold day. Mr. Burrell was also ansent today so I was the only regular
sixth grade teacher on duty. As soon as
school was out at three o’five I grabbed the stuff Susan wanted me tp take home
for her and I was out the door to catch the bus home to Salt Lake City. I didn’t
get in until almost five so it was a long day. I took another bus up to the U
of U to sit in the sauna. I stayed on campus until nearly eight thirty,
cruising OSH a little bit too but there was no action. When I arrived home Jon Urban
called and I had him come over because I was so horny. We fucked until about
ten thirty and when he left I was asleep by eleven thirty.
28
January 1989 Saturday
I took the state street bus down to Midvale to pick up my
glasses I ordered last month. They came finally. It's great to be able to see
clearly again. I had to be back in town at one to meet this guy downtown who
called me on the dateline. We went back to my apartment and it was awful. I
will spare me the details. I finally just asked him to leave. I did in the late
afternoon go back up to the U of U to soak in the sauna, kind of to get clean
of yuck. I was barely home by six after I walked home. On the way off campus I
did run into Richard Hefner who was a past president of the Lesbian and Gay
Student Union in 1987. Oh Well. I didn’t do much else today. It was too cold to
go anywhere else so I stayed in for the rest of the evening and stayed up late
watching TV and reading the article that John Reeves had sent me yesterday. I
am feeling so isolated here in Utah behind the Zion Curtain. I have been weepy off and on today over Billy.
Why?
29
January 1989 Sunday-
I walked to my Quaker Meeting which was at ten. The weather
was crisp but not too frigid. The meeting was good. Afterwards I went with
Rocky O’Donovan for a walk and discussed the Historical Society meeting this
week. I said I would bring the key to open up Crossroads Urban
Center Hawaii
30 January 1989 Monday
Well back to work and pulled Eric Rogers back into class. He
wrote an apology. I guess that’s good enough for a twelve year old. However he
did get in trouble later with Mrs. Marrietti who spotted him having some kid in
a head lock. I was home by four. Then I took a bus to Smith’s to buy a bus pass
for February. Its not that far away. Thank goodness. I made some bran muffins
this evening and watched ALF. Then I listened to some phone messages I had on tapes
from my phone machine from the past two years. It was good to hear the familiar
voices and conjure up old memories. Even the painful ones from Billy. They don’t
seem to hurt as much anymore. Time changes everything. Jon Urban came over
about nine forty-five and we fucked for a while. It felt nice, however after he
left I became sick to my stomach. I did a douche and tried to settle my stomach
but it was upset until midnight. I must have caught a slight bug. It’s going to
be a long day tomorrow with such little sleep. I called mom yesterday and both
mom and dad have colds. My niece Denise might join the National Guard.
31
January 1989 Tuesday
I am so glad to have this long cold dark month over. I
really hate it. There’s been snow on the ground since Christmas Day’s big storm.
At Unconditional Support there was a fairly decent turn out. Darrell Webber led
the meeting where the discussion developed around Gay dating. Brook Hallock and
another woman was at the meeting tonight.
We don’t get very many Lesbians coming as a rule. I think I’m the only romantic at Unconditional
Support sometimes. Everyone talks about taking relationships slow. I’m sorry I
can’t. I think of Andrew Marvell’s “Coy
Mistress”
Had we but world enough and time
This
coyness, lady were no crime
But at my
back I always hear
Time’s
winged chariot hurrying near
The
Grave’s a fine and private place
But none, I
think, do there embrace.
I said I felt like this is the time I am alive! Now is the
time I want to hold someone and feel his body next to mine. I also continued to
defend my position of metaphorically “knee
dropping” guys who after three or four dates say Let’s just be friends. I am amazed at what so many people consider a
date. They think anybody they go out
with, whether just friends, or girls, is a date. I thought only someone to whom
you have romantic feelings constitutes a date. The expectation of something
wonderful happening. You don’t have that
when you ask a buddy out.
No comments:
Post a Comment