November 1989

1 November 1989 Wednesday

What a day! Mr. Unger tries to chew me out because I have the audacity to suggest that all the fifth grade children be allowed to be team captains and not just from his class. He said that I’ve made his class paranoid about this team captain thing. What an arrogant ass. Out of the eighteen teams, his class gets to be fourteen captains who get to choose who they want  on their team while my class got one and Mrs. Day’s class has three. Jacquie Rohrer came crying to me today because Mr. Unger’s girls had her tears and one of my boys was so upset that Mr. Unger said he started a fight with one of his kids’ captains, but I am the bad guy for making team captains an issue?  He thinks only the “excellent kids” should be captains and yet he allows ten year olds to decide who the excellent ones are. My Gawd hasn’t he ever red “Lord of the Flies/” I was so upset about it that I called Susan McCoy for advice and to see if I was off base on this one but she said “no way” and that I should jhold my ground on this one. She even thought I was giving in too much by letting Unger separate the boys from the girls. Unger is accusing me of not promoting class unity, sure as long as his class controls everything. It was another cold miserable day and I’m trying to catch a cold so I don’t feel well. Teaching school is a disease magnate. When I came home from getting a hair and beard trim, I bumped in to Jon Merrill in passing, and he said he saw Terry Johnson at the Radio City. I burst into tears upon the news. He can go to the bars but he can’t come see me? It’s over between us and I’m just out the $350. It was an expensive lesson but I think I learned it. I don’t lend money to lovers anymore because its my money, not me, they want. I knew I was a sucker when I gave him that money but I loved him and wanted to make him happy. Jim Rieger has his young nerd friends over and I just want to be left alone. 

2 November 1989 Thursday

I know I’m trying to get sick. I feel worn down and I broke a sweat in the middle of the night. At school Mr. Unger was sick too. I felt kind of sorry for him. I found out that it was Brandon who was in the fight yesterday and he said it didn’t have anything to do with being a captain or not. So I don’t think Unger was telling me the truth at all. This is the end of having fifth grade term. That’s kind of hard to believe but the time is passing. Next week is parent teacher’s conference week. Ugh! I borrowed a tape recorder from school today so I could tape the Community Council Meeting tonight because Jim Hunsaker never got back to me about the recorder he said he was going to donate. I got paid $890 today. They take over $500 out of my check each month. Anyhow I took a bus down to the Metropolitan Community Church for the meeting. It was a better turn out than last time. The by-law changes, to elect officers in December and not January, passed with only one objection.  That was from Neil Hoyt so I only have to do this for one more month. A motion was passed to limit the amount of time taken to give organizational reports to just one minute starting in January. A letter is supposed to be written to Ben Barr, thanking him for the donation of the computer to the council and another to Beau Chaine in recognition of his service to the Gay community in operating the Gay Helpline. I squashed an attacks on Beau’s character by saying we should be helping him not criticizing him. Garth Chamberlain wanted to push for a vote to not fund the helpline anymore but he didn’t get any support on that either. Dale Sorenson gave me a ride home. I told Bobbie Smith that I would teach a class at Unconditional Support on The Color of Love on the 21^st of this month.

3 November 1989 Friday

Career Ladder Day so no kids tiday. I took a later bus into work even. At work I mostly cleaned and rearranged my room by moving desks around of kids who should not be sitting next to each other. I did some Thanksgiving bulletin boards too. At one thirty Susan McCoy picked me up and we went to Skippers where we had fish and chips for lunch. It was fun visiting with her, comparing how things are going for each of us at our new schools this year. After I got home I deposited $150 into my savings account. I have $775 now. I would have had over a thousand if I wouldn’t have given that money to Terry Johnson. Speaking of Terry, he called me today and said he had been in jail with his brother David for the past couple of days for fighting with a cop. I don’t understand much of it but I told him to try and go through Beau Chaine to try and get his sentence reduced by doing community service.  I was kind of cool to him. I do miss him in a way but I’m not going to be used. I called Jeff Wood up to see if he wanted to go out to see a movie. He had a date but asked me to go with them. I met his date Tracy and he’s an absolute doll, 27 years old and beautiful but Jeff is afraid to be in love. We went out to eat at the Indian Navajo place. I just had a coke because there wasn’t anything there vegetarian. I just visited with the two of them. I am starved for intellectual stimulation after being surrounded by elementary kids all the time. We decided to rent some videos but back at my place Jim Rieger had his nerd friends watching “A Polish Vampire in Burbank”. Tracy and Jeff didn’t stay long after the fact that  we couldn’t watch a movie and I went to bed by ten thirty. Two of Jim Rieger;s friends are crashing here at my place.

4 November 1989 Saturday

It was kind of a fun day. I spent most of it running around with Jeff Wood. We went to the swap meet at the State Fairgrounds and comparison shopping for a cordless phone. I asked him if he wanted to watch the movies we didn’t get to watch yesterday and he said sure. He wanted to invite this guy, Steven, who was a really nice guy, over too. Jeff is the first to admit that he’s not ready to settle down yet. Both Trace and Steven are darling guys. We ordered a pizza and just had the nicest time watching “Boys In the Band”, a pre-Stonewall Gay film, and Lust In the Dust with Tab Hunter and Divine. It was nice to have company over again and people who actually like me unlike Jim Rieger and his nerdy straight friends. I asked Terry Johnson to come over and join us and while he said he would, he didn’t. I’m done with him. I guess he’s done with me too. Jim Rieger’s friends went out to see the Animation Film Festival so I had the place to myself for most of the night. What is going on around me? Being with Jeff makes me realize how much I miss the company of Gay people. Terry took me away from that by saying I was too Gay, even if I was getting more Gay sex than ever before. Terry is moving to a house on 3^rd East and 1300 South. Goodbye my love, goodbye.

5 November 1989 Sunday

It was a lazy lounge about kind of day. I don’t feel too terrific besides. I am trying to fight off a cold I think. I finished all my kids’ report cards but other than that didn’t do much else.  I called my Uncle Milton Williams on his 55^th birthday. It was good to talk to both Milton and Marie and told them I loved them. I guess they are going to be moving from California to Sedona, Arizona just south of Flagstaff. They bought an acre and a half lot there and are going to build on it from money Marie’s father left her. They want mom and Dad to move there also. I don’t think you could blast them out of California. Anyway other than that I really didn’t do much else. Only time I went out today was to walk over to the Post Office. I saw Jon Merrill at the Radio City. Steve Oldroyd dropped by the evening for a little bit. I didn’t do a radio program tonight. I really didn’t want to be with Jim and I really didn’t want to leave the apartment. East Germans are exodusing to West Germany in droves. Change is happening everywhere. I definitely am moving from this place in January. I don’t want to pay this much in rent because I want to buy a car in December.

6 November 1989 Monday

Dark short gloomy days are upon us. I get up at six and its pitch black outside. I stumble into the shower, feed Billy cat, make myself ultra-slim milk shake, grab my stuff and I’m off into the cold.  I catch my seven o-five Centerville bus and am usually the only passenger. Getting off at Orchard and Center Street, I walk to the Walker Gas and Convenient Store where I fill up my mug with a mixture of cherry and diet coke for thirty one cents. That is how I usually start out my work days. At school, I got chewed out by Mr. Stanger the principal for leaving early last Friday. That really made me mad and I let him know that I spent this past weekend doing grades and shopping for school supplies for my classroom. Hell, why doesn’t he put me on a time clock? I don’t have to be at work until eight and I am always there by seven twenty in the morning at least thirty minutes before I have to be. I never take a lunch break or my two recess breaks but stay in my room working. My contract time is up at three thirty five but I always stay until three forty five or later like today when I stayed unto five forty five. However I missed my bus and I didn’t catch another one until six thirty so it was six forty five before I got home. I’ve made up my mind to buy a car in December if not sooner. I’m tired of having no freedom. I think I will buy a Toyota Pick Up truck. Tomorrow starts Parent Teacher’s Conference Week. I have to stay late on Thursday. I’m getting burned out I think. In the news Utah is trying to get the Winter Olympics and the East German Government is on the verge of becoming non communist state like Hungary and Poland have already done. Strange Happenings. Bobbie Smith left a note on my door saying he was going up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I should have gone but I am too tired. I will be in New Mexico this time next year. The words New Mexico sound exciting to me. I want some excitement in my life. I’m sick of Mormons, especially the Mr., Unger type of being passive aggressive. He acts all friendly and innocent until you bump  up against him and his little Mormon world is threatened. I’m going to move in January too. I wonder if I know how much I am in debt anymore? I think I owe Leavitz Furniture $600, Sears $600, Visa $900, and the IRS $1300. I really think that’s about it.  I pay $350 in rent, $30 in utilities, $30 for a phone, and about $130 in groceries.

7 November 1989 Tuesday

At school today, the power went out for about an hour. I don’t know why. My room has one window but Mrs. Day’s room was pitch black. Today was parent teacher’s conference and half day for the kids.  I stayed until four forty five and then missed my bus again. It sure is making me more and more want to get a car of my own. I finally got home about five forty five. I was just too tired to face going out into the cold to walk down to Unconditional Support tonight. I mainly lounged around in my night shirt, taped some music, read from my journals, and felt my fat cells multiply. What’s it all about Alfie? Jeff Wood dropped by when I was already in bed but I got up to visit with him for a little. He wants me to move in together after my lease is up here. Maybe. He’s such a mess but I really like him. 

8 November 1989 Wednesday

One week into the month already. It was chilly today and I don’t like being out in the cold so that Mr. Unger can feel like a kid and act like a big shot with his class who call him “Sir” instead of Mr. Unger. His wife Mrs. Unger is an assistant secretary here and while she is nice, they talk the LDS Church the whole time they are together. Yuck! I typed up a letter to send to the YMCA about getting my $150 deposit back. I stayed until three forty five with Parent Teacher’s Conference this afternoon. This one student said to his mother “If I stay with Mr. Williams, I’m going to get real smart.” That touched my heart. Most of the mothers tell me that their kids really like my class. That’s not what I live for but it’s a gage for me to determine whether I am being unreasonable in my expectation of these children. I can’t get through to them if they don’t like me. Anyway when I was at home, Liza Smart called me to visit, She wants to run for an office in the community council and wants some advice. I think a great ticket would be Chuck Whyte, Liza Smart, and Bobbie Smith. Anyway we are going to get together the day after Thanksgiving to go looking at pickup trucks. I am going to buy me a Toyota truck. Yes I am. After talking to Liza, I took a bus up to the U of U and sat in the sauna for about two hours. It felt wonderful. I weighed in at 198 pounds just under 200 but one binge could push me over the top. I miss Terry Johnson more than I realize or at least miss his love making.

9 November 1989 Thursday

What a strange twist in history. The Berlin Wall in effect came down today. The East German Government said that East Germans are now free to travel to the west. Marvelous. I wonder what is really going on? Governments are falling all over Eastern Europe. Is it the beginning of a major economic collapse or the beginning of something wonderful? So far President Bush has done nothing but sit on his thumbs while the world changes around over our heads. Who is master minding this? I put in an eleven and a half hour day today with parent teacher conferences all afternoon and evening. However tomorrow I will only have a couple. I’d like to leave early but I have so much to do and Stanger would probably be watching.  The weather isn’t bad for late fall and the temperature is fifty degrees. Still no snow since the 28^th of last month. I’m going to bed tonight at about nine fifteen. I’m tired and it’s time to hit the sack I’m so excited for the Germans. They are an exciting race. I am thinking of my German friend Mark Brinkerhaus and wondering what he must be thinking.

10 November 1989 Friday

I’m so glad that Parent Teachers Conference is over. I stayed until about three forty five too let old Stanger know that I am a professional and I always stay until I get the job done. Some teachers left at one twenty today when they didn’t have any more conferences. The Utah Education Association is talking about a strike this coming January. Yuck! Because I had the place to myself, I videotaped TV shows tonight since Jeff Wood never called to do anything. At eleven I walked down to the Radio City just to get out of the house, It was dead and boring with only bar flies there so I came back home. I was in bed late around midnight,

11 November 1989 Saturday

I slept in late until eight thirty before getting up to clean the apartment. About eleven thirty I took a bus down to Smiths on 8^th and 9^th to look at renting some videos to tape for my kids. I got “Mr. Magoo’s America”, “Johnny Tremain”, and “the Incredible Journey”. About four thirty I finally made it over to Bobbie Smith’s place where I picked up some movies from him to tape. I also got some movies of my own at Smith’s to watch; “Sweet Lorraine”, “The Milegro Beanfield War” and “1969”. It was kind of a lazy do nothing day. It was a nice day though. The Berlin Wall is gone and East Germans are free to go back and forth across the border. So grateful to God and his sweet spirit that moves within us towards freedom and peace.

12 November 1989 Sunday-

It was a beautiful warm day for it almost being the middle of November. It was almost seventy degrees outside. Jim Reiger has been gone all weekend. That’s been nice. I just lounged around the place most of the morning watching videos. I watched Sweet Lorraine with Maureen Stapleton in it. It was okay and kind of charming, but out of the three I rented, the Milegro Beanfield War was the best. It was filmed in New Mexico and it was beautiful. Anyway I also watched Cruising and Zorro the Gay Blade. About one thirty I walked down to Smiths to return the videos. There are no busses on Sunday so it was a long tiring walk of probably four miles. But it was beautiful out so I didn’t mind. It was nice walking weather. The tree leaves are bright yellow and scattered all over the ground, making a crispy crunchy sound as I walked on them. I went by the house where Terry Johnson used to live and I became melancholy for him and for Billy Bikowski. At home I got Frank Fatah’s phone number from Dan Fahndrich on the pretense of wanting James Conrad’s address. When I called the number, Billy’s sweet, deep rich voice was on the answering machine. I didn’t bother leaving a message but just hung up. Later while walking over to Bobbie Smith’s place to go with him to Backstreet for the Unity Show, I saw Terry Johnson’s truck parked in front of the Radio City. So I went inside and spoke to him and asked how he was and then I kissed him goodbye. I cried all the way over to Bobbie’s. I must be on my period. I’ve been so sensitive about everything so much lately. Any way Bobbie and I worked the door for the Unity Show Fundraiser. I only stayed until nine thirty and we made about $370 by then for the community council.  The show was dedicated to Satu Servigna of the Triangle Magazine but evidently she was too ill to attend. She can't take the smoke.  It was rather fun being out and about again I must admit.  I’ve been a recluse I think. There’s this 22 year old kid named Mike Miller who is after me. So I told Bobbie who works with him to go a head and encourage him to call me. Lots of community support for the Unity Show.  Chuck can feel proud.

13 November 1989 Monday

It must have been moon madness or my period, who knows, that drove me to call Billy Bikowski this evening before going to bed. He was cold, distant, and weird so we kept our feelings distant. He said he’s carving balustrades for the Salt Lake Mormon Temple. Ha! Oh the irony. The bastards would not let Billy set foot in their temple for being Gay and yet they are willing to take his art and skills. Well goodbye again Billy. How many times have I said that? I think this time it’s a wrap. There was no heart pain. I think I just called him to measure my rate of recovery. Terry was a great experience for me if it did nothing else but helped me get over Billy. “Serene, I fold my hands and wait.” Again. Work was tiring mostly because I was tired from getting to bed late last night. After coming home, I fixed some cheese enchiladas and then Bobbie Smith called me to ask if I was going to Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I hadn’t been there in what seemed a million years so I agreed to go with him. Joe Dewey, George Marshall, Curtis Jensen, and the regular gang of immature bitchy do nothings were there. Oh Well. They will grow up some day, maybe. They were supposed to have shown a movie tonight but it was after eight fifteen before they got their act together. I was tired and left at eight forty five and decided to just walk home. That’s when I called Billy.

14 November 1989 Tuesday

I am just worn out at school, The kids were so rowdy and I’m tired and it’s so fucking could out. I hate it. As I came home, Mike Pipkin was walking up the hill. He came to get his things that he left here and he’s going to be staying with Willie Marshall. He is still out of work, I went to Unconditional Support tonight and Bobbie did a lesson on the Mattel Toy Company Personality Test. It was a small group but fun. Better than Lesbian and Gay Student Union for sure. Mike Conner gave me a ride home and I’m going to bed at nine. Times they are a-changing. Chuck Whyte called and wanted me to write a blurb for the Triangle. Yuck. Goodnight Sweet Prince- me.

15 November 1989 Wednesday

It’s hard to believe tat this month is half over but it is. The kids at school are doing colonial crafts and we are pushing the Christmas play now. Next week is Thanksgiving. I typed up the Gay and Lesbian Community Council minutes and an article for the Triangle on the Unity Show. After staying late at school I took a bus home and then one over to Satu Servigna’s to drop of the minutes and the Unity Show article; so I didn’t get home until after six. I had some enchiladas for dinner and just stayed home to write out bills finally and to do all the kids’ Scholastic book orders. That was an all nighter too. But I did go to be by nine thirty. Nothing much else is happening.

16 November 1989 Thursday

I received a new student today so I have exactly thirty-five  now. And I had just run off all my Social Studies worksheets on the mimeograph so now I will have to run off more. I am just worn out especially with Brian, Chris, Nathan, Phillip and Nick, my main troubles. They monopolize the majority of my time with their disruptive behavior. Anyway at home I straightened up the front room and was surprised to hear from Terry Johnson. I really thought that was over. Visiting, I told him about a nice rug that was thrown out by the dumpster so he came over to get it. I also gave him some dishes, my old toaster and can opener for his place. He wants to do something for Thanksgiving. I think he’ll want me to come over there but I want to do something here. Well we are getting together tomorrow. He does excite me. I wanted to go to bed early but didn’t make it until after ten. Oh Well.

17 November 1989 Friday

From now until Christmas Vacation it is going to be crazy at school. Monday I have my evaluation also. I am doing it on Cinquains. I am starting a new book to read to my kids after lunch. It’s the Incredible Journey. At home I just cleaned up some and stayed home. Terry Johnson wanted to come over so we watched some TV together and I fixed him some dinner. Later we went into the bedroom and fucked. Its been a while. He didn’t spend the night afterwards. I do want Terry to be a big part of my life but I’m not willing for him to be all of it. I talked to Jeff Wood some today. He’s moved into an apartment near Liberty Park. I’ve decided for sure to have Thanksgiving here at my place.

18 November 1989 Saturday

Today is Russ Lane’s birthday and I believe he is thirty three years old. I tried calling him but he’s moved and his number is disconnected. I went grocery shopping and spent $45 on items for Thanksgiving and I still have to get the turkey. Mike Pipkin came over this evening. He said he’s got a job at Nature’s Way Café near Liberty Park. He spent the evening here and crashed here. Terry Johnson came over to watch some TV. He took me down to Albertson’s on 2^nd South where I bought a 23 pound turkey for sixty cents a pound. We also went over to his new place he’s renting for $130 a month. It doesn’t look like much on the outside but it’s not too bad inside. We made out a little but nothing serious. We came back to my place and watched some videos. I saw “Parting Glances” for the first time. I loved it.

19 November 1989 Sunday

I walked down to Metropolitan Community Church with Mike Pipkin for church today. It was good to be with Gay people again and to get out. The spirit was strong at church. After the service Bruce Harmon took me aside and said that he’s running for Emperor next year for the Royal Court and said he wants the court to get out of the AIDS business and put more money back into the community especially the Stonewall Center. I don't know what he wants from me but I am sure it will be something. Rod Shepherd and Neil Hoyt came over about five thirty to discuss Beyond Stonewall for next year. We talked about an hour about what they would be getting in to and what I expect out of it. We will meet next Sunday at four to plan some more. At seven I went to KRCL with Jim Rieger and we put together two shows one about Mike Bryant’s book "There's A Damn Good Life after testing Positive" and one with Becky Moss. I guess I will be going over to Becky’s for Thanksgiving from eleven to three before doing a buffet at my place. Jim Rieger is moving back to California permanently in December so in less than a month I’ll be free at last. Ugh then the bills! Oh Vey! I met a nice guy at Radio City named Wayne Elliott tonight. I’m going to call him Tuesday to talk about getting together.

20 November 1989 Monday

I had my evaluation with today and Mr. Stanger was making me mad because he was so nitpicky. I have no idea why he hired me since there’s little I do that pleases him. Oh well he’ll get his in the end of the school year when we get to evaluate him. Last night Jim Rieger woke me up from playing his stupid Christmas music so loud. Finally about eleven thirty I got up and asked him to turn it down. Inconsiderate ass. So I didn’t get much rest for today. Anyway at home I spent the evening making three pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving. I called Terry Johnson before going to bed . He said something is wrong with his truck and it won’t start. Oh Well. It’s always something with him. I can’t help him out this time. Why is Terry’s karma so bad? What could he do to change it? Anything?

21 November 1989 Tuesday

We had our Pilgrim Fair today. The kids really looked cute. It was foggy today. I guess we are having an inversion. At home I made three more pies, coconut cream, pumpkin cream, and Rocky Road. I straightened up the place getting ready for the big day. Wayne Elliott called me and said he might drop by on Thursday for Thanksgiving and that he would call me on Saturday to do something. We visited a little and he sounded like a real nice guy. John Reeves called me from Boston just to visit. He said it was twenty degrees back there and winter has really set in. Chris Brown is coming up from New Mexico for Thanksgiving. He had moved there to be with a boyfriend. Terry Johnson called me after that to say that it will cost $1400 to get his truck fix it so I’m sure he’s going to let it go back to the creep who sold it to him. He’s also making suicidal noises. I don’t want to even deal with that. Russ Lane called me even later and said he’s moving December 1^st to Mexico City to teach English. Well I guess I can truly shut the door on that era of my life. Russ Lane what a strange and wonderful adventure you were. 

22 November 1989 Wednesday

I had the kids do their bean mosaics today and I think they turned out really nice. Mr. Stanger redeemed himself today by coming into my classroom and telling the kids what a good teacher they had in me and the kids responded back saying how much they were learning from me. That really touched my heart. I spent the evening home straightening up the place and getting things ready for tomorrow, I peeled yams, potatoes, and some apples. Jim Rieger won’t even clean up his bedroom which guests will have to pass through to get to the bathroom. Pisses me off.

23 November 1989 Thursday Thanksgiving

Most of the day I just took it easy and was kind of tired. I was up at six to put the turkey in to cook. Jim Rieger’s friend Brian from Long Beach, California came in before that this morning. While they were still sleeping I called Mom. She said Charline and her family were up along with my Aunt Minnie Lee Williams. She also said that my Aunt and Uncle Pauline and J W Johnson were coming out for Christmas this year. They hadn’t been out for nearly fifteen years or more. I also called my ex-wife Fran Williams. She’s having dinner with her boyfriend Vince. In the late afternoon, Mike Pipkin dropped over. He’d already started drinking and he said he’s been out all night tramping around. Well dinner really began about six. Rick Eden came over first, then Jim Rieger’s friend Alan, and the others came after them; Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Smith, Troy Lunt, Steve Oldroyd. David Peterson and his friend, Don Penrose and Doug Fenstermacher, Steve Barker and Spencer Barker, Jim Rieger and his friend Brian, Garth Chamberlain and his friend Janet, Becky Moss and Catherine Clark, Willie Marshall and his friend Lynn, Wayne Elliott, Jeff Wood, Jim Hunsaker, and Chris, Butch, and Russ all kids from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union who I didn’t know their last names. I think that was about it so I had an apartment full of over probably twenty five guests.  We had lots of food, all traditional dishes and we watched Boys In the Band  and Torch Song Trilogy. People wandered in and around, visiting as well as watching TV. People were having fun I think. No real heavy drinking or drugs, just being mellow and having fun. People stayed until about two in the morning when the last person left and I stayed up until two thirty putting food away and clearing up some of the mess. No trauma or drama this Thanksgiving. Terry Johnson came over about four thirty and only stayed an hour before others started arriving. He said he was feeling sick and wanted to go home but I think he just can’t handle crowds. He also said he could get his truck fixed for $167 which is why I think was the real reason he came over. I didn’t offer him the money this time, and it probably was why he left early. I think he was disappointed. If I would have seen even ten dollars of some of the money he owed me already maybe I would have lent him the money.

24 November 1989 Friday

It rained all day and I really didn’t do anything today except the dishes and clean the place from yesterday’s party. I watched some Gay movies but that’s about it. Liza Smart and I didn’t go car shopping because she was sick. Some bug is going a round. Yuck! Wayne Elliott called me and asked if he could spend a couple of days with me. I said sure. He’s breaking up with his lover and has no place to go. Steve Oldroyd dropped by this afternoon to chat and say what a good time he had the party yesterday.

25 November 1989 Saturday

Everyone is sick around me so I’ve been taking it fairly easy because I don’t want to miss any school between now and Christmas. Wayne Elliott came over about eleven and we mostly discussed his lover Earl who’s been treating him so rotten. You can give good advice but it’s like talking to a brick way when a person is in love. So mostly I just commiserated and asked “What do you want?” and “How do you think he will respond” Questions like that. Ultimately when one gets tired of the pain and drama, recovery takes place. Different stages for different people. Afterwards we went to the Salt Lake Roasting Company on Fourth South for coffee and then we walked around Trolley Square, window shopping. That is kind of fun. I was home by three when this guy named Val Holley called and said he was a friend of John Reeves. He was from Washington DC but was in town and John had told him to look me up. He’s an author and really good looking but he has a lover so we just visited about the dynamics of being a Gay man living in Utah. He couldn’t stay for dinner so he left when Liza Smart came by to take me to Luci Malin’s house for dinner. It was a small intimate affair, a post Thanksgiving turkey dinner. She had invited Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Erichssen, Liza Smart and myself. Luci has a very homey, hobbit like cave where everything is warm, snugly, comfortable and has a lived in feel. She has three cats and one dog that looked like a Samoan husky mix. A very cute thing. Luci is my age, born June 29^th 1951. I really enjoy being with people who are my own age and on the same time line. Anyway we did the Mattel Toy Company Test. Luci was yellow: warm, bright. Liza was pink; hot and vibrant and bright. It was fun. Rocky was a Mountain Lion. Hmmm. Robert was an Ostrich. Liza was a dog: loyal, loving. After we did the dishes and had eaten a scrumptious dinner, especially the deep dish apple pie, we adjourned to the front room and listened to Ferron’s Shadow On A dime album. Nice mellow music. We discussed separatistism some and had a nice  challenging intellectually stimulating evening . We made a date for December 13^th to do it all again at Liza’ place. She made each of us a lace Christmas wreath and mine was the glitchiest; to match my personality I suppose. I loved it. I really made Liz, Rocky, and Robert laugh when in all sincerity I said “ It’s no coincident that God is dog spelled backwards. If you want unconditional love get a dog.”

 26 November 1989 Sunday

Today was Russ Lane’s farewell party at Affirmation. I got a ride up with Neil Hoyt along with Chuck Whyte and Garth Chamberlain after attending a Stonewall Center meeting. Neil Hoyt showed up at my place for a Beyond Stonewall meeting but Rod Shepherd didn’t although he called later to apologize. It made me really doubt his sincerity about running the retreat. At Affirmation Duane Dawson was elected Chapter Director and there was a large turn out of about thirty people. It was kind of an Affirmation reunion. I tried to keep from crying thinking about how much Russ and I went through together. His leaving sure shuts a chapter in my life. When Affirmation was over I just held Russ and he held me and we cried together. He said he loved me and I told him that I loved him too and that I still love his heart. A lot of people were surprised to see us together as the perception is that we are enemies.

27 December 1989 Monday

It snowed yesterday and it snowed more today. It was unpleasant walking through the snow and slush to catch my bus. There’s nothing different at work. In the evening just finished watching the end of “Maurice” and preparing for tomorrow’s Unconditional Support meeting. I am reading a fascinating book called The Moon Beneath Her Feet which is about Mary Magdalene and Mary and Jesus being a part of the Iris and Osiris legend. Mary is the Mother Goddess Iris who gave birth to her lover brother Osiris or Christ father and son. Fascinating.

28 December 1989 Tuesday

It was a cold chilly day. I had the kids do a science project of dissecting different fruit and then counting the seeds.  That was fun. There’s a lot of sickness going around. Thank ye Goddess for my health. I finished reading The Moon Beneath Her Feet. It was too heterosexual by far but still fascinating. Czechoslovakia is trying to overthrown their Communist government. It’s like “Future Shock” to hear all the exciting changes in Eastern Europe. Walking down to the Crossroad’s Urban Center for Unconditional Support, it was so chilly; about twenty-eight degrees.  I taught a lesson on the Colors of Love. We had about twelve people attending but it was fun I think. This fellow, Jerry, asked if I was back in charge. I said, “no” and he said, “I wish you were.”

29 December 1989 Wednesday

After school, I came home to rest until the Historical Society’s Meeting at seven thirty. Rocky O’Donovan did a discussion on Natacha Rambova who was Rudolph Valentino’s wife and a great granddaughter of Heber C Kimball.  Everywhere people are getting a bug of some type. Knock on wood, I’ve been relatively healthy. Liza Smart was able to make it to the meeting even though she’s been sick. Rocky and Robert Erichssen are moving to Center Street in the Marmalade District of Capitol Hill. Rocky’s got a decent job up at the University of Utah in admissions.  That is great. I saw Curtis Jensen tonight. I haven’t really visited with him in a long time. He invited me to a party next month.

30 December 1989 Thursday

It was kind of a bizarre day. Jeff Wood came over about six thirty and on the spur of the moment we decided to go to the show. On the way driving over to the Valley Fair Mall he took his dick out and I stroked him until he became hard. On the freeway I gave him a blow job trying not to get my head stuck under the wheel while giving him head. It was funny. I’m not in love with Jeff Wood anymore but care deeply for the mixed up thing. I have really bonded with him since last July when he let me lay my head in his lap when I was so sick and he sweetly held me. It was just silly playing around nothing serious. We saw Field of Dreams. Stroke it and he will cum… the movie was wonderful.